Auntie SparkNotes: Toxic Friends and the Rules of Responsible Dumping

This week: More toxic friends.

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
I've always thought of myself as a good person, and most people I know think so as well. However, it seems that I keep losing friends. Looking back on my past, I realize that I've never been able to keep close friends for a very long period of time. Just over a year ago I had a best friend who decided that she didn't want me in her life anymore and stopped talking to me. It was traumatic and I suffered greatly from it and stopped trusting anyone for a quite a while. Then I made a new best friend, and we seemed to get along great.

I grew back my confidence and was outgoing again. However, just last week we had a bit of a fight and didn't talk for a few days. I wasn't terribly concerned, knowing that people often disagree, and we had been through bigger issues and been able to stay friends. However, when I called her on Saturday to talk, she didn't answer. I left her a message saying I was sorry and that we should talk it out. She replied with a text saying "don't call me." I was baffled. It hadn't been a very big disagreement and the only reason I put off calling her was because of school, I didn't want to bug her when she might be busy. So, of course, I replied asking her what was wrong, and saying I just wanted to talk. She called and yelled at me not to call her or text her anymore and she didn't want to talk to me ever again. I didn't (and don't) know what to do. She knew about my friend last year and about every issue I had ever had. She was the best friend I had ever had, and she always said the same to me. I am not now looking for some way to win back her friendship, but for some sort of guidance as to delving into myself to see why these things keep happening to me. Am I a bad person? Do people just dislike me for no reason? Do I have an overwhelming personality that people tend to get sick of after awhile? I don't feel like I've ever done anything so wrong to anyone that would keep people from being friends with me.. If there is some way to tell what I am doing wrong, I'd very much like to know. I would appreciate any kind of help you can give me.

Here at SparkNotes, we get an awful lot of letters from Sparklers who have been left in the lurch by someone significant—and who are suffering like crazy because that person refuses to explain the reasons for the breakup. So before we begin, please allow me to impart the following Rule of Responsible Dumping: When terminating a relationship, whether romantic or platonic (and except in cases of abuse), you—as the dumper—owe your dumpee at least one convo about what went wrong. One conversation. ONE. Because breakups are painful, and that can’t be avoided, but there is no need to TORTURE THE HEARTBROKEN.

This has been a public service announcement from the U.S. Department of Stop Being a Butthead.

Now, for our letter-writer: I can’t help wishing you’d told me a bit more about the events that precipitated these two BFF breakups, and not just because Auntie SparkNotes lurves some good, gossipy, gratuitous dishing-of-the-dirt. Without knowing what those fights were about—or what the previous “bigger issues” were—it’s hard for me to tell whether your friends might have had a good reason to end the relationships (although, as I mentioned, cutting off contact like that with no explanation is needlessly spiteful and really uncool.) Which means that you’ll need to do the work, by taking an honest, critical look at your friendships from both sides. Think about this:

- When you fight, what do you fight about? You worry about having an overwhelming personality; has somebody told you that you come on too strong, too fast?

- If you worry that people don’t like you, do you ever compensate by getting clingy?

- And, most importantly, what keeps attracting you to friendships with such an uneven dynamic? Your letter tells me that you have a tendency to choose BFFs of a very particular type—passionate people whose personalities are fierce, but fickle. And while somebody so intense can make you feel like you’ve got an instant bestie-for-life who understands you like nobody else, the flip side of her personality carries some serious Jekyll-and-Hyde-style nastiness. All that intensity channels itself into over-the-top anger, a minor fight turns into an all-out war, and all the energy that attracted you in the first place is being used to push you away—which, as you well know, hurts like a mother.

My guess is that your problem has more to do with the last question than it does with the first—and that the intensity of your BFF friendships has made it hard for you to be regular friends with many other people. So rather than looking for another BFF, try just making some… Fs. Find a core group of kids you like, and spend time with them. And if one of them turns out to be BFF material, so much the better. (Just take it slow, yo.)

Also: Auntie SparkNotes is on vacation next week, so there won’t be a column next Friday, but feel free to keep sending questions. I'll read 'em when I get back.

Advice for our letter writer? Question for Auntie SparkNotes? Leave your comments below, or email queries to advice@sparknotes.com.