September Horoscopes

Your wish is our command. A few weeks ago we asked what you, the loyal readers wanted to see on SparkLife, and you recommended we look to the stars and write horoscopes. Using our supernatural psychic powers we were able to predict your life during the month of September. Read, enjoy, and remember that these are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will not find true love this month. But you will put your sock on wrong, with the ankle section bunching uncomfortably at the top of your foot. You will try to fix this without taking your sock off, but all you will accomplish is to twist the sock even more. Finally you will give up and wear flip-flops. Your best friend will not notice your new haircut, and you will reconsider their "best friend" status. Stay away from trees. Your lucky number is 81.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Avoid eating orange food. Wear hats, not hoods or bonnets. Your decision to do the wrong thing will come back to haunt you . . . in the form of an evil pirate ghost. If you're thinking about ending a relationship, do it now. Right now. We'll wait. You should seriously think about buying a turtle. Now is the time! During this month, all numbers will be unlucky. Stick with letters and symbols.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Eat only orange food. If you're going to dig a hole, be careful: It will be more difficult than you assume. Lie about your feelings regarding the movie Titanic. Don't let anyone squash your dreams, unless your dreams are about talking crows. Your one true love will have a birthmark in the shape of a brown dot on his or her arm. You will be a strong leader this month--if you call everyone "Bub" or "Tiger." Go to Scotland twice. Your lucky number is not 53.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don't walk up escalators as if your time is precious and you can't be bothered to wait like everyone else. Enjoy the ride, but don't touch the handle because it's sticky in a bad way. Your love of waffles will be more important than you realize. Using words that rhyme with "bat" and "red" will lead to true love. Using words that rhyme with "mind" and "bridge" will lead to true hate. Your lucky number is between 13 and 15. (But it's not 14. Think of fractions.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Love is in the air. The 93rd person that you see will be your soul mate. However, the 94th person that you see will want to hurt your pets. (So keep an accurate count.) At all cost, avoid looking at your shoulders during this month. Don't be afraid to try new things. Be afraid of trying old things, such as top hats and those bicycles with the giant front wheel. Money will ruin a friendship. Water will ruin a basement and a friendship. Your lucky number is much less than you think it is.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Do not read this horoscope. Bad, horrible things will happen if you continue reading this. We are not joking. Stop it. Stop it right this instant. You are going to be very sorry if you continue to read this horoscope and you will have no one to blame but yourself. You're still reading this, aren’t you? Be honest. We can tell when you're lying. Well, we hope you're happy. When something bad happens this month, you will know why. Your lucky number is 5 . . . sort of.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
When someone named Tim or Jen says something, listen up. His/her words will lead you to success and possibly a sandwich. While riding the bus, you will get sleepy and rest your head against the cool glass window. But the very moment that you fall asleep on the bus, a stranger will…well, we don't want to ruin the surprise. You will park in section H of a parking lot. Your lucky number is greater than the times you've been stung by a bee, but less than the times you said "Rice pudding."

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
When working with others, speak in a British accent to seem better than everyone else. (If the others in your group are from The United Kingdom, speak with a Portuguese accent, obviously.) You will find good fortune if you take tiny, baby steps wherever you walk, trying hard not to raise your knees at all. You will kiss someone without knowing their middle name. Stay off the main roads, you fool. The enemy will spot you! Your lucky number is higher or lower than 12.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of the space bar. If you see someone wearing gigantic headphones do not invite them to your party, as these people will often bore everyone else and smell like sweat. They will also steal your Donnie Darko DVD, and when you confront them about this, they will act like it was some sort of joke. Keep an eye out for owls; they will bring you good luck and dead mice. You will find love at a restaurant that serves rice pilaf. Your lucky number is a prime number (just kidding).

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This will be the best month of your life . . . until something horrible happens to your legs. You will meet someone new, but don't get too attached because this person will be moving to Allentown, PA next month and you will never hear from them again. The phrase, "That's one scary comb" will be of the utmost importance. Your lucky number never sponsored an episode of Sesame Street.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Relax. You're stressing out over nothing. No one saw what you did, and even if they did, it's not like you're the first person in the history of the world to do that. A haircut will either ruin your life or make your life perfect. Say the word, "Donk" as much as possible. (This won't improve your luck, but we're trying to make that word popular.) The hole-punch is not a toy. Your lucky number can be rounded up to 100 . . . if you're a cheater.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
Start a new project. Then, when you feel that this first project is "stupid," start a second project. It's a good month for travel, but only venture north or east. Do not trust the bank's clock or thermometer reading. (In reality, it's much later and warmer than what the screen is flashing.) Be forgiving of girls who snort when they laugh. Be wary of guys who giggle when they sneeze. Your lucky number is Pi plus a little bit extra. (Good luck playing that in the lottery.)

Would you like to see this again next month?