Your school mascot is an important figure in your high school life. He’s fierce, he’s energetic, he’s a warrior, he’s probably a predatory animal with a sharp beak or terrifying claws. The job of the school mascot is to intimidate the opposing team into losing, faltering, cowering under the vicious threat of impending attack. So what if the mascot is just a guy in a stuffy costume with little holes for eyes? That’s not the point.
The point is, if your home team has suffered a few too many losses in the past couple of years, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your mascot. This is not a difficult task, because the list of acceptable mascots is pretty short. Again, think dangerous, predatory animals. Sharp teeth and claws. A gimlet eye and meat on the mind. Like these:
• Sharks
• Cougars
• Eagles
• Wolverines
• Cobras
On the other hand, here are some mascots that you may want to reconsider:
• The Skittering Cockroaches
• The Fighting Dairy Cows
• The Endangered Hummingbirds
• The Indigenous Peoples
• The Glass Unicorns
• The Pregnant Camels
• The Tiny Vegetarian Bats
Remember, think scary and powerful. But don’t make it personal. You don’t want your school board to end up in a lawsuit over thoughtless mascot names such as these:
• The Venus and Serena’s Dads
• The Public Option Health Plans
• The Eliot Spitzers
Besides, those names don’t make a lot of sense and it’s going to be hard for a crowd to get behind a mascot like the Health Plans. You don’t want fans from your own side attacking your mascot. It tends to lower morale.
And it’s probably best that you keep your mascot male. Yes, everybody knows that a female bear (or lion, cougar, or whatever) whose cubs are threatened can be the most dangerous beast in the world. But you see the problem here:
• The Momma Bears
• The Nesting Sparrows
• The Lactating Otters
Unfortunately it just doesn’t work, as much as we might think it should, which is kind of a disappointment, but oh well.
And speaking of disappointment, with the right mascot cheering you on, it’s very unlikely that your team will disappoint you again by losing. So think it through this time. Choose wisely, good luck, and Go Team!!!
Related Post: But Does it Have a Cute Mascot? Overlooked School Selection Criteria
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