Enter the Mind of an Insomniac

The new school year leads to a new sleep schedule, and that means insomnia. It takes your body a few days or weeks to get reacquainted with the early morning, and this shock to the system can make it difficult to get to sleep at night.

There are few things worse than the inability to sleep when you want to. While there are many ways you can try to relax, from counting sheep to controlled breathing exercises, the first step is to identify the problem. That is why we delved deep into your sleepless mind and have charted what goes on in your brain when you can't sleep. The more we understand the agony, the better we can treat the problem.

First Hour
This is great. I'll get to bed early, and then tomorrow I won't feel so groggy and sluggish. I'm so wise. Tomorrow will be the best day ever.

Second Hour
Hmm. I can't seem to fall asleep. Maybe my body isn't ready to sleep. I bet my body just needs to relax. I'll just lie here, perfectly still, and let my body relax. This should be no problem. Here we go . . . Starting to relax now. My pillow is really warm. I'm not very attractive. I should work out more. My wrists are too small and my forehead is way too big. Why would anyone want to date me? Never mind that. I need to relax. Take a deep breath. Relax. Relax. Relax. My arm itches.

Third Hour
What was that noise? Is that a cricket? Maybe it's a night bird. Are there night birds? I guess a bat is a night bird. But bats aren't birds. There are birds that can't fly. So there must be birds that are nocturnal too, right? Maybe the birds that we don't think can fly, like penguins, only fly at night, when we can't see them. Wow. It's getting late. OK, enough bird talk. Time for bed! I wonder why Jenn didn't say anything about this weekend.

Fourth Hour
I need a drink of water. That's why I can't fall asleep. My body is dehydrated. So I'll get a drink of water, and maybe a yogurt, and then I'll go to sleep without any problem. I wish my room had a water fountain . . . and a black light and refrigerator. If I had a fridge, I could live in my room. Oh, man. It's really late. I don't think I should eat a yogurt now. My pillow is so freaking warm.

Fifth Hour
Why can't I sleep? Tomorrow is going to be horrible if I can't get to sleep. I'm going to need a Red Bull, obviously. Maybe I should watch TV to help relax. [Puts TV on] There is nothing on TV right now, except infomercials and Roseanne. Is Rosanne always on? I wonder if anyone else is watching Roseanne right now. Maybe I'm the only person on the planet watching this channel. Roseanne is annoying. I like this sandwich maker infomercial. I should get one of these and keep it in my room. I could make pies with it. I could take cherry filling, and put it between bread and make little cherry pies. This isn't helping.

Sixth Hour
If I go to sleep right now, I can get three hours of rest. That should be enough, right? No, that's stupid. I should just stay up. There's no point in even trying to get some sleep. I can stay awake and then catch up on my sleep this weekend. I'll sleep all day on Saturday. I should have eaten that yogurt. I'm hungry. Does the word hungry relate to the country of Hungary? I can hear the kitchen clock ticking all the way from up here. That's weird. My pillow is hot. Why is my pillow always hot? I hate my bed. I hate my room. I want to change my room. My posters suck. I don't even like that band anymore. Did that thumb tack just move?

Seventh Hour
What if I never sleep again? Can you die from that? What is death like? How long does your brain keep working after you technically die? I'm so tired. Why can't I sleep if I'm so tired? I just yawned! My body made me yawn because I'm very tired, and yet I can't sleep. This is hell. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person besides death. Why is that song in my head? I don't even know who sings that song. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Was Matt Damon in Ocean's 11? Did I see Ocean's 11? If I sleep now, I can still get about an hour of rest. And I can sleep during Social Studies. Why am I tapping my fingers against the wall?

Eight Hour
The sun will be up soon. The sun got more sleep than I did. That's it. I'm not getting any sleep tonight. I'll just gulp energy drinks and coffee to get me through the day. I've done it before. This is awful. If I fall asleep right now, I can still get a good thirty-eight minutes of sleep. That might be all I need. I can do this. Sleep! Sleep, you moron! I want a yogurt so bad. I'm getting up. I'm getting up and I'm going to get a shower and start the morning. There's nothing I can do. Maybe I can sleep on the way to school. So if I sleep right now, and then sleep on the way to school, that would be, like, almost an hour of sleep. Then I can zone out during Social Studies, and that will be like another hour of sleep. So it won't be that bad. Why is my throat sore? My alarm clock is about to go off in three, two, one…It didn't go off. My countdown was…oops. It just went off. Time to get up.

Pretty scary stuff, huh? How do you handle restless nights? Do you have any secret tips or tactics to fall asleep?

Related Post: When Do You Go to Bed?