Auntie SparkNotes: Lying Liars Who Lie

The advice-giving marathon continues! Read on:

I had a really rough time in junior high with catty girls, so when I got to high school and found a really good group of friends, it was a huge relief. My current group of friends are some of the best friends I've ever had, and we all click so well. But lately, one of the girls in the group (let's call her "Ellen"), who I'm very close to, has been lying to us about the most pointless stuff lately. For example, when I was gone one day she pointed at some random guy at lunch and told one of the girls in our group (let's call her "Kristen") that I'd gone through an awful breakup with him last year, and I ended up missing school for a week because of all the rumors. When "Kristen" told me about this, I asked "Ellen" about it, and even said, "Well, maybe it was a misunderstanding. Maybe "Kristen" heard you wrong or something." And she said, "No, it wasn't a misunderstanding! "Kristen" is lying!"

We're pretty sure that it's all just for attention, being that "Ellen" is a middle child and can be very dramatic at times, and we just figured that it was a phase that would end after awhile, but it's gotten increasingly worse, to the point that she's lying to us and exaggerating almost on a daily basis. "Kristen" is fed up with all the lying, and decided she wants to confront "Ellen" about it after seeing a text message "Ellen" had sent to another girl in the group saying basically that everyone except the girl she was talking to was being a bad friend. I've talked to my mom about it, but she seems to make excuses for "Ellen" because aside from this, she is normally such a great friend, and she thinks we should just ignore it. The rest of the girls don't know what to do, and I'm really not sure what to do about all this, and I'm really scared that this is going to break our group up. Are we overreacting about the lies? What's the best way to handle this?

I’ll tell you one thing right off the bat: You can’t ignore this until it goes away.

(Sorry.)

Your worry is totally understandable, of course; after suffering through mean-girl drama in junior high, this kind of multiplayer conflict among friends is bound to leave you feeling extra freaked out. (You also have your advice columnist’s sympathy—I know from experience that there is nothing, I mean NOTHING, scarier than a seventh grade queen bee with an axe to grind. [See illustration.]) But while it makes total sense that you’re a little conflict-shy, you need to talk to Ellen about her lying, and you need to do it sooner rather than later.

Now, the good news: It doesn’t have to get ugly, and you’re in a perfect position to keep things on the level. Yes, you’re all well within your rights to be cheesed about what’s going on—but while your group is probably raring to resolve this by poking Ellen with pointy sticks until she admits her wrongdoing, you should also consider that her lying might be a symptom of a bigger problem. She’s looking for attention, yes, but why? Is she under a lot of stress at school? Could she be having family problems? You say that she’s always been a great friend, that the lying started all of a sudden, and that it’s been getting progressively worse—which means that while it’s possible that Ellen is just a big fat lying liar who lies, it sounds more likely that something else is going on.

So, rather than organizing a four-on-one confrontation where you drag your fibbing friend out for public shaming and make her wear a t-shirt with a big, scarlet “L” on the front, sit down and talk to her as a friend. (If you think Ellen will try to pin the blame on someone else again, you may want to bring along one other member of the group to corroborate—but make sure it’s somebody friendly.) Tell her you know she’s been lying, bring up specific examples, say you’re concerned, and ask what’s going on. Be firm, but be kind.

Good conversation-starter: “We know you haven’t been telling the truth about [insert instance of lying here], and that you’ve been talking about us behind our backs. This isn’t like you, and we’re worried. Is something going on that you want to talk about?”

Bad conversation-starter: “LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!”

If she’s as good a friend as you say, Ellen will take this opportunity to tell you what's eating her, and she'll stop the dishonesty-as-attention-getter stuff—and your group of friends will be closer and stronger for having dealt with this in a caring, adult way.

And if she doesn’t… well, there’s always the “pants on fire” chant.

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