Chris Listens: Feeling Fat, Smoking Boyfriends, and a Career Conundrum in Romania

Hello again. Those who keep track of this sort of thing might have noticed that for the last week or so, the standard Chris Listens posts have given way to my guide to falling for your BFF. And while I've enjoyed delving into that tangled web of love, I feel bad about not getting to your other questions. So this week I’m taking extra care with your queries. None of my answers amount to “Go eat this amazing sandwich, I promise you’ll feel better.” Well, maybe one of them does. But that’s why you read this column, right? Here we go!

So over the past year, I gained 11 pounds and now all I can think about is my weight. I feel so fat! Even though people always call me really skinny and thin and stuff, I still can't help feeling like a huge whale. None of my clothes fit right anymore and I am constantly weighing myself and trying crash diets that never work. I get so stressed out over it and the one thought on my mind is how I look. I get on the scale everyday and weigh myself. I'm constantly crying because I can't stop thinking about how I hate myself for getting so fat. I've even tried starving myself for days, but then I can never follow through with it, and I feel guilty about it. I've also tried throwing up on purpose several times, but I've never been able to. I've never had a boyfriend either, and I'm 16. I feel like maybe if I lose weight, a guy will finally like me. I know I'm probably wrong, but I can't help it. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone because there's always something that I can find that I hate about myself. How do I stop hating myself so much and just be able to feel good?

Thanks for writing in. It’s not easy to talk about this kind of stuff, and I’m glad you shared how you’re feeling. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time, but fortunately there are some very concrete steps—both emotional and physical—you can take to feel better. The first thing you need to address is your destructive self-image, meaning the fact that you keep hating on yourself for all these different things. Ideally, you should be happy with yourself no matter what you look like or how much you weigh, and in order to do that you need to stop dwelling on and magnifying the things you don’t like. Make a list of the things you’ve accomplished over the past year. Put the list where you can see it so that you can be reminded that you are in fact completely awesome. Concentrate on goals that have nothing to do with losing weight. It's hard to get obsessed if you have something to distract you. In addition, you may want to talk to a counselor or therapist, especially because you starve yourself and you’ve thought about throwing up. These are very drastic, unhealthy measures, and they aren’t going to make you feel any better about yourself. If you really want to stay fit, focus on eating right and exercising regularly. You might still gain weight because of your metabolism and genetic makeup, but the important thing is that you don’t try to override your body's natural tendencies. No one is able to control his or her body completely, and you have to accept that. The important thing to realize is that it’s totally possible to feel 100% amazing about yourself no matter how much you weigh, so you should start managing your obsession ASAP before it gets worse. Take care of yourself!

I almost feel bad asking this because I know that you tend to get a lot of sensitive subjects like stories about people whose dogs ran away or whose iPods have been stolen (I know mine has, and it's very disappointing). But here it goes, because I kind of need this. I was just wondering if you knew of somewhere I could look for a list of really good riddles for high school students that I could give to my teacher. He's the best teacher, like ever, and I told him I would find some really good riddles (even if they're kind of corny), but I really couldn't find like any, so I was hoping you could help me out?

Assuming you can’t make it to Egypt to talk to the Sphinx, your next best option is the internet. Using the extra-special search terms “riddles for high school,” I found Brain Food (check out the Party Puzzles), this page of brainteasers from the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, and Wu Riddles, which have absolutely nothing to do with Wu-Tang Clan. There are plenty of confuzzling quagmires to test the best teacher’s gray matter, and a few corny ones mixed in.

When me and my friend were in Ireland last July, we were frustrated with the constant changing of distance measurements while driving. (The Irish Republic uses kilometers, while Northern Ireland, part of the UK , uses miles). So my friend came up with the term kilomiles: 1000 miles. Think of the possibilities: air travel can be measured in kilomiles right now, and once affordable light-speed starships are developed, kilomiles would be a perfect unit. Now we want to try and coin it. Except I don't really know how, other than just using it all the time in front of other people. Any suggestions?

Brilliant! Your first step is to make sure that no one has coined the kilomiles word/concept already. A quick Google search (maybe I should change the name of this column to "Chris Googles") turned up nothing resembling what you’re talking about, so you may be in the clear. The problem is, there’s no way to officially coin the word beyond doing what you suggest—using the word a lot in front of other people. Merriam-Webster, the dictionary people, have this to say on the subject. Of course, by using the word a lot, you risk having it claimed by others, who will say it came to them in a dream or while they were watching Star Wars. But that’s just how it goes for people who come up with new words, which are also called “neologisms,” if you wanna sound fancy. The other thing you can do is help bring affordable light-speed starships into existence, then say you only did it so that people would take notice of your new word. It's a lot of work, but worth it.

