Auntie SparkNotes: We've Got a Stage 5 Clinger!

This week's letter-writer has a too-friendly friend.

Ok, so when i was in year 7 (i have absolutely no clue which 'grade' that is in America but i think you're about 11?) i went into secondary school. Knowing nearly no one, and being eager to make friends i quickly made friends with the very normal at this point, girl who sat next to me (alphabetical order). So, she pretty much became my best friend and in year 8 she started making jokes being like obsessed with me (as in she'd be like i want to be you (to me) etc etc.) and it was funny (obviously i cant see how now, but at the time everyone laughed). Because of this she continued the weird act to be funny.

So know its gonna be year 11 and I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

whoa sorry, i just cant.

Now instead of cute once in a while jokes. ITS PAINFUL-OBSESSION EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.

She buys me stuff shes already got so we'll have the same stuff.
She screams when i walk into the room.
She has lost all idea of personal space and hugs my stomach (i mean, i like hugs, just not my stomach.) .

And the most annoying, if we all go out as a group of friends, she insists i sit in the space she kindly saved for me. At the end of the table so i cannot talk to anyone except her.

Anyway, i tell her it bugs me, i tell her to be her own person blah blah blah. And when i asked her why, she responded 'Because it annoys you, so its funny for me'.

Im a shy person, i cant take confrontation, im usually quite patient but after FOUR years of it (We still mostly have to sit in alphabetical order) I cant take it anymore.

So, how do i get her to back off without upsetting her?

Sorry for the long speech but i thought you'd need the backstory. :)
Please help, I feel like ive tried everything.

Well, have you tried moving to Antarctica?
Have you tried hiring a trained attack cat?
Have you tried coating your entire body in Vaseline, so that when Clingy McClingerson goes to hug you, she just slips right off?

No?

Well then, I guess you haven’t really tried everything, now, HAVE YOU.

Just kidding, you poor girl. Juuuust kidding. Auntie SparkNotes is only trying to bring some levity to a situation that sounds an awful lot like the plot of Single White Female, which is a terrifying movie that I actually would not recommend watching considering your current situation. You’re right, this girl needs to step off. Immediately.

The level of clinging that’s going on here is a bit alarming – not buy-an-attack-cat, enter-witness-protection alarming, but it is weird enough that I hope you’ve told your parents what’s happening. (If not, please do. Having an adult to be your ally in a situation like this, just in case things escalate, is always a good idea.)

Now, the bad news: You cannot get Clingy to back off without upsetting her. This is not your fault—most people have an internal crazy-gauge that says things like, “Stop screaming!” or “Do not hug that stomach!,” but this girl is so insecure that she no longer sees her behavior for the weird and irrational nuttery that it is. When you tell her she has to stop, she isn’t going to be happy, but that doesn’t mean what she’s doing is okay.

So take a deep breath, sit down with your friend in private, and tell her what’s up. Be forceful. Don’t try to be nice or tell her to be her own person; tell her that what she’s doing is not OK, and it needs to stop immediately. If she tells you it’s “funny” to her, say it’s not funny to you, and you won’t tolerate it anymore.

And then, back it up. If she buys you matching outfits, decline politely but firmly. If she tries to hug you when you don’t want her to, ask her to stop. If she persists, get up and move to another part of the room. If you don’t want to sit next to her, decline politely but firmly and take another seat. (You might want to get your other friends to help you out with this one.)

Things might be tense for a few weeks while your friend adjusts to the new situation, but it’s important that you tough it out. Not only so you can finish out your secondary education in peace, but also because it’s good practice in setting boundaries and sticking up for yourself.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

Do you have a question for Auntie SparkNotes? Leave it in the comments, or email her at advice@sparknotes.com.