More Tips for Surviving School Pictures

Once, a long time ago, two exceptionally evil people had a conversation that went something like this:

Evil Person #1: Man, look at these high school students.
Evil Person #2: I know, right? They’re all disheveled from getting up so early…
Evil Person #1: And sporting monster zits from all the stress of AP exams and homework…
Evil Person #2: And sweaty from gym class…
Evil Person #1: And lumpy from awkward pubertal changes…
Evil Person #2: Yep, they sure are a mess.
Evil Person #1: Hey, you know what we should do? Hire a sadistic and not-very-talented person to take pictures of them!
Evil Person #2: AWESOME! YEAH!

And so, the school yearbook photo was born.

Taking a good school picture is a challenge even if you’re not disheveled, lumpy, or covered in oozing facial sores; the photographers employed to take these pictures are sadistic psychopaths, and they have a knack for making even your hottest classmate look like they were beaten with an ugly stick. But if you're thinking of hiding under a desk for the duration of picture day, don't! Because if you read and follow the rules below, we can guarantee at least a forty percent decrease on chances of your little brother opening your yearbook, looking at your picture, and saying, “You look like you have a goiter.”

(Not that that ever happened to me, or anything.)

1. Get enough sleep. Dark circles and haggard eyes don’t look good on anyone. For maximum fresh-faced-ness, we recommend sleeping for a full three days before pictures are taken, preferably inside a sensory deprivation chamber in the middle of the woods.

2. Don’t wear white. Murphy’s Law dictates that you will spill something on yourself ten minutes before picture time. And if you don’t spill something on yourself, Murphy will hire a burly gentleman to attack you with a chicken parm sandwich and/or a vat of Crisco. You’ve been warned.

3. Don’t wear something the same color as the picture background, either. You’ll look like a floating head, and nobody likes a floating head. Except Larry. But he’s a weirdo.

4. Fix your hair, makeup, eyeglasses, etc, in the bathroom mirror before getting in line for pictures. If the bathroom is far from the picture-taking location, encase your head in a windproof plastic bubble while in transit. If a fellow classmate makes fun of your bubble, kick him.

5. Do not let the photographer touch you. At some point during your picture, the photographer will try to reposition your body, change the angle of your face, or fix your hair. He is doing this to make you look as hideous as possible. To ensure that the photographer does not touch you, scream “GET AWAY FROM ME” every time he comes within ten feet of you. If the camera is less than ten feet from you, scream continuously until the police arrive or you pass out.

6. If you want to smile for your picture, think about something you like a little bit but that also makes you angry. Like applesauce, or the cast of The Hills. This will keep your happiness in check and prevent your smile from turning into a manic, all-teeth affair that makes you look like Charles Manson.

7. If you don’t want to smile for your picture, think about bears. This will make you look scared and slightly confused. Which is pretty much the best you can hope for from a school picture, anyway.

Got a great tip for frightened picture takers,or a yearbook photo story to share? Get thee to the comments!

Related posts: Picture Day FAQ, How to Take a Killer Senior Portrait