For the past year, I've been going out with this great guy (we'll call him Fred). He's very nice, very respectful, and cares about me a lot. But the problem is that I'm not supposed to be going out with him because my dad won't let me date yet. I've talked to Fred about this, and we had kept it at friendship level... for about 3 weeks. But now my dad found out that we were going out and is completely upset about it. He thinks Fred is out to treat me badly, and won't change his mind no matter what I say. I want to respect his decision and break up with Fred, but I don't want Fred to be upset with me, and end up finding another girl to go out with. I want to respect my dad's decision without drifting from Fred's heart, and I show my dad that Fred is a good guy. Any advice on how to do this without messing up either relationship?

This might sound ridiculous, but what if you invite Fred over for dinner with you and your dad? No matter what you say to your dad, he’s probably not going to be psyched about Fred unless he personally witnesses how great Fred is. Your dad will see that you respect his opinion, and he'll maybe understand that you care about Fred because you are going to such great lengths to introduce him to the family. You may not win over your dad right away, and of course this does put a lot of pressure on Fred to perform at dinner, but it's worth a shot. If your dad and Fred meet and things go poorly, you may have to break up with Fred (or dis your Dad), but at least you’ll have tried to achieve a happy medium.

Hi Chris I just wanted to ask you something that you might help me understand... You see some time ago I met this guy and he was really nice to me and all, you could even say that he liked to flirt a lot with me but he has a girlfriend so why would he be flirting with other girls? I started thinking, well maybe he doesn't really like his girlfriend but he actually seems to really love her so why in the world was he acting like that with me? It was just weird because he would hug me or put his arm around my shoulders and call me “baby” and when other guys were with me he would pretend to be jealous. I was like okaay. But I never said anything because I figured he just liked to play around like that. So do you have any ideas as to why he would be like that with me?? I'm just really confused.

I do have an idea as to why he would be like this with you. It’s because he’s a player. And you are at risk of getting played. Therefore, I think you should refrain from getting involved with this dude unless you feel like getting hurt. You can do better!

I am having a problem with my boyfriend. For the sake of privacy let's call him Tim. He's been in a really bad mood lately and finally he told me it was because he wants to start smoking. He's 16. He said that he knows he's going to be a smoker someday anyways, so why not start now? I don't know what to do. I love him but I'm a goody goody, I don't agree with underage smoking/drinking. I don't agree with smoking even when it's legal, actually. Tim has goals, he wants to be a chef and I think smoking will ruin this. Tim is healthy and smoking will also ruin that. I've told him my thoughts on all of this and he just says, "The things we do on a daily basis kill us a little bit, smoking isn't any different and when we die, we die." How morbid. Tim asked me if I could still love a smoker and I honestly don't know. I seem to choose guys who are like my dad (who is an addict) and Tim is following suit. If he decides to start smoking I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop him. I'm just so lost. Any advice?

It’s true, the things we do on a daily basis do kill us a little bit, but some things, like smoking, kill us a heck of a lot faster. Because of diseases like lung cancer and emphysema, smoking could easily take 20 years off a person’s life. So if your boyfriend has an extra 20 years to spare and nothing that he really wants to achieve, maybe he should take up smoking. But if he wants to have a career as a chef and live a long life and be able to breathe freely, maybe smoking isn't such a hot idea. One excellent deterrent is the old smokers’ lungs shock tactic. Send him to this website and see how he reacts. And although your boyfriend isn't smoking yet, he may as well have a look at WhyQuit.com. If he does start to smoke, I'd probably reevaluate your relationship, because do you really want to be with someone who intentionally damages their body and disrespects your wishes?

I’m starting 12th grade in September and haven’t yet figured out what career would suit me best. The good thing is, being from Romania, I don’t have to apply to any colleges until next summer after our baccalaureate exam. However, some colleges in the country require certain exams of admission (on top of the baccalaureate) and so it would be great if I could know well in advance what I’d like to pursue. Last year I even took an aptitude test, hoping that it would magically solve this existential crisis (joking), but the only answer I got was that I could pretty much choose anything I wanted. (So helpful, right?) My favorite subject is English. I mean, I’ve loved English ever since kindergarten and I even think in English most of the time, how crazy is that? I also love to read and write (I do both, either in Romanian or English). I’d love a job that wouldn’t imply routine, nor would it require me to live constantly on adrenaline and stress. I wouldn’t want to be a teacher or a translator or anything as boring as that. I’d hate to wake up every morning to do a job that I’d resent. So here’s where you (hopefully) come in: what are my options? Should I try Journalism? What if it turns out I’m not that good a writer?

