This time last week I was kicking it in the wilderness, fielding your queries amid gentle mountain breezes and thrumming forest insects. Now it’s back to business as usual in my semi-dark blog cave, with the air conditioner rattling at full blast, car alarms whining in the distance, my guitar keeping me company, and a half-dead plant on top of my desk as the only sign of natural growth. Reality has sunk its claws into me once again, as I imagine it has done to many Sparklers who have either returned to school or are about to—and waaay sooner than they’d like.
So what’s a Sparkler to do? Flee? Cry? Laugh maniacally (which, when done on a computer, looks like LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL?) I think all of the above are acceptable reactions to the end of summer. As for myself, I’m going to keep a low profile until this nasty weather breaks and tune my listening device to a special frequency to help you handle the horrors of heading back into the classroom.
Okay, so my cousin (who is thirtysomething and travels for her job) is going to live in Paris, France (there's a Paris in Texas!) for a year and she has invited me to stay a week with her the summer before I run off to college, which would be next summer. There are a few problems that are standing in the way. 1. My dad. I love my dad but in the past he has been very adamant that I would not be allowed to travel (and by “travel,” he means fly) unless it was with him, my stepmom, my stepsister, or said cousin, who will already be in Paris. I understand where his concerns are coming from, but I would absolutely love to go. It would be a fantasmic dream come true. 2. My parents/myself. Both of them would love for me to go but they also think I don't have very much common sense (I really am a bookish person). They don't think that I would be able to handle the flight (and deep down I don't know if I can either, although I'd never admit this to them). I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to ask the teacher for help because if I don't get it, I feel like I messed up somewhere and I don't want to sound stupid. Another thing is, I am chronically shy. I've been trying so hard to work on this and I have made a little progress. When I was little, I used to make my little sister ask questions in stores for me. I hate bothering other people. I feel bad going into the counselors’ office once a month to ask questions even though I know that other people are in there all the time and that answering our questions is their job. The other day I spent the night at a friend’s house and she was asleep and I was awake (it was 10 in the morning). I had to go to the bathroom but she was sleeping on the outside and if either one of us moved, you were sure to disturb the other person. I laid there for 20(!) minutes arguing with myself about whether or not I should get up and run the risk of bothering her... I need a job really bad so that I can pay for this trip. I absolutely hate going in and asking for applications at places. I feel so stupid. I think also I might be a bit of a people-pleaser. I remember my sophomore year of high school wanting to quit basketball but I ended up playing that year because I couldn't bring myself to talk to the coaches about it. Every time I tried I ended up talking about something else and I spent my year being miserable. I also know I need to mature and help out around the house more and just be more responsible. I need some serious advice. Please, how can I convince my parents to let me go and get over myself enough to go and enjoy this wonderful opportunity?
First of all, let me say that we are quite similar, and I totally feel for you. I am also relatively shy and bookish and reluctant to disturb sleepers despite a vicious need to pee. One thing you need to keep in mind is that shyness is a natural thing. Some people are simply more introverted than others, and that's just the way it goes—you may not be able to do much to change that tendency. The other thing to remember is that you will probably lose some of these inhibitions as you get older. It takes time, and you need to be patient and try not to freak out about it too much. In the meantime, while you are waiting for the shyness to dissipate, it sounds like you need a quick way to boost your self-confidence, so I think you should focus on doing things instead of thinking about why you are not doing them or how you've done things wrong. So here’s what I want you to do. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish, as well as all the smaller steps required to accomplish those things. Going to Paris is at the top of the list. And each day, put a bunch of energy into tackling one smaller step. So one step for Paris will be getting job applications. Another step will be filling them out. Another will be talking to your parents. Another will be reading up on what happens during a transatlantic flight. When one small step becomes easy, take two smaller steps, and so on, until you turn into a machine of minor accomplishments. Think of each step as something that stands between you and the thing you want to achieve, and remember that, for the most part, tackling these obstacles will have little impact on anyone else. In fact, people may be highly willing to help you accomplish your goals, which will make things even easier. But you need to take those first steps to show that you really want to achieve those goals. I am confident that you can handle everything related to going to Paris, including raising the funds to make it happen. So get cracking on that list and bon voyage!
