Alternatives to the Giant Backpack

Oh my gosh, is that your backpack? That’s huge. You look like Atlas trying to hold up the Celestial Sphere. If you were at the airport, you’d be charged an extra fifty bucks to check that thing. That’s sad, it really is. Why are you carrying that thing?

Oh right, because you have to. Because you only get four minutes between classes and it would take you seven minutes just to get to your locker, and you can’t be late to Generalized Culture because the teacher goes insane about tardiness, and if your GPA drops down to 3.999999, it doesn’t matter how great your personal essay about Voluntary Excellence is, you won’t get into Harvard. You just won’t.

Instead you’ll go to Mulcher Technical College and become an expert in heating and cooling systems, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not really what you had in mind for yourself. Fine. But gosh that bag looks heavy. There’s got to be another way. So let’s see if we can’t help you lighten your load. It’s important to remember that you do have options in life, so let’s explore a few of them, shall we?

1. Wheelie bag. The best thing about a wheelie bag is that it takes all the annoyance off your shoulders and puts it squarely in the path of the person who is trying to walk behind you. And the wheelie bags that swivel are pretty cool. They are. Hey, I bet you didn’t think vacuum cleaners were cool either, until you saw those Dyson ones that rotate on a ball and use water pressure to steam up all the crap in your carpet, which you can see coming up through the transparent funnel. (Which is like using one of those Oxy pads and then looking at it afterwards to see how filthy your face was, and don’t pretend you don’t do this because everybody does this. That’s what they’re for.)

Benefits: Light maneuverability.

Drawbacks: Geek factor.

2. Leave some stuff in your locker. We all know that administrators are sneaking around between classes with big German Shepards doing random locker checks, looking for drugs and embarrassing notes to self. You don’t want to get a hall pass to use the bathroom and run into Mr. Fernwinder and Rex standing at your opened locker, Mr. Fernwinder slowly unzipping the inside pocket of your jacket while Rex sniffs your gym bag for dirty underwear.

But if you have nothing to hide, and your locker is within a quarter mile of least two of your eight to sixteen daily classes, this may be a good option for you.

Benefits: A lighter backpack. Easier organization.

Drawbacks: A lot of running while pretending to not be running. Barely suppressed panic. No bathroom breaks.

3. Don’t carry anything. This is the mystery option. Simply do not bring anything to class, ever. Not a notebook, not paper, not a pen or a pencil. You simply show up with your undivided attention. You become a professional listener. You tell people that taking notes is for amateurs. This technique is good if you want to cultivate an air of sophistication, and want to spread the rumor that you have a photographic memory.

The secret is the digital voice recorder in your pocket, and the dirty part of that secret is that you are going to have to go home every day and transcribe all those notes and this is going to take you an extra three hours, during which time you may or may not eat dinner, but that’s fine because your artsy mystique would be well-served by also being a little on the pale and thin side.

Benefits: Aura of mystery.

Drawbacks: Impractical and pretentious.

4. Home schooling. When you are home schooled, there is no need for a bag, because all your stuff is around the house, somewhere, if you could just find it. Now all you need to do is convince dad and/or mom to take time off work, or better yet, one of them can quit his/her job, and stay home and talk to you about quadratic equations. If you miss your friends, there’s always Facebook and Twitter. And how many of your friends can get up and eat fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt out of the fridge in the middle of every class? That’s right, none of them. You should call them up right now and rub it in their faces. Wait, they’re all in class right now, so you can’t.

Benefits: Never have to change out of your pajamas.

Drawbacks: Never have to change out of your pajamas. Mom and dad.

How do you deal with your giant backpack?

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