Although I can’t speak to translating, I can tell you for a fact that teaching is not boring. In fact, it’s probably one of the most stimulating occupations because you are essentially performing, and it’s up to you to hold your students' attention, teach the material, and keep the class in order. Plus you get to exchange ideas with students and make them laugh and help them think about stuff in new ways. So I would definitely put that on your list of options. I’ve spent time as a journalist as well, and I think that’s another solid option. Reporting and investigating are exciting. Writing articles can be a blast, too, but also stressful. There is oftentimes deadline pressure, and you may have to write about subjects that don’t always captivate you. Another option in the same field: editor. You don’t really have the thrill of reporting to keep you motivated, but you do get to put your English skills to excellent use. You could work in the communications department of a company you care about or jump into the advertising industry as a copywriter. (You know Nike’s “Just Do It” tagline? Someone had to write that.) One final option: English professor at a college or university. You’ll have a fresh batch of students every semester and you can teach Romanian classics in translation, such as Dumitru Tsepeneag’s Vain Art of the Fugue. You should also feel free to try out a bunch of careers through internships, apprenticeships, or freelance work, because sometimes you don't know what job you'll love or hate until you try it. From your email, you seem to be quite the capable scribe, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

I have a very complicated conundrum, but you're good at complicated conundrums, so here goes nothing. I am 14 years old and a freshman in high school. This summer, I was in a Shakespeare play and soon became very close to much of the cast. That, along with reconnecting with an old friend and meeting some of her family, has put me in a situation where I have pretty much a whole new group of friends. And they're all older. (As in, ranging from one year older to... well, the oldest is in her late thirties.) Which isn't a problem. They are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. While I am the baby of the bunch, they in no way make me feel inadequate (in the past [and sort of present] I've had issues with people older than me thinking I'm a stupid joke and worthless). They have been the best people to talk to regarding issues in any areas of my life... especially my sexuality—I'm a comfortable lesbian, and they have all been the most supportive people I've met. My parents have met most of them and adore the stuffings out of them and have let me stay out as late as 1:00am if they know that I'll be in good care. The only issue is... well, most of them have issues. I'm going to list some examples. Girl one: ONLY A YEAR older than me; has had phone sex with dudes. On multiple occasions. Girl two: prolly my best friend out of them (3 yrs older), occasionally smokes and has been known to steal traffic cones every once in a while. Dude one: cuts, does drugs. Dude two (he's gay; we connect): smokes, drinks, is clinically depressed and may or may not be seeing a shrink right now. Girl three: sometimes gets a bit, er, frisky when drunk and has made out with her stage husband while her real one was getting pissed that she was out late. And so on. OTHER than these things, these people are incredible. I love them all so much and can't imagine my life without them. Honestly, this makes them sound bad, but they're not. So I have two problems. One is my parents. I'm scared that if word ever gets out about any of these things, they will overreact and immediately forbid me from seeing them again. Keep in mind that none of these activities have been done in my presence, and whenever I hear about them they're always followed by "Hun, NEVER do that. EVER." And so on. I listen, and have never been mildly tempted to engage in any such activity. So... yeah. And the second problem is my my-age friends. Some of them I can still stand, but after hanging out a couple times, I realize how boring and immature and cranky and... stupid, I guess, they seem in comparison. And the fact that a few have been turning on me with my sexuality and stuff, as in like, EW YOU'RE *LIKE THAT*. I don't want to lose them, but I just feel really distanced and have no desire to be around them anymore. So...any help to get me out of my rut would be rather appreciated! And would the perfect sandwich help me?

It sounds like you’re actually not in a rut—rather you’ve broken free of the high school world and you’re now associating with a group of people who have decidedly more adult concerns. And while you say they have issues, I would venture to guess that your your-age friends also have their own issues, albeit of a different variety. As long as you feel safe and happy with your older friends, I see no reason to stop hanging out with them, but I would stay ultra-aware of the various issues and whether they might affect you in any way. Obviously you don’t want to be around when any of these nefarious activities are taking place, so if at any point you feel uncomfortable or like you are being put in a weird situation, you need to speak up immediately. There is also the fact that you are a minor and they are (for the most part) adults, and there can be problems in the eyes of the law if someone feels that you are being put in a dangerous position. However, it seems like you are taking a very mature, sophisticated view on the situation and its potential complications, which is great. I encourage you to maintain your relationships with your older friends, but don't write off your peers—it’s certainly possible to travel in both circles and enjoy each in their own way. For example, your your-age friends will be able to commiserate with you about the difficulty of a math test, which may be a very real concern for you, whereas your older friends may find it trivial. But I’m glad you found a group of supportive people to hang out with. Show them you care by whipping up a batch of tempeh, avocado, and heirloom tomato sandwiches. And don't forget the chipotle mayo. Or the pea shoots. And whatever you do, please don't leave out the gruyère.

Romanians, riddlers, and rising neologists, send your questions to chris@sparknotes.com. Just do it!