Are You Too Old To Trick-or-Treat?

Yes. If you are reading this, you are probably  too old, and likely, you already knew that. But maybe you’re still not sure. Maybe you already have your spider costume and your bag all ready and you’ve been mapping out the good candy houses with gold stars and the ones that are likely to give you pennies or a toothbrush with a skull and crossbones.

And yet while you are doing this, maybe you have a slightly uneasy feeling in your gut, a feeling that, if examined, says, “maybe I shouldn’t go…yes, this spider costume with the independently moving arms and a rear-end stinger is completely awesome, but heck, maybe I am too old for this.” If so, I’d like you to take this simple test. Ready? Here it is.

Are you old enough to drive a car? Yes? Then I’m sorry to tell you, you are too old to trick-or-treat. And yes, this does include a learner’s permit. What does a driver’s license have to do with trick-or-treating, you might ask? Consider this: how many little ghosts and witches and cowboys and Batmen and princesses have you ever seen who, after collecting candy from your parents’ door, then sauntered down the walk, got in their maroon Subaru Legacy, and drove off to the next house? Probably none. Because that would be disturbing and wrong.

Are you small for your age? You may be thinking that you can get away with trick-or-treating, just for one more year. But here’s the thing about age…it shows up in your eyes. Haven’t you ever seen a baby that looks like an old man? Well. I’m just saying. Most masks have eyeholes, and people are going to know how old you are.

How low is your voice? There are some women who can sound like they are twelve years old far into their fifties, but this doesn’t really work for boys. The voice changes. It cracks and it lowers.  It happens at a certain age, and people know, more or less, what that age is. So boys, if your deep baritone rattles the silverware in its drawer when you sing “Old Man River”—it may be time for you to buy your own fun-sized Snickers bars.

Are you eager to get arrested? Still not convinced? Still headed out the door, stinger taped on, bag in hand? Then consider this—independent groundless speculation has verified that more people call the police on oversized trick-or-treaters than they do for any other incident during the year. Including having apples thrown through their plate glass windows. Do you want to have a criminal record to explain to your college admissions committee? Do you want to admit that it involved you and a big garbage bag with eight legs sticking out of it and your own insatiable appetite for free Laffy Taffy? Probably not.

One last note of warning. Just because you are likely too old to dress up and ask your neighbors for free stuff does not mean that you will get around the issue by simply failing to wear a costume. In fact, you are more likely to scare your neighbors by just showing up with a scowling pack of your big friends in dark jeans and hoodies. And people do rash things when they are afraid. It’s important to remember that a lot of people have guns in their homes.

Keeping that in mind, here are some other things you can do with your friends on Halloween that will keep you out of trouble and keep the fun factor high:

• Buy your own candy

• Go to a haunted house

• Make your own haunted house

• Watch a scary movie

• Help hand out candy to appropriate-sized children

• Dress your pet up like your favorite celebrity

• Make an entire pizza from scratch while wearing a blindfold

And after it’s all over, while the kiddos are busy stuffing peanut butter cups in their mouths and getting to work on making expensive and painful new cavities, you can brush your teeth, get behind the wheel, and drive away, singing “Old Man River.”

Related Post: Four Types of Cool Halloween Costumes