Time for Breakfast!

Everybody knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But maybe you’re bored with the usual offerings. Corn Flakes. Raisin Bran. Grape Nuts. Wheaties. They’re so general. So old school. Do these cereals really understand you? Do they know what you’re going through day after day? How could they? They’ve been around for literally hundreds of years and were probably made for people who had to ride 90 miles on a limping horse to get to and from school. People who had to keep dipping their pens in pots of ink to learn cursive, and completely stop what they were doing every 20 minutes to go throw a log on the fire to keep the seven-year-olds at the back of the classroom from getting the croup.

This is not the world in which you are eating your breakfast.

Luckily, there are a bunch of new cereals made with you in mind. Cereals so personal, so totally all about you, that you can’t help but put down your spoon, pump your fist in the air, and cry, “I’ve never felt so understood in my life!!!” Here are some of them:

Pep Rally Flakes: These crunchy flakes have something in them to keep you calm and focused for most of the day. Then at the end of the day, when you need to jump around and scream and be really excited when the football team comes running into the gymnasium promising to slice the rival team into ragged strips of meat later in the evening, then the flakes kick in. You’ll just have to try it and see what we mean.

Pop Quiz Crunch: This cereal will actually lower your heart rate when your history teacher stands at the front of the room rubbing his goatee and staring at the ceiling before bursting a pregnant pause with, “I think we’re going to see who’s been listening to me. Let’s do a pop quiz, and no, you can’t use any of your notes or your book, and this is going to be worth 40 percent of your grade, I just decided.”

I Have A Crush On You But You’re Seeing Someone Else's Nuggets: A hard, bitter cereal that you have to eat every day, and every day you wish it would taste different but it never does.

Band Rehearsalix: This cereal is so crunchy and loud that it has to be consumed in a room far away from all the other rooms in your house, and even then everybody can still hear you. After you’re finished eating it you’ll probably have an indentation on your face somewhere.

Clockwatcher’s Endless Tedium Squares: Time seems to stand still while you’re eating this very very boring cereal. You will think you’re halfway through the bowl, and when you look down you will be shocked to realize you’ve only eaten three squares.

Now What Chex: A cereal of an indistinct color, meant to sustain you during the time between the end of the school day and the time when you get home and have dinner or whatever, on those days when you don’t have an after-school activity.

Frosted What-Did-You-Get Puffs: This cereal enables you to ask your classmates what they got on their tests so you can see if you did better while also not looking like you’re being aggressively competitive.

Senior Slide-i-oes: The cereal you eat after you’ve already applied to college and taken the SAT and nothing you do from here on out really matters anyway. Best eaten from a reclining position in clothes you haven’t changed for three days.

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