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How To Be the Best Texter EVER

How To Be the Best Texter EVER

By Chelsea Dagger

Texting is taking over our lives, and man oh man, is it great. Jim needs directions to the movie theater? Text him. Sarah desperately needs covert advice about what to do when her date orders 17 root beer floats and builds a root beer castle? Texxxxt her. Texting makes everything easier, faster, and more convenient.

The only problem is, some people suck at it. We’ve all gotten texts that make us roll our eyes, sigh exasperatedly, and fall to our knees on the sidewalk screaming, “WHY WOULD YOU TEXT ME THIS NONSENSE? WHY?!?” In fact, you yourself could be guilty of bad texting and not even know it. But never fear, you texting maniac, because help is on the way.

Actually, it’s here already. Below are a few texting guidelines to keep in mind when you’re sending messages galore to all your lucky buddies.

Don’t Overdo It: Hey, everybody loves texting. It’s probably the greatest invention since sexy vampires. But even sexy vampires can get annoying when they tap you on the shoulder every 3 minutes and say “Hiiii hey whats up how r u k call me l8r luv u!!” If you text more than you talk, it’s time to put down that tiny shiny keypad and stretch out those fingers. Texting non-stop may be fun and easy, but sending dozens of texts a day just to say check in or say “hi” is overkill, especially if you’re romantically interested in the person you’re texting. Text with a specific purpose, like to share a funny story or set up a date, and you’ll come off as someone who’s got a life outside of his/her cell phone screen. Limiting your messaging to meaningful, witty texts makes you seem intriguing and confident, and there’s nothing a sexy vampire loves more than an intriguing, confident texter. Except maybe a bucket of blood, but that’s gross and mostly beside the point.

Take It Easy on the Emoticons: Abraham Lincoln once said, “I pity da fool who uses too many smiley faces in his text messages.” And if we know anything about Honest Abe, it’s that he would never tell a lie (and that he rocked everybody’s face off at Guitar Hero). So listen to the man: don’t litter your texts with loads of smiles, frowns, hearts, or other punctuation arranged to vaguely resemble a human face. Too many emoticons in a text is like too many gummy bears in your ice cream: at first it seems awesome, but soon you’re feeling nauseous and staring grimly into a puddle of gummy bear soup.

Emoticons are great every once and a while, but most of the time words work just as well (and prove that you’re literate). Remember, George Washington limited himself to one emoticon per conversation, and he’s practically the best texter who ever lived. You can’t argue with history.

Get More Mileage: Have you ever spent 45 minutes on a text conversation that could have taken 5? Here’s an example:
Suzy: hi
Evan: hey
Suzy: wats up?
Evan: nothing u?
Suzy: nothing
Evan: cool
Suzy: yeah. haha.
Evan: what r u doing 2nite?
Suzy: dont kno. u?
Evan: idk either
Suzy: movies?
Evan: maybe. brads having a party thing too
Suzy: cool. u going?
Evan: dont kno. u?
Suzy: maybe
Evan: cool

AND…END SCENE. Now that you’ve stabbed your eyes out with whatever sharp object was closest, you can probably agree that conversations like the one above are mind-numbingly awful. But don’t panic. This is an easy problem to fix: you just stick a lot of words together into one text, instead of spreading them out over 317. Watch:

Suzy: hey ev, whats up? got any plans for 2nite? I was thinking movies or something.
Evan: sounds good, brads having a party at his house, so we could do that too.
Suzy: awesome. ill call u when im out of class and well decide!

WOW. It’s like magic. And just think of all the time you’ll save! Take those hours and do something really great, like building a life-size replica of the Amazon rainforest using only Skittles, peanut butter, and cold hard determination. Now that’s something you can put on your college applications.

Related Post: Ready, Set, Text!

Topics: Digital
Tags: text

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About the Author
Chelsea Dagger

Since 2010, Chelsea Dagger (known in real life as Chelsea Aaron) has been SparkLife's sweatiest editor. She's currently working on a how-to-kiss guide for teens, and when she's not conducting smooch-related research on her life-size Joseph Gordon-Levitt cardboard cutout, she's eating pancakes, stocking up on industrial-strength deodorant, and destroying everyone at Harry Potter trivia. (EXPECTO PATRONUM!)

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.