October Horoscopes

Because our September horoscopes were so scientifically accurate, we've decided to share our powers of precognition once again. What's coming up for you during the month of October? Read ahead, if you dare…

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Do not touch anything that is blue. This is a good month for relationships, and you may even find that special someone. However, it is a bad month for believing in horoscopes. So, you're kind of screwed on this one. Still, stay away from blue things! We're not joking.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Only exit elevators on prime-numbered floors. Your grades will improve this month, while your ability to "be cool" will deteriorate. Trust your instincts, except on Wednesdays. When your best friend starts dating someone you've had a secret crush on since the third grade, take the high road and wish her the best of luck. (And then spread rumors that your best friend is pregnant and addicted to opiates. The selfish pig deserves it!)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Finish what you start, even if it means singing all seven minutes of "Hey Jude" in your car, by yourself. The good news is that your soulmate will become single this month. The bad news is that this person will live in a different state (the state will end with a vowel) and you won't meet her for another two years. Sleep with your head pointing as North as possible. Do not offer anyone advice on how to cure the hiccups, as this will result in the hiccup sufferer's untimely death.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
For your predictions and advice, please see the horoscope for Libra, and place "Just kidding!" after each sentence.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will tell someone, "They made another Saw movie? Ugh. I hate those movies." Your nose will look better this month than it has ever looked before. Take advantage! Don't be afraid to make the first move, or the third move. Do not make the second move. You will have a headache on October 12, but the headache will only get worse if you mention to others that you are suffering from a headache. Increase your walking stride by 4%.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Do not trust trees. We mean that exactly as it sounds. Your relationship will be taken to the next level. Then it will plummet to level four. However, after a late night phone call, it will jump to level fifteen for an entire weekend. But a misunderstanding and a strongly worded text message will take the relationship to level ten, where it will remain until next month. You will not eat blueberries.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Don't look now, but there is something in your backpack that shouldn't be there. Those pants look great on you! The answer to all of your problems is in the writing lab. Bad things will happen if you take money from the vending machine coin return that wasn't yours to take. If you lower your voice slightly, everyone will think you're sexier. Someone you love will not die. Oh, and Mike has your notes.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Starting a conversation with the person sitting on your left will lead to a romantic and fun Christmas. (But Valentine's Day is going to be nasty.) Be open minded when it comes to ear accessories and modes of transportation. Be close-minded when it comes to finger accessories and ways to rake leaves. Don't look up, because you will not like what you see. Also, looking over your shoulder will void each and every prediction in this horoscope.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will hit the caps-lock key, and this will hinder your ability to input your email password correctly. You will not realize this for several minutes as you continuously type out your password. Someone has a crush on you. We know who it is, but we promised not to tell. We think you'll make a great couple! It's so exciting! You are perfect for each other! You guys must get married! You simply must! OK. OK. We'll try to calm down. By the way, this person may or may not wear glasses. (Hint: They wear glasses!)

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Good things will happen during October, but only if you use more verbs than nouns. Answering the phone in a different way (e.g. "Howdy, partner!") will result in anger, abrupt hangups, and missed opportunities. Stay near windows as much as possible, but avoid mirrors and still, reflective puddles of water. Something will happen to your fingers, but honestly, we've told you too much already.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Something that is kind of cool, but kind of lame will happened during the second week of the month. (But do us a favor and act surprised and happy when it happens, because a lot of people went through a lot of trouble to make this "thing" possible. OK?) Study up on former president Rutherford B. Hayes, and you will thank us later. On October 8, you will have something hanging from your nose, but no one will mention it because they don't want to embarrass you. Also, your friend will hate you by the time you finish this sentence. (You know why.)

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
At some point during the month you will say, "Do you hear that?" but no one around you will hear it. Then you will say, "Shh. Listen. You don't hear that? It's like a whining noise. You seriously don't hear that? You guys are deaf." Sorry that this prediction wasn't very epic or life altering. But you should give us points for how specific (and accurate) it is. Also, you will not die. Not even a little bit. And (spoiler alert) you won't die next month either. There. Is that a better horoscope?

Do you like your horoscope, Sparklers?