Unrequited Love is Awesome: Part 1

It appears we’ve got a situation on our hands: You, pal, have got a crush.

You’re suffering from one of the most common and horrifying afflictions known to man: Unrequited Love Syndrome, also known as ULS, also known as “This Righteously Sucks,” or, in medical terms, “Heartbreak-O’Rama-With-a-Touch-of-Infinite-Pain.” Everyone, at some point or another, develops an all-consuming, Romeo-and-Juliet, Bella-and-Edward, Voldemort-and-Evil-Deed-Doing crush, and that crush has the power to bring us to our knees. We pine, we obsess, we drool, we build creepy secret altars in our closets, and we cry quietly into our Easy Mac each night wondering, “Why can’t he/she just LOVE me? Is it because I’m ugly? Because I’m too shy? Because I spend my free time robbing graves in the town cemetery?” WRONG.

You are a stunning, brilliant, averagely tall human being, and if your crush doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, s/he obviously doesn't know the real you. In the next post in this series, we’ll discuss how to get your crush's attention and potentially force him to fall head over heels for you (hint: it involves an impossibly complicated toothpick bridge, a hand-sewn hot dog costume, and several hundred thousand dollars in Mexican currency). In the meantime, here are a few ways to take the sting out of unrequited love and make the most out of the misery-inducing heartache that is currently eating a hole into your chest.

1. Run at full speed through your neighborhood screaming “I AM NOT OBSSESSED WITH *insert crush’s name here* ANYMORE! YOU HEAR ME?! I’M MY OWN BEST FRIEND!! I DO WHAT I WANT! I LIVE ON THE EDGE! I WILL BE THERE AT 9 O’CLOCK SHARP TOMORROW TO MOW YOUR LAWN, MR. BANKS!!” If at all possible, trip over a curb, inspect your arms and legs for cuts and bruises, and, finding none, shout: “I AM INVINCIBLE! INVINCIBLE!” Then get hit by oncoming traffic for comic effect, but suffer only minor injuries and shortly thereafter become the hero of the cul-de-sac, a position that doesn’t pay as well as you’d hoped.

2. Put 37 Hot Tamales in your mouth. The pain will be so intensely blinding that you’ll forget your crush ever existed. You may even throw up. Vomit = bonus points.

3. Watch every episode of every season of “Gilmore Girls.” There are approximately 29 seasons of this show, which, if my calculations are correct, means there are roughly 78,945,412 episodes. By the time you’ve completed your marathon DVD session, you will be 300 years old and your crush will be dead.

4. Pull on your favorite jeans, slick your hair back with some syrup, and hit the town with your friends. Make a rule that every time you mention your crush’s name, you must contribute 1 dollar to the “Buy Chelsea Dagger a Dresden Blue 1957 ThunderBird" Jar. Actually, make a rule that you have to contribute $200,000 to that jar every time anyone says anything. Thanks.

5. Dedicate all of your time and energy to a craft project of your choosing. May I suggest anything involving catapults, dry spaghetti, priceless family heirlooms, and wizards? If you can use all of those items, you are the champion of the universe and the Backstreet Boys will sing a heart-wrenching 90’s ballad about your incomparable success and astounding good looks.

6. Write your memoirs. Entitle them “How I Bravely Overcame ULS and Went on to Become the Most Attractive, Wittiest, Most Funniest and Handsomest Person in the Country, and Possibly, Actually Definitely, in the World.” Go on a nation-wide book tour and amass a fortune of nearly 12 dollars. Bask in the glow of your success. BASK, I SAY.

Complete these steps and you’ll be well on your way to recovery. Complete them in under an hour, and you’ll famous. Famously dead. JEEZ, take a breather. Number 2 alone could take YEARS to perfect.