Blogging New Moon: Part 25
This is Dan's final post on New Moon. It went by so fast, didn't it? Before he gathers his courage and dives into the next book, he's going to do a live chat on Facebook! Details will be announced soon; start making a list of all the questions you've ever wanted to ask him.
p.s. Happy birthday, Eliza!
Better Title: Let's Get Ready to (not) Rumble!
Yeah, Bella! That's what you get for treating Jacob like an old shoe! That's what you get for lying to your dad! Go home and cry about it to your chilly, boring boyfriend! And enjoy eating spaghetti indoors, you humorless grump! Jacob "The Thunder" Black doesn't need you anymore! Boo-ya!
That is what was going through my mind during the epilogue. (Though part of the time I worried that I was coming down with a cold. Don't you hate that? You think you might be sick, but you're not ready to label yourself as officially "sick.")
I'm sure some read this pseudo-chapter and came away from it thinking that Jacob is a jerk. I came away from it hoping that the next book is nothing but Jacob riding his motorcycle across the country, killing any vampires that get in his way, as he tries to find himself on the open road.
The epilogue picks up a few days or weeks after the last chapter, with things returning to normal for Bella. The only problem is her grades have been suffering, probably because, as near as I can tell, she hasn't been to class since before Spring Break.
Charlie is still mad, and while Edward is allowed to visit Bella, Charlie doesn't speak to him. I don't see this as much of a problem, because something tells me these two never had long, thoughtful conversations.
Edward and Alice (and Jasper?) are back in school with Bella, though it's never explained how they managed to dupe the school district into letting them return. I bet it involved Alice stealing a car. That seems to solve most of the Cullens' problems.
Yet one thing has changed for Bella: Jacob is giving her the cold shoulder. She wants to talk to him, but she's grounded, so driving to La Push to see him is out of the question. And he won't accept her phone calls. The good news is that she doesn't care about Jacob as long as she has Eddie-kins with her. The bad news is that I'm definitely getting a cold.
She tells us, "With Edward near me, it was hard to think about unhappy things—even my former best friend who was probably very unhappy right now, due to me." So Bells doesn't care about Jacob (or the poor Volturi victims, or Victoria). She even refers to Jacob as a "leftover, unresolved character."
Still, part of her wants to talk to him. She keeps trying to call him, but he doesn't answer. And why would he? She left him high and dry to jaunt off to Italy to save the life of someone who was a jerk to her. It would be like Princess Lei leaving Han Solo so she could go off and save Jabba the Hutt, and then expecting Han Solo to make lasagna with her when she returned.
Bella is getting annoyed with Jacob. She tells Edward that Jake is acting rude. She goes on and on about it, and assumes that even Billy hates her now. Edward says, "It's not you, Bella. Nobody hates you." And with that, my hand shoots up in the air, as I eagerly yelp, "Ooh! I do! Over here!"
Eddie says that Jacob is keeping his distance because the Cullens are back. If Jacob came around, it would only end in violence. Edward seems pretty sure of himself, saying that he would kill Jacob in a fight. I agree, because we all know the Edward is a mighty warrior…wait. No we don't. The closest thing Edward has done to fighting in this entire series is stopping a van and playing a lullaby. My money's on Jacob.
Bella says she needs to get home before Charlie freaks out about how late it is, but Edward senses more trouble than Bella realizes. No, it's not Victoria. (That would have made too much sense.) Edward senses that Charlie is mad as hell because Jacob finally stopped by the Swan house, bringing with him Bella's motorcycle.
For those who don't remember, Bella hid her motorcycle from Charlie because he made it perfectly clear that motorcycles are death machines, and Bella was not allowed to ride one. So she stashed it at Jacob's house. But now Jake has returned, and is revealing everything to Charlie.
Bella is mad and frustrated. She doesn't understand why Jacob would do something so mean. She jumps out of the car screaming, "Traitor!"
