Health Class Survival Guide

We hope our Gym Class Survival Guide made P.E. a bit more bearable. Now, per peaceonearth34's great suggestion, we turn our attention to the only other class known for making students feel nauseous and sweaty: Health Class.

Depending on your school, Health will cover topics such as nutrition, CPR, drugs and alcohol, and the dangers of smoking. While those subjects are important, we're not going to waste time giving you advice on how to handle a worksheet about the food groups. Instead, we're going to help you get through the most embarrassing and uncomfortable topic taught in Health Class: Sex. Below are a few tips and tricks that will help you endure this class without passing out or snickering. (And no, you don't need a note from your parent/guardian to read our tips.)

Pretend the teacher is talking about an alien. Part of the reason sex education makes us feel so weird is that we're talking about our own bodies and the unusual things our bodies are capable of doing. Remove the human factor, and health class can be a fun sci-fi adventure.

Practice saying the words. At some point in class, the teacher will either ask you a question or make you read out loud from the textbook. When this happens, you'll be required to say words that would normally be followed by laughter from your friends or gasps of horror from your prudish aunts. Spend a few minutes before class reading the words to yourself, because the more familiar you are with the terms, the less likely you'll be to stutter, stammer, or blush. (For best results, practice reciting the words and phrases in front of your pets or church congregation.)

Pay attention. It's easy to avoid the class by staring off into space and thinking about birthday cake. But you should pay attention, even if you find the topic gross. If you don't learn this information now, you'll be laughed at later when you still think babies exit the body through the belly button. (Trust us.)

Ask. Between the internet and your friends, you may have been given false information. If you have any questions about sex, even if they seem silly, ask your teacher. She will not judge you. She will not laugh at you. And since she's had thousands of teens asking the most personal and uncomfortable questions over the years, she's ready for anything you can throw at her. (But we recommend asking the teacher either before class or after class. Never during.)

Study. If you fail sex-ed, you will be a walking punch line for the remainder of your high school life…or longer.

Keep a straight face. Let's be honest, sex is funny. But if you giggle during class, the teacher will think you're not taking the material seriously, and you will be asked to read the next chapter out loud. And the next chapter is always about the body parts that you don't have. Always. To avoid bursting into laughter, we recommend biting the inside of your cheek, wiggling your ears, or making your giggle sound like a sneeze. If that doesn't work, think about spiders. There's nothing funny about spiders.

Don't call it your "swimsuit area." For the sake of accuracy, and to show your level of maturity, stick with the proper medical names for your "business" and "under parts."

Force the teacher to ramble. A great way to waste time in class is to get the teacher off topic. For instance, ask, "How has birth control changed society?" or "Why don't girls like me?" The teacher will feel obligated to answer your questions, and this will eat away most of the class period.

Remember: It could always be worse. You should be thankful that a paid educator whom you will never see again for the rest of your life is teaching the ins and outs of reproduction, because if there's one thing you can live without, it's hearing your grandfather explain fallopian tubes and condoms. (SHUDDER)

How's sex ed going for ya? Any horror stories?