I am a freshman who just started highschool and things are pretty weird. I am an in-the-closet-bisexual and not only do I find my friend hot and like her, but there is this guy who is a senior and has a girlfriend- but I don't even know his name! My friend is also bisexual but she is taken and doesn't like to date anyone younger than her. I have never had a boyfreind or a girlfriend or a kiss and I am freaking out about what to do! I think that I am just barely getting my hormones back because for about a year, I have not been intrested in anybody and worse yet, nobody has EVER been intrested in me. Can you help? Any advice will do, about becoming more appealing, becoming brave enough to come out, about admitting my crushes, anything. But, please, can you help?
First things first: There's no need to freak out. Just take a deep breath, order a pizza, and watch some cat videos until your heart rate returns to its normal resting state.
Okay?
Okay.
Now, keep chilling while we talk about your problem. You’re feeling disconnected and isolated right now, but it’s important to realize that you’re totally not alone. “I am a freshman who just started highschool and things are pretty weird” is a sentiment that pretty much the whole world can identify with. Let’s face it, the transitions we all face between ages 13 through 16 aren’t exactly easy to deal with. Raging hormones, new schools, relationship dilemmas, hair in weird places…well, you get the idea. It’s no picnic.
Fortunately, the solution is pretty simple: You need to get comfortable with who you are by owning your personality, your tastes, your style, and (yep) your sexuality. The other stuff—admitting your crushes, being appealing—will come naturally. Be appealing to yourself, and you’ll be appealing to others, because confidence is sexy. (And if you doubt me, just consider the following statement: Jack Black is hot.)
Part of this is as simple as wearing the clothes you like, joining clubs or doing activities that make you happy, expressing yourself without worrying what people will think, and seeking out friends (and significant others) who like the things that make you YOU. I’d also recommend joining up with your school’s Gay-Straight Alliance, if you have one, so you can meet other kids who are facing (or have already faced) the same challenges as you. (Click here for a great article about gay and bisexual kids coming out in middle school—hey, if they did it, you can too.) For you, coming out will be an essential part of getting comfortable with yourself. You don’t necessarily have to tell the whole school—you could start by talking to your family, or just a few friends— but there’s nothing more uncomfy than being completely stuck in the closet. For more information on this, the Human Rights Campaign is a good place to start.
Getting confident and comfortable with who you are takes time, so don’t freak out (again) if it doesn’t come naturally right away. You’ve got lots of time. And once you make that first effort to stop worrying about other people and start liking yourself, it’ll only get easier. Let us know how it works out!
P.S. I’m assuming that coming out will not cause problems for you at school or at home. You haven’t mentioned your parents, but the fact that you’ve already got a friend who’s out suggests that your school is a pretty safe place. If it isn’t, or if your family won’t be supportive, you may want to wait—but please find at least one person who you can confide in. You might not be able to date your friend, but you can certainly talk to her about what you’re going through.
Question for Auntie SparkNotes? Send it to advice@sparknotes.com. Feedback for our letter-writer? Share it in the comments! (And be supportive, please—we'll delete intolerant comments faster than you can say "It's 2009, people. Don't hate—appreciate!")
By: kat_rosenfield
Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, relationships, friendships, cartoons, ninth grade, freshman year, coming out, bisexuality
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