Chris Listens: Magnet Schools, Changing Friends, and Waiting for the Right Time

Hello Sparklers. Welcome to Chris Listens, the internet advice column that juxtaposes your questions and my answers. This week, I received a rather specific inquiry about this whole enterprise:

I was on SparkNotes and stumbled upon your advice column. What an absurd job. How did you get it? Speaking of which, does SparkNotes have headquarters? Do you guys hate CliffsNotes? I've never been so curious!

Indeed, it is totally absurd. But here's the deal: I got the job through a strange confluence of events. First of all, my name happens to be Chris, and amazingly, I happen to have ears built for listening. It would be difficult to host a column called “Chris Listens” if I was an earless fellow named Chauncey. SparkNotes does have a headquarters: It’s deep inside the brains of everyone who needs a little help with their homework from time to time. Cheesy, right? Actually, it’s far, far underground, beneath a mountain made of candy. Actually, fine, the HQ is in New York City, a.k.a. The Big Snapple. And no, we definitely don’t hate CliffNotes. So now you know about us. But for the rest of this post, let’s talk about you!

So I'm a junior and I have a crush on a senior. In sophomore year, I watched him in interest (because he just stood out to me) but I didn't like him yet. Now, I feel sort of close with him. The problem is that he doesn't know me. At all. However, I knew his older brother, who is now in college. I want to talk to him, but I can't find a way that doesn't seem creepy or stalkerish. What should I do, Chris? I know he doesn’t have any major extracurriculars, and he isn't friends with any of my friends. How can I approach him and get to know him a little better?

What you need is a point of entry into this boy’s life. Fortunately, you already have one. Try this line, delivered in person or through your social networking platform of choice: “Hey, Crush, I just realized that you’re related to Your Older Bro—we used to be friends back in the day. Anyway, just thought I’d introduce myself and say hi. So, yeah: HI!” Hopefully he will respond in some way, and you can take it from there. If not, you’ll just have to keep your peepers peeled for another opportunity. However, if he doesn’t respond to your initial I-know-your-bro maneuver, I would be careful about trying another strategy right away, lest you seem, as you rightly fear, creepy and/or stalkerish. Give the brother technique a try and let me know how it goes!

I'll try to explain this in the shortest and least confusing way possible... I am going into my sixth week of college as a freshman. I came in knowing virtually no one here. At a pre-going-to-college event for freshmen, I saw this one guy (by the way, I'm a girl). He looked really familiar, so I asked one of the alumni who had been going around talking to the new students about him. I'll call him "Mike" because Fred is so overused. Anyway, Mike is really into music and he seemed like a person that I would really like to get to know. So I friended him on Facebook and started talking to him. Normally I am against getting to know a person online before in person, but I figured that it would be nice to go to college with at least a partial friend. So, the first day of school rolled around and I saw Mike in the cafeteria sitting next to another guy. He pulled up a chair for me and I sat and talked to the two guys.  Basically, it's the sixth week of school and I've gotten really close to them both, particularly Mike. In fact, I see him every day. I keep a lookout for him every day. He is my closest friend so far. To be honest, I don't know my feelings for him. What I know of him so far (which is a lot considering the time that has passed), I really like his personality, he makes me smile and laugh, we have a good time together, and I am attracted to him. If you want to interpret that as "like," by all means consider it that. We talk practically every day, and I know that I am falling for him. But I know that it is the wrong timing. I know that it is the wrong timing. My parents got engaged after three weeks of knowing each other. They just about did the exact thing that Mike and I are doing right now, except that it was in half the time, and it ended in an engagement. Now, my parents have been married 27 years and I can tell there is hardly any love in their marriage and both have changed since they married each other. Basically, I know that the timing is off for even engaging in any sort of relationship. I want to be a good friend. I go out of my way to be a good friend.  Just last week, I drove to his special spot overlooking the river at three in the morning because he needed someone there to hold and comfort him (because he is a very sensitive guy—very genuine). I am being a good friend, as best that I know how... but at the same time, I want it to be more. It is sad to reflect at this fact, but when I am not doing my homework or being distracted by something else, my mind always wanders to Mike. I don't even know if he returns the affection, because while he flirts, he likes to joke a lot as well, so it's hard to tell. To be honest, I am not sure exactly what I am asking... I suppose it could be something along the lines of: How in the world it is possible to wait for the "right time"? How do you know what the "right time" is? And also, what do I do until then? Wow, so much for short and not confusing...

The short and hopefully not confusing answer is that it’s impossible to wait for the right time because you'll never really know when the right time has arrived. There is no siren that goes off or bell that chimes (although if someone would invent this, I know quite a few people who would be grateful). Quick story: Back when I was a freshman in college, I didn’t want to have a girlfriend. I had just gotten to college and everything was new and I wanted to have a bunch of fun experiences and not get all serious right off the bat. But then I met a girl. And although I had some initial concerns, I went for it. And she went for it, too. Almost 12 years later, we're still together. Neither of us had any idea whether it was the right time, and in fact I was pretty sure it was the wrong time, but all we could do was act on the feelings we had at the moment. And I encourage you to do the same, otherwise you will wait forever for that right time to arrive, and you'll perpetually second-guess yourself wondering, "Is this the right time? What about now? How 'bout now?" Don’t resist your emotions because of what happened with your parents or because of any preconceived notions you have about how a relationship should start. Meaningful relationships can survive bad timing, and you'll be glad you initiated something when you did. If it’s not meant to be, then that’s fine, but if you do have strong feelings for Mike, you should at least give it a shot.

