Chris Listens: Tall Guys, Teacher Crushes, and Flirting in Church

Last week, after revealing a few (some might say scant) details about myself and how I obtained this listenership, I was accused of being “vague,” “a tad vague,” and also “a bit vague.” Well, you already know my real name and what I look like when posed against various geographic backdrops—New York, Vermont, North Carolina. But charred_rose11 does get it (mostly) right: SparkNotes wanted someone to write an advice column, and I wanted to give advice. Is there more I could divulge? Sure. Would it be interesting? Perhaps, except for the complete lack of sordid details. Let’s just leave it at this: While I might be vague about myself, I am very specific about you and the answers to your questions. And what excellent questions we have this week. Let’s get to them!

Is there any way you can convince me that some guys really like you not for the way you look? And while I'm asking, just how important is it for a guy to be taller than you?

Yes, some guys like you for reasons besides (or in addition to) looks. Those guys are called "friends." I mean, is there any way I can convince you that some girls like shoes not for how they are designed, but merely for how comfortable or durable they are? OK, it’s a bad analogy, but for the most part, I think physical attraction is a very strong part of why boys like girls (at least at first), and vice versa. Physical attraction is an innate human reaction and I think it’s silly to try to deny it. Hopefully some guys will like you for other things too—like your brain, your sense of humor, and your ability to destroy at Halo, but it’s often looks that get things started. Regarding your second query, I don’t think it’s at all important that a guy is taller than you unless it's your mission to date someone who can dunk a basketball. As long as you’re both comfortable with your respective heights and attracted to each other at those heights and not concerned about what other people think about you, I don't think height is a big factor in a relationship.

So, you know that Police song? The one about the teacher being in love with the student? Well, I have the opposite problem. I am desperately in love with my teacher who has been married for one year, just had a baby, and is turning 40 in December. We became pretty close last year and I totally fell for him. Most of my friends just think it's a joke, but it isn't. I am in love with this man (I'm a girl), and I don't know what to do. I've been trying to avoid him this year, seeing as he isn't my teacher anymore and ignorance seems to be the only thing that has worked so far, but my plan has been flushed down the toilet. He sent me an email last night asking me where I was and how things were going. It threw me for a loop and the pain I thought I was doing a good job of burying kind of bubbled back up to the surface of its shallow grave. No one has been able to give me any good advice seeing as no one I know has ever had this problem. I'm hoping that you, Chris with the magical listening ears, will be able to give me some advice on getting over this unrequited love (and I already read the SparkNotes article on it), or at least send some words of encouragement my way. Thanks.

NO NO NO NO. Here, let me rephrase that: Do whatever you can to ignore your feelings for this teacher. Even if for some reason your teacher has the same feelings for you, nothing good can come from a teacher-student relationship. In this instance, his (new!) marriage could crumble, his baby could grow up without a daddy, and he could go to jail. And somehow I doubt your relationship—if the situation even turned into one—would survive that. It doesn't matter whether he returns your feelings or not; continuing your friendship with him is not the right choice for you. You are certainly allowed to have the feelings you have, but I encourage you to try to rebury them as quickly as possible. It sounds like you were on the right track with your avoidance technique, and I want you to get back to that ASAP. If your teacher’s email is merely friendly, I would write back a short note so as not to be rude, but that’s it. Do not make any attempt to continue communications, as that will just make it worse for you. The best way to get over this unrequited love is to distract yourself from it and throw your passions into other pursuits, like school, sports, books, music, shopping, other boys, even. You're on the right track, so stay strong and don't let your infatuation get the best of you!

My boyfriend is having a little trouble lately. His cousin and life-long inspiration died a few years ago. He taught my boyfriend his passions: surfing and playing guitar. My boyfriend still isn’t over it. People call him “emo” but he told me why (his cousin’s and various other family members' deaths) and I don’t blame him one bit for his sadness. But it’s gotten worse this last week or so. His uncle died last week, and later that same week, he learned that his best friend was dying and that one of his closest cousins was in a car accident and in the hospital. His best friend died yesterday. When he learned what happened to his best friend during school and I tried to comfort him, he literally stormed off and didn’t talk to me. I understand what he was going through and I let it go. All of my friends tell me that he isn’t worth it. But I think otherwise. I want to be there for him and I love him, but I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together a long time and I really do love him. I know it sounds exactly like a high school romance, but still. I really do care about him. I want him to feel better, I stick with him, and wait for him to feel better and comfort him, but everyone keeps telling me he’s not worth my time. But to me, I think otherwise, which is why I’ve been so long with him. Can you help me Chris?

