Dropping the F: Chris’s Guide to Finding Love With Your BFF

EDITOR'S NOTE: If you missed Chris's first post on falling for your friend, here it is.

So you’ve got the hots for your best friend. It might be love, lust, or passing fancy. Or maybe you’re just tired of crushing on random strangers. Whatever the case, your affection, once a tiny kernel of warmth, is now a full-on conflagration. Your heart is toast. Your brain, cooked.

You’re worried about how things could turn out. This is natural. For one thing, your innards are aflame. But more importantly, you don’t want to destroy your awesome best-friendship, which took a lot of time and effort to build. However, you’re also pretty dang curious. Your BFF-crush journal (you do have one of those, right?) is filled with doodles of “What if??!?!” rendered in increasingly ornate letters. Perhaps most unsettling of all, you’re pondering this question: What would it take to turn this relationship from platonic to supersonic? And if your crush makes the BFFship go bust, will you regret your actions?

Last week, I examined some of the more common BFF-crush situations. Now I'm presenting my guide for how to deal with those situations and hopefully find love (or very strong like, at least) with your BFF. The outcomes are completely unpredictable: You and your bestie might get married, you might decide to stay just friends, or you might never speak to each other again. But one thing’s for sure: You can’t survive in this state of BFF-crush-ness for much longer. Tactics, please:

Tactic 1: Be Open and Honest

If you read Chris Listens, you’ve probably noticed that I’m a huge fan of a little thing called communication. (You know, like talking and stuff.) I’m forever advising people to tell other people how they feel, and this approach certainly applies to BFF crushes. It’s the least complicated strategy by a long shot: You feel a certain way, and so you express that emotion.

Pros of being open and honest:

• You are taking a decisive action.
• You are not prolonging matters unnecessarily.
• You are being mature.
• You are not playing games.
• You are giving your BFF the chance to be totally open and honest with you in return.

Cons of being open and honest:

• It’s often difficult to talk about your feelings, especially since you are dealing with your BFF and you care a lot about what s/he thinks.
• Your forthrightness can catch your BFF off guard.
• You are putting pressure on your BFF to respond in some way.

Tactic 2: Start Flirting

OK, maybe the open and honest approach is a little much for you, but you still want to move things along. This is where you start to drop some subtle hints, known as flirting. Eye contact is where it all begins. If possible, try to get into discussions about relationships in general, then say coy things such as “Oh, life would be so much easier if WE were going out! Ha ha!” There is a fine line between normal BFF affection and outright seduction, and you want to toe that line until it’s obvious to your BFF that you are into him/her.  

Pros of flirting:

• You can say something without actually saying it.
• You can gauge your BFF’s receptivity by analyzing how/if s/he returns your advances.
• Flirting is fun and exciting.

Cons of flirting:

• You might confuse your BFF with your strange new actions.
• You might make your BFF feel weird.

Tactic 3: Make Your BFF Drag It Out of You

You: “I can tell you anything, right?”

Your BFF: “Yes, anything. We’re BFFs!”

You: “I trust you with everything, but this is really huge.”

Your BFF: “You have to tell me. You are obligated by BFF law.”

You: “It’s very important—potentially life-changing—but I’m not sure how to say it.”

Your BFF: “Just say it!!!”

Pros of the drag-out approach:

• You don’t actually have to say it if you freak out at the last minute.
• Your BFF will understand the gravity of the situation and perhaps even think your big secret is much more earth-shattering than, “I like you. I mean I like you like you"—which means s/he will be pleasantly surprised to learn that your terrible secret isn't so terrible after all.

Cons of the drag-out approach:

• It’s rather immature.
• Your BFF might get annoyed and leave before you break the big news.
• You're still springing a surprise on your BFF, and s/he might not react as you hope.

Tactic 4: Wait for Your BFF to Make the First Move

If you’ve got a crush on your best friend, it’s also possible that s/he has a crush on you. Stranger things have happened. So now all you have to do is wait for him/her to bring it up. Hopefully you won’t have to wait too long, though. Maybe s/he is reading this guide right now, trying to determine the best way to go about it.

Pros of waiting:

• You don’t have to say anything at all.
• You’ll probably be rather well prepared for whatever s/he has to say.
• The crush is mutual. Yay!

Cons of waiting:

• You’re being passive and not taking control of your life.
• If s/he doesn’t have a crush on you, you’ll sit around waiting. Forever.

Tactic 5: Keep It to Yourself and See What Happens

When you’re BFFs with someone, you may feel exceptionally close to him or her at certain times, and that closeness may be interpreted as a crush. So if you’re not entirely sure about your emotions, you might want to let them simmer for a while and see how they develop. Your crush—or whatever it is—may pass, and if it does, you’ll probably be glad you didn’t act on it. If it intensifies, you’ll know something has to be done, at which point you can re-read this post from the beginning.

Pros of keeping it to yourself:

• You’ll get to hang out with your feelings for a while, and maybe even understand them.
• You may avoid embarrassing yourself.

Cons of keeping it to yourself:

• You may get stuck in a limbo state between crushing and not crushing.
• You might overanalyze your emotions to the point of insanity.

Special Case: What if my BFF is gay or bi, and I’m not?

In general, the same strategies apply, but keep in mind that your BFF’s reactions might vary drastically. If your BFF has always been into guys and you’re a girl, there’s a pretty small chance he’ll return your crush. But does that mean you should keep your crush to yourself? It’s up to you. Even if nothing romantic happens, you might feel a lot better if you express those feelings. Furthermore, if your BFF doesn’t have similar feelings, saying something might help you get over your crush and still allow you to maintain your magnificent BFFship. There aren't really any strict rules about these tricky situations, so you just need to play it by ear. Or by heart.

You’ve read my methods. Now it’s your turn. Let us know how you tried to find love with your BFF. And don’t forget to tell us the results. And if you've got questions about BFFs or anything else, just write: chris@sparknotes.com.