For the record, while Bella was off in Italy, the "traitorous" Jacob was back in Forks, making sure that Victoria didn't rip out her father's throat. He has also done everything that Bella asked him to do, from teaching her how to ride a motorcycle, to helping her find the love meadow, to not eating Alice's face. I think "traitor" is too strong a word. Perhaps "Super awesome dude" would be more apropos.
Edward says that Jacob isn't here to see Bella. He's here as a spokesperson for the werewolves. And this meeting has more to do with Edward than Bella.
They find Jacob leaning against a tree nearby. Instead of exchanging a proper greeting, they get right into it. Bella demands to know why Jacob brought the motorcycle to her house. He brought the bike in an attempt to get her in trouble, hoping that if she was grounded, she wouldn't be able to touch faces with Edward.
Is Jacob being petty? No doubt about it. But part of me thinks Bella had it coming. You can't ditch your best friend, leaving him with a heap of responsibility, just so you can go act like an irrational brat. Besides, why would Jacob want to hang on to Bella's motorcycle? It's taking up space, and is a constant reminder that she doesn't love him. I'm not saying I would do the same thing (I'd probably just write her a passive-aggressive email with the subject line "I'm really, really happy for you. Really."), but I can see where Jake is coming from.
Then it's Jacob's turn to glower. I'm not kidding. Stephenie Meyer uses the word "glower" again. And this is preceded by a "murmur."
That does it. Similar to that game where you guess the number of jelly beans in a jar, I'm going to hold an informal contest.
For the next book, Eclipse, predict how many times the word "glower" and "murmur" will be used (this includes all variations of the words: glowered, murmured, glowering, etc.). "Muttering" and "mutter" do no count. If you've already read the book, guess how many times you saw those words. NO COUNTING.
Write your answers in the comments section below. For instance, Glower: 12, Murmur: 11,409. I'll keep a running tally as I blog Eclipse. The person who guesses closest to the actual tally for BOTH words, without going over, will win a worthless prize (probably a one-of-a-kind Dan Bergstein original drawing, or I'll write you your very own vampire/werewolf rap).
Should two or more people guess the same numbers (cheaters!), those names will be placed in a hat and drawn at random. You may only guess once. Because I'm not reading ahead, we won't know the answer for a month or two. After the first Blogging Eclipse article is posted, no more guesses will be accepted. Deal? Deal. Now back to the story…
The furious Bella explains that she was already grounded for going to Italy, so Jacob didn't need to be a tattletale. Before things go any further, Edward offers his gratitude to Jacob.
He's thankful that the werewolves were able to protect Bella from Laurent and Victoria. He even says "I will owe you for the rest of my existence." Bella, take note. This is how you show gratitude. (I honestly don’t remember if she ever thanked the werewolves for saving her life and protecting her dad, but if she did, I doubt it was this heartfelt.)
Every now and then Edward will do something like this that makes me say, "Gee. That was mighty decent of him." But then I remember how he left Bella for no reason, didn't want to fight James for some reason, and acts like a sad emo kid despite having super powers and a amazing brother, and my dislike of the character comes flooding back faster than you can say, "Team Emmett."
Jacob says he's here to remind everyone about the peace treaty, specifically some key points. He then glowers again. Again! Wow. Whatever number you thought about guessing for the Glower/Murmur contest, you might want to go ahead and double it.
The treaty states that the truce ends if the Cullens bite a human being. Jacob makes sure everyone understands that the treaty says "bite" and not "kill." It's safe to assume that Jacob doesn't want the vampires to transform Bella.
This infuriates Bella, who says it's none of Jake's business if the vampires bite her. He tries to control himself, and mashes his fists to his head. (Ooh! Maybe the muscle I need to flex in order to become a werewolf is in my head! Where's the Advil? I've got an idea!)
Edward warns Bella to be careful, but Jacob "scowls" at Edward (which I guess is better than glowering) and says he would never hurt her. Just as things become interesting, Charlie screams Bella's name.