I’m very sorry to hear that you boyfriend is going through such a tough time, but I'm glad he has you to support him. You are being very mature about all of this, and I commend you for that. Everybody is entitled to get a little emo every now and then, and your boyfriend has more than enough reasons. I’m glad you are sticking by him, as what he needs right now is your understanding. He probably feels like everyone is abandoning him, and you need to let him know that he can trust you and that you’ll be there for him. He may send you some mixed signals during this highly emotional period (like when he stormed off), but you shouldn’t take it too personally. And in this instance, I wouldn’t listen to your friends. If you feel like you should be there for your boyfriend, then be there for him. Only you can determine whether he’s “worth your time,” and from what you’ve told me, it sounds like he is. I wish I had some suggestions for overcoming the pain of losing a loved one, but there’s really not much your boyfriend can do besides grieve and be patient. He may need some alone time, or he may want to talk about things you’ve never talked about before. Your role is to support him as he goes through this process. Take care!

I'm a really big fan of this overseas musician, and it turns out that he's having a tour and he's coming somewhere around a 4-hour drive away from where I live. He's never had a concert so close to here, and this might be a once-in-a-lifetime chance for me to see him. My friend, who's really supportive of my musical fanaticism, said that maybe she and her family can drive me there (I'm not 100% that she's able to, though) and I can pay for my own tickets by myself. However, my own parents are a bit of a problem. I'm only 14, and I don’t know whether they'd let me go with my friend's family, especially since it might be overnight (either that or we come home at midnight). Another reason why I want to go so badly is that I want to be a musician when I grow up, but they don't have any idea about that. This musician is a big influence on me, and being able to see his concert would be a dream come true to me. However, since my parents don't know about me wanting to be a musician, they really want me to focus on my studies. I don't know what to do, since I don't really want to tell my parents that I want to be a musician (since they've been so supportive to me, getting me into a good school and everything) and yet at the same time, I don't know how else I am going to get them to let me go to this concert. What should I do to get them to let me go?

Tell your parents! If this musician means so much to you, I think you need to do whatever it takes to see him. I have been playing music since I was 10, and although it was never explicit that I wanted to be a musician, my parents knew that I liked music quite a lot, and therefore let me take guitar lessons and go to concerts and stay out a little later than I should have. Plus, your parents have nothing major to worry about—just because you’re a musician doesn’t mean you can’t do something else at the same time. While your dream might be to play music for a living, you can tell them you’re going to be a guitar-strumming lawyer or harmonica-slinging doctor. It’s very possible to focus on your studies and learn how to be an amazing musician at the same time. You don’t have to choose one over the other—in fact, music and studying often complement each other. Good luck!

When my parents lived together, we were in a rather nice apartment near a very nice and lakeside part of Chicago. Unfortunately when they divorced my mom found a new, slightly worse apartment closer to the suburbs and the airport. My dad stayed in the old apartment, so when I visit him on weekends, that's where I am, and I love it there. The problem is that my brother goes to a high school that he has to take two trains and a bus to get to and he wakes up with only 5-6 hours of sleep a night. My dad's home is directly in that neighborhood and my brother would only have to take one bus to get to his school if we lived there. But my mom has custody and isn't willing to change that. All of the best schools in Chicago—the ones that you have to take a test for and have the best scores and all of the programs I want—are near my dad's house. But my brother and my mom are content on moving to some crappy little suburb called Glen Ellyn or Wheaton. I'm a city girl! I love the shopping, I love the lake, I love the people, I especially like these schools because they are near Boystown and have Gay-Straight Alliances (I'm not telling my parents only because they're Muslim and would do flips and go ra-ra. Also, they are kind of extremely homophobic, including my brother). My mom keeps trying to convince me it will be nicer, and it would be cool having a 4 or 5 bedroom home with a yard. But if I stay with my dad I can go to the school I want and I'll have my own room, too! I'm a metal-punk-rock kinda girl and that tiny town has no venues or shops or places where I can express my love with fellow mooks. What's a girl to do?

