Auntie SparkNotes: Xenophobes and Pennsylvanian Beavers

Today's letter: Variations on a theme!

So my friends and I have a problem. Towards the end of last year, a girl moved to our school and one of my best friends was chosen by the admissions office to show her around. We didn't have the same classes together, but we did have lunch, so she sat with us then. But this year, it's different, and she's following us everywhere, and asking about our full schedules and everything.

She's actually really sweet but she still can't really speak english well and we are the only people who actually talk to her. It's not that no one else likes her, they just . . . aren't interested? Everyone's really busy this year with college applications and a.p. courses, so there isn't that much time to hang out but when we say that to her, she gets all sad and takes it like a personal insult, like we don't want to be around her at all. Like I said, she's nice, but she's just not a close friend, not someone I would call up to hang out with (when I actually have the time), but I really don't like hurting her feelings. I feel like I'm obligated to be her friend, but then, that's not really friendship, so I feel like I'm lying to her.

She's getting more and more clingy as if she's desperate to not be forgotten by us. It's getting more and more awkward and we're not really sure how to deal with her. I think ignoring her would be just as hurtful as telling her how we feel.

Auntie SparkNotes can’t help noticing what a popular topic the clingy friend seems to be. In fact, between the comments on our last column and the number of emails coming in from people with similar problems, we’ve obviously got an epidemic of clingeritis on our hands. Somebody had better contact the U.S. Department of Health about a vaccine, y’all—this is worse than swine flu!

But don’t worry: I know exactly what to do. After all, we can’t have non-English-speaking students just running around, willy-nilly, attempting to… to… to make friends with their classmates! Good lord, it makes my kidneys twitch just to think about it! And if we allow that sort of activity, then what’s next? ANARCHY, that’s what. So waste no time: The next time this troublesome foreigner comes sniffing around, throw a blanket over her, club her on the head, and put her in a large box to be shipped to someplace very far away. Like Finland, or Illinois.

(pause)

Yes, of course I’m kidding.

I know that senior year is a busy time, and that the flurry of test-taking, advanced classes, and college applications have put a temporary damper on everyone’s social activities. But COME THE [unprintable word] ON. You guys can’t find a smidgen of room in your collective hearts to help this girl out?

You do have my sympathy; we all know that clingers suck, and it’s annoying to have a hanger-on messing up the dynamic in an established group of friends. But consider things from her point of view—as in, imagine how unbearably freakin’ lonely it would be to finish out your high school career in a place where you can’t communicate well, nobody is interested in getting to know you, and your only connection is with a group of people who think you're awkward and clingy.

Ouch.

I’m not saying you need to initiate her into your inner circle and become insta-BFFs—if you don’t like her, you can’t force it (although “she doesn’t speak English that well” really isn’t the most compelling argument for not hanging out with someone.) But you said yourself that she's nice, so you could include her occasionally, right? And more importantly, you can help her make some friends. This is your good deed for the year: have a party, organize a bowling night, get a group together to go protest the unethical treatment of beavers in eastern Pennsylvania—it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’ll help her meet other kids from your class (bonus points if they speak her language), expand her social circle, and—yes—take the pressure off your group to be her only source of friendship.

You can even put it on your college applications as “International Diplomacy.”

Got something to say? Have a question for Auntie SparkNotes? Hit up the comments, or email her at advice@sparknotes.com.