I know this question may seem silly compared to the other ones, but it's really bothering me. You see, I order a fashion magazine from my friend's address because my parents won't allow me to read it. I live from month to month on that magazine, but when my friend gets it, she leaves it at her house, saying she's too busy to read it. I sometimes feel annoyed by that, because I wait so long for it and at the end, she just leaves it at her house. I pay for the magazine's subscription fee, but I do acknowledge the fact that she is doing me a favor by receiving the magazine and giving it to me. Am I being selfish or is my friend being inconsiderate? Should I just buy the magazine monthly at the newsstand, although it's a LOT more expensive?

I would recommend keeping the arrangement as it stands and trying to worry less about getting the magazine the moment it arrives. (Am I right in imagining you devour the magazine in a day or two, leaving you another 28 days until the next issue is delivered?) Right now your friend is helping you out by receiving the mag and conveying it to your waiting hands, but if she's not getting anything out of the situation, it doesn’t matter that you’re paying for it—it's still a favor. If you think your friend is intentionally keeping the magazine from you because she wants to read it, you might want to talk to her about it. But my suspicion is that you’re overreacting a little because you just really really love this magazine. My advice is to not buy the magazine on the newsstand because, as you stated, it’s a lot more expensive. Also, from what I know about the magazine business, publishers really like having subscribers. It makes them feel good because it helps them get more advertisers and stay in business and therefore keep producing magazines that keep you alive from month to month.

I'm finishing my last year of middle school, and am beginning to look at my options for high school. There are two public schools that I can go to: a regular school and a magnet school. I don't want to go to the regular school, because I'm one of those overachieving types, but I don't want to go to the magnet school because, a) it's geared towards math and science (I can't stand math and have no desire to have a science career) and b) the school is notorious for giving 5 or more hours of homework per night. The only other local private schools are Christian, and I'm not. I live farther away from the city, but I took a look at their private schools anyway. They looked really great, and were geared toward social studies and humanities, which is what I want my career to deal with. The problems are a) I live so far away; b) the tuition for one year is so expensive I could just buy a new house and move closer; and c) my financial status is such that I can't pay the tuition, but I don't qualify for financial aid either! I'm really mad that my options are so limited. Can you please help me?

Magnet school all the way! I know a few people who have gone to math and science magnet schools and despite not being math or science geeks, they really liked the experience and felt it was much better than going to the regular school. Even if the school focuses on math and science, I reckon they have strong programs in the humanities as well because they have to provide students with a well-rounded education. Another plus is that you won’t feel like you have to compete with the kids who are there to win the Advanced Calculus Olympiad. As far as the homework situation goes, if you are an overachiever, you’re probably already doing a lot of homework. In general, I’m not a huge fan of private high schools because I think they are wildly expensive, don’t necessarily provide a better education, and are plagued with the kinds of social problems you see on Gossip Girl. If you have a free alternative to private school, I would take full advantage.

Over the past two years, some of my friends have been changing. Three separate people (who don’t know each other) have started making other friends, and it has spiraled until they all now have boyfriends and get drunk every night (just for the sake of it). And now we’re not friends because I’m not like that, I could never be, so we just don't click anymore and we can’t be friends. (Also, they've become very very very annoying, bitchy, and dumb people). And one of them who was my best friend, now we never talk (she doesn’t go to my school so it's hard with all her new friends). And I just feel that 1. I’m losing all my friends (because loads more are changing, I can tell). 2. Everyone is growing up and leaving me behind. 3. Loads of them hate me, they think I’m too serious and "emo" (I’m not, I just don’t want to get stupidly drunk all the time) and now I feel like no one really knows me because the people who did have left me. And I’m feeling lonely (and ugh I swear I’m not "emo" but I’m going to say it) and I sort of feel like no one understands me, enough to be friend anyway (I feel dirty just saying that :p). Thanks if you can give me any advice :)

I’m sorry to hear about your changing friends! Rest assured that you are not alone—most people lose friends during high school, but fortunately they usually gain a few too. I personally would not want to be friends with annoying bitchy dumb drunk people who criticize me for being too serious, so maybe it's best that those friends are moving on out of your life. The advice I have may not be easy to take, especially if you are feeling lonely and misunderstood, but here it is anyway: You have to be a little patient. You will make more friends. And you will find people who understand you. It just takes time. While you can help the process by setting off on a friend-finding mission, be careful not to force the issue. You might want to join an extracurricular activity to put yourself into a new group of people, or maybe this is the perfect moment to introduce yourself to someone who you’ve always wanted to be friends with. It won’t be easy, but I know you can do it!

Got an absurd job or a roster of ridiculous friends? Send the deets to chris@sparknotes.com.

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