Well, if we just consider your affection for the city and the educational opportunities and the proximity to Boystown and the Gay-Straight Alliances, it sounds like your decision is pretty easy—live with your dad for sure. However, there’s the larger issue of custody and you living with one of your parents as opposed to another. Do you have any say in the matter, or do you have to go with your mom because she has custody? If the choice is yours and everything is cool with you and your dad, I’d probably pursue that option. However, your mom might be pretty upset, so that’s something you’ll have to deal with. If your mom has the final say, you might consider bringing up some of the advantages of city life and see how she takes it. I don’t think you need to come out to her and risk her doing flips and going ra-ra, but at least make your case. It sounds like it’s really important for you to be in the city for a variety of reasons, so why not give it a shot? And if she doesn’t want you to live with your dad, you might talk to her about moving to somewhere else in the city, or at least closer to your ideal locale. You’re not in an easy position, and I wish there was a clear answer, but your best move is to talk about it with your family and see how they react. Then write me back and we’ll take it from there!

I am a junior in high school and am having some issues, which would be why I'm writing to you. I recently went through a bad breakup (he broke up with me, but we were both to blame) and am having some issues getting over it/moving on. I feel like I could do way better than this ex, but for some reason, every time I see him, all my feelings come back and I'm in love with him again (sometimes, though, I hate him all over again, it's like a roller coaster of emotions)! And I know everyone says you can't fall in love that young, but we were really in love. We talked about getting married, and then some things happened and it just didn't work out. Anyway, my best friend, let's call her Jen, thinks that I need another boyfriend, but I don't want to enter into a relationship feeling this way about someone else. I guess I'm just asking what I should do... Or if you have any tips for getting over a really bad breakup?

I think your instinct about not getting back into a relationship right away is spot-on. You definitely need some no-boyfriend me-time to help you deal with your feelings about your ex. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you probably aren’t meant to be together; however, that doesn’t mean you didn’t love him. And maybe you still do love him—but in a different way. Therefore, the rollercoaster of emotions is totally natural, and there’s not much you can do except ride it. It will get easier, I promise. It’s going to hurt sometimes, and the best you can do is minimize the pain by trying to focus on other things. Study harder. Hang out with your friends more. Get better at whatever you love doing. You’ll know when you’re ready to move on to a new relationship. It takes time, but it will happen. Take care of yourself!

So I go to church every Sunday like any Catholic. And as every guy who attends church knows, one of the best activities to help you stay awake is to find/check out cute chicks during mass and hope for a glance (or two) back at you. Now as "un-Christian" this may seem, it's hard not to do, and everyone does. So for the past two Sundays I've seen this really cute girl whose name I don't even know. And we constantly shoot glances back and forth, and believe it or not, she was the one who started. I know she’s around my age because she has first year confirmation books with her. So on to my real question: How would you recommend getting that first word in, yet coming off as a nice guy in this scenario? Thank you.

You mean you’re not sitting in the pew with your nose in your hymnal, absolutely rapt by the sermon? Interesting. I think going up to receive Communion is your big opportunity. Try to arrange it so that you’re in front of her in line. Grab your wafer and then walk incredibly slowly back to your seat so she has time to catch up. Then, at the decisive moment, turn to her and say, “Delicious, isn’t it?” That ought to break the ol’ ice. In all seriousness, a mere “Hi” before/during/after mass would probably suffice. Perhaps after mass is best, if you’ve already established mutual interest by exchanging a few knowing glances. Follow up the greeting with a question ("Does your family live around here?" "What school do you go to?" "Did you notice Father Walter holding back a sneeze during the homily?"). Whatever you do, take it slow and don't feel like you need to make religion the main topic of conversation. She's probably into other stuff, too, unless she's going to be a nun. In which case, you're out of luck!

Been exchanging furtive glances across a crowded house of worship? Send the glorious details to chris@sparknotes.com.

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