Jacob apologies to her for bringing the motorcycle, saying that he had to try anything he could to stop her from seeing Edward. Before everyone leaves, Edward asks Jacob if the werewolves know where Victoria went. Jacob says she took off when Alice showed up and hasn't been back since.
Edward says that the vampires will handle Victoria now. But Jacob says that she killed on La Push land, so the werewolves will take care of her. (Guys, you don't need to worry about her. The immortal vampire will probably die of old age before her story is resolved.)
Charlie screams for Bella even louder. She asks if Jacob will keep his promise to remain friends with her. He says they can't be friends given the current circumstances. She wants to hug him, but Edward won't let her. What a jerk. Is he worried that Jacob will pour cola into her mouth?
Charlie keeps screaming. Bella and Edward walk towards his voice, leaving Jacob by himself. He is the solitary warrior. He is the man left behind. He is the wild beast whose broken heart no kiss can heal. He is…Mr. Black. [CUE THUNDER CRASH]
See, that's how the book should end. Instead, Bella prattles on about all the horrible things facing her: Victoria. The Volturi. And the fact that if she becomes a vampire, the werewolves will eat her. But as long as Edward is at her side, she can face anything. The End.
New Moon is 200 pages of an interesting story sandwiched between 100 pages of boring set-up and 100 pages of ridiculous, silly events. Is it better than the first book? That's hard to say. While the high points in New Moon (Bella and Jacob's relationship, the werewolves, etc.) are much better than anything that happens in Twilight, the low points in this book ("This is about my soul, isn't it?" and everything that happened after Alice returned) are much worse than even the silliest Twilight sections. So in the end, it evens out. New Moon is just as good/bad as Twilight.
Prediction for Eclipse:
The love between Bella and Edward will continue to grow, and she will promise to stay true to him while she's away at college. But she'll meet new friends at college, and one night, she will make the following drunken phone call to Edward.
EDWARD: Bella? Is that you?
BELLA: [TO SOMEONE ELSE] Shh. Guys! I’m on the phone! [TO EDWARD] Did I call you?
EDWARD: Are you OK?
BELLA: Hey! Have you heard of The Flaming Lips? They are, like…ohmygod! You have to listen to them! Where are my shoes?
EDWARD: I really don't have time for this.
BELLA: And then this other guy [inaudible] all over the floor! And we all ran!
EDWARD: That's great Bella. But listen, Emmett just brought over a bear and we're about to sit down to…
EDWARD: What's wrong?
BELLA: I think I kissed Jason last night. But it didn't mean anything. You know that, right? He's just a friend. My roommate is a total beyotch. That's why I sleep at Jason's now. That's OK, right? We only kiss because it's funny.
EDWARD: I don't like you when you're like this.
BELLA: Well, I don't like you when you're all…[MAKES A FUNNY DEEP VOICE] Blah, blah, I'm Edward and I'm so smart because I don't have a bed. [LAUGHS] That's what you sound like, dude!
EDWARD: I can't understand you. Why are you yelling?
BELLA: Jacob was the best! He was the best, and I wanted to kiss his mouth! But I didn't! I didn't! [CRYING] Where are my shoes?
EDWARD: How much did you drink tonight?
BELLA: And I told everyone about vampires, but they're all like, blah, blah, blah! So we don't need to worry. I have a bruise on my toe. Where are my shoes?
EDWARD: I don't think this relationship is working.
BELLA: Can I have $50? Don't ask me why I want it. Eww. My shirt smells like hot dogs. Jason is just a friend. He showed my how to rock climb and his dad is a lawyer. We're just friends.
EDWARD: I’m hanging up now.
BELLA: If I hold my nose like this, does it sound funny? [LAUGHS] Ooh! Pretty Woman is on! I'm so watching this!
EDWARD: Goodbye….forever. [HANGS UP]
Hungry for more Dan? Here are all his Twilight and New Moon posts.