Auntie SparkNotes: School Isn't Supposed to Hurt

This week's letter is a big ball of educational misery.

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
After graduating my extremely easy middle school, I decided to go to an extremely rigorous private school, where I take all of the toughest classes. I have a partial scholarship, but it's still a big stretch for my parents to pay for my tuition, which they constantly remind me. It's brought up at least once a day how my education is interfering with their life. I appreciate so much what they are doing for me, but I can't deal with the constant guilt trips they are taking me on, when they encouraged me to attend the school in the first place. On top of this, none of my friends support my decision to go to this school, and don't understand why I'm working all the time instead of hanging out with them. Because I have never had challenging classes before, I'm behind all of my new classmates, who are competitive and sometimes quite snobby. The teachers and faculty also seem to think I'm not smart because of how long it's taking me to catch up. I'm about to start my sophomore year, and I don't know if I can do it anymore. I've come a long way since the beginning of ninth grade (academically- I made the Dean's List last quarter), and I really love school, but I feel like I have disapproval pouring in from all sides, which is tough because I'm trying so hard. I sometimes get about two hours of sleep and I work all the time. Am I being overdramatic? How should I deal with my parents? Should I not be in this school? I'm feeling pretty alone. Got any advice?

Unless your preferred way of coping with this angst is to spend your nights weeping alone on a balcony, wearing a silk dressing gown and a bowler hat, and occasionally issuing shrieking threats to commit hari-kari with a letter opener… then no, you’re not being overdramatic. (You’re, uh, not doing that. Are you?) Making the switch from easy-peasy public school to ultra-competitive private school was an ambitious move, but it sounds like you would’ve been up to the challenge if you’d gotten any support—from your family, friends, new classmates, or teachers. Instead, you’re getting torn down from all sides, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed and despondent.

There are two things here that absolutely need to change: Your education should not be detrimental to your health (two hours of sleep? are you kidding?!), and your parents should not be guilting you about it. You can’t do anything about the cost of your tuition (except get a scholarship, which you’ve already done) and your parents are adults. As adults, it’s their responsibility to decide whether or not they can shoulder the cost… and then stop talking about it.

But before we tackle the parental issue, let’s talk about your schoolin’, which needs to be a lot less painful if you’re going to make it to graduation alive. Answer these questions for me:

Would things improve if you reworked your course load? If you’re not sleeping, not excelling, and struggling to catch up, maybe taking “all the toughest classes” isn’t the best idea. Can you ease up by switching out Advanced Theories of Quantum Mechanics for plain old Physics? Challenging yourself is great, but stressing your brain with one relentlessly hard class after another isn’t healthy—for you, or your GPA.

Can you get some support? Your teachers don’t sound too sympathetic, but is there one (or a guidance counselor) who actually gets the huge challenge you’ve taken on? You need somebody on your side. Having an advocate who understands what you’re going through can make a big difference.

And also, friends? The social element isn’t everything, but having friends at school makes a big difference. It’s bad enough that your old pals resent you not being around as much, but if you can’t connect with your new classmates, that’s a special kind of misery.

...And if the answer to all of the above is “No”?

Maybe it is time to think about whether this is the best place for you. You don’t want to quit just because it’s haaard, but another three years of constant work, not-sleeping, and feeling excluded by your classmates doesn’t sound like the greatest plan. Fact is, extremely rigorous private schools aren’t for everyone. Just being smart (which you clearly are) doesn’t make an ultra-competitive and/or exclusive environment the best option. Whether you’d be happier elsewhere depends not only on the above questions, but on the caliber of your public school, the availability of challenging courses, and whether you can build a rich resume based on academics as well as extracurriculars, community service opportunities, and so on. And to figure out what’s best for you, you need to…

Talk to your parents. Yep, we’re finally there. Be upfront: You can start by saying, “I appreciate your paying for my education more than anything, but when you say [insert parental guilt-y statement here], it makes me feel really terrible.” Tell them what you told me: that you love school, but you’re feeling guilty, lonely, isolated, and in over your head.

Together, you should be able to come up with a good solution, whether it’s switching schools, reworking your course load, or...well, you get the idea.

E-mail and let us know how it works out!

Got a question for Auntie SparkNotes? Got some advice for our letter-writer? Comment away, or send email to advice@sparknotes.com.