Keep That Outburst In!

Kanye at the VMAs, Serena on the court, Representatives in Congress: 2009 is officially the year of the outburst! If you're considering a meltdown of your own, be careful. There are some situations where you should avoid an outburst at all costs:

1. During an exam
Freakouts rarely work as a ploy to get an exam postponed. Believe us, we’ve tried. More than once. More than five times, if you really need to know. Teachers have gotten wise to this method. So if you want to jump up, pull out two fencing swords, and yell, “Mrs. Krushton, I have a bone to pick with you!” during your physics exam, go ahead. She’s got the time. And you’ve got the F. Besides, everyone knows Mrs. Krushton was All State in fencing.

2. During a screening of the new Twilight film
Edward Cullen, have mercy on the poor soul who dares utter even a single word during a screening of New Moon. Only if you’re wearing full body armor and have a third-degree black belt should you venture to yell something out during the film. Outburst aside, we wouldn’t dare even go to the bathroom during it, for fear an angry fan would kick us into the aisle for partially obscuring her view for 2.3 seconds. Twihards mean business! So keep all outbursts in. You can run around afterward in full swoon, screaming, “I love you, Edward!” for as long as you like.

3. During a job interview
Even if you don’t like the interviewer’s question about the salsa-covered-customer incident that lost you your previous job at Taco Mania, keep your cool. Once you land this job, you can invest in a stress ball and a CD of soothing rain forest sounds so no future customers find themselves covered in condiments. From the interview to the daily grind, work is no place for outbursts. Scream in your car on the way home, if you must. Just make sure you keep the windows rolled up.

4. At a concert
This one makes the list simply because you don't want to waste a good outburst in a place where no one will hear it anyway. Anybody who’s tried to ask the person behind him to stop trying to get on his shoulders knows that concerts are an outburst dead-zone. Plus, if it’s a Kanye concert, don’t even bother. You can’t take on the master.

5. Online
The worst thing about an online rant is that it lasts forever. Verbatim. You can never deny calling your best friend a duck-faced mouth-breathing HPV-spreader on Facebook—she has the screenshot proving you did. As this British woman now knows, you never know who has his eye on you online. The internet lives forevvvverr. So erase your ALL CAPS e-outburst, watch some cuddly kitten videos, and feel all your tension melt away.

Sparklers, have a comment about outbursts? We would love to hear it.

Related post: VMA FAIL: Kanye Wins Moon Man for Worst Sport