Dog Movies You'll Sit and Stay For

Sparkler chocoflakken has a bone to pick (hardy har) with dog movies, and offers some really hilarious and creative alternatives! Enjoy! —SparkNotes Editors

Has anyone else noticed the horribly clichéd dog movies that have been made over the years?  If you've been lucky enough to miss them, here's the basic plot line:

• Mostly happy family acquires new dog.

• Kids love the dog, though the parents are doubtful/don't know about it

yet.

• Dog has amazing attributes, like the ability to play basketball, save a child's life, write scientific reports, make petit fours, etc.

• Some bumbling buffoons want the awesome dog for a very badly-explained reason. Usually, the lead bad guy is short and bad-tempered, while his sidekick is taller and dumber, but made to do all the hardest things. They almost always have these awesome black winter hats, even in summer.  And they operate from a small truck. It's a given.

• Dog gets kidnapped. No, dognapped. Silly me, kidnap is the term for taking off with someone's beloved newborn goat.

• The kid goes to look for his canine, but this is unnecessary. Apparently said animal can also pick locks, thus escaping AND foiling the bad guys' entire scheme.

• Bad guys get sent to prison.

• Family puts behind them any minor issues, and the parents tearfully hug their child and the dog.

Guarantees:

• Jokes are not funny.
• Dog isn't that cute.
• Actor who plays lead role (not the dog--its owner) is in his/her awkward stage.

I have been hoping for a truly inspired dog movie (or one about any animal, I'm not fussy), one that will leave theater audiences speechless and touched, a novel movie that will forever change the film industry. Apparently, the studios have missed my memo, so for your enjoyment, my movie ideas starring man's best friend:

1. No Animals Were Harmed During the Making of this Film

Literally. There will be no animals in this movie. Instead, the entire movie will be as if viewers are the dog, seeing the world through its eyes. Wittingly narrated by a sarcastic young dog, it comments on society and strange human behaviors.

2. Hairy Panter

Come on. You all know it would be awesome. We're still working out how a dog will hold a wand, but we've ordered huge supplies of duct tape, pickles and honey.  Hermione will be a cat in tribute to her mistake in "Chamber of Secrets," while Ron Weasley will be played by a lemur, naturally.

3.  More romantic comedies starring dogs!

This genre is full of untapped potential! I, for one, am yearning to see awkward first dates at the dog run and the hilarious situations cheating dog boyfriends are constantly putting themselves into.

4.  Windowsill

Here's how it would be reviewed: "A beautiful film named for the only thing the writer could think of when coming up with a title, though it has absolutely nothing to do with the plot or themes, but it sounds profound and meaningful enough to suffice.

Windowsill accurately portrays the issues a small-town mutt with big dreams faces when she becomes unexpectedly pregnant before college.  Breathtaking scenery, an unbelievable score, familiar faces, and a heartwarming story light up the screen in this masterpiece."

5.  Charlie

A switcheroo in which benign yet foolish dogs are the top of the food chain on Earth, while humans such as our hero Charlie deal with the day-to-day problems of being a household pet.

6.  The Adventures of Sparky in War-torn Europe

Sparky is brave when his family and friends die violently around him during
WWII. Children will learn independence by watching Sparks' (as his now dead friends used to call him) lonesome, anguished travels around Europe.  A wonderful family film you will want to see again and again.

LOL. We love that post. Anyway, if youuuu wanna be the next chocoflakken, email contribute@sparknotes.com with your nickname and submission for consideration!