I am about to be a sophomore in high school and I'm an avid band "enthusiast." I'm in my school's marching band, concert and symphonic band, pep band, pit orchestra, and winter drumline. I participate in solo and ensemble contests on a regional and state level, and I'm pursuing some honor bands this winter. I plan on going to college for a degree in music education so that I can be a band director someday. Band is essentially my life, which is essentially the problem. I'm concerned that when I apply for college in a few years, I'll be rejected for not being "well rounded" in other areas of school. I'm in 4-H, I hold an office in my school's Key Club, have a 4.0 and I'm taking college-prep courses but I fear that it isn't enough, and that I'm backing myself into a corner and losing scholarship opportunities by being so focused on music. I would like to take up another activity this year that isn't band-related, but I'm not sure what to do, whether or not I'll have time on top of everything that I already do, or if I'm just worrying too much and it's not worth it to take up another activity. I LOVE band and everything about it, and I'd hate to give up anything that I'm already doing because it's so fun and worthwhile. Do you think I'm not acting in my best interests by being so concentrated on band?
I think you’re doing spectacularly well already, and I recommend not taking on anything else at this point. If I were a college, I would be pretty psyched about you because you are a standout performer in one area (band), but you are also academically accomplished. Piling on more activities might have an adverse effect on your music, and I think you should stay on top of your game if that’s what you’re truly committed to. In addition to well-roundedness, colleges also like to see dedication and perseverance, and your willingness to relentlessly pursue brilliance in band could be your ticket to a sweet music scholarship.
My friend is starting to go into childhood depression. In class, she just sits there, shutting herself off from the rest of the world and looking really sad. Her grades are slipping and that also makes her sad. I tried to give her some advice, telling her that we have to make our own happiness in this life and that being all dark and gloomy isn't going to fix anything. I tried to sound as nice as possible. What should I say to her to get her out of depression?
I’m glad you’re concerned about your friend, but it's not your responsibility to diagnose her with depression—only a professional can do that. If you think she is displaying symptoms of depression, you should talk to her about them and ask her how she feels instead of going straight for the life-doesn't-have-to-be-so-sad advice. If she is depressed, there’s nothing you can say to get her out of it, but you can support her by listening, and by helping her reach out to a counselor or therapist. She might be going through a temporary rough patch, or she might be clinically depressed. But either way, let her share her feelings with you so you can get a fuller understanding of what has caused this change in her personality. At that point, you'll have a better idea of what next step makes the most sense.
I go to an all-girls Catholic high school. Most of my friends from my coed middle school went to a coed private school. And I always hear about how they have boyfriends and guy friends, blah blah blah, and the cute guy that sits in front of them, blah blah. It’s not like I don’t try to make friends with the fellow all-boys school that my school does dances and activities with. It’s just that all the guys I have met were either extremely horny and perverted or are really nice and have girlfriends or too busy or whatever. And now junior year is approaching and there’s prom. Crap. And homecoming. Crap. And many other datey dances. My other friends are like me but they have so many activities going on they really don’t have time for boyfriends or even guyfriends. Like they are really sport-oriented. So I tried to also become super busy so I took dance. So now I’m super busy too. Basically I feel like my high school years are going by and they aren’t as fun and hyped up as I expected them to be. No boyfriends, no guyfriends, no crazy parties. Just a whole lot of homework and work and dance. That quote “These years are going to be the best years of your life” kinda haunts me. Like really? If that’s true my life is gonna suck. Soooo my question is: Is this what high school is seriously like or am I just not living the life high school is supposed to be?
In my experience, yes, this is what high school is seriously like. However, I’m pretty sure high school will not be the best years of your life. It’s a period of time that people merely hope to endure and then leave behind with a great sense of relief upon entering college. (Some people will say that their college days were the best years of their life, which is probably closer to the truth, but I’d like to think that life just keeps getting better.) So I think your reaction to high school is perfectly normal, and I would wager that a lot of other high schoolers feel that way, too. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to have a grand old time. Hit the books, work on your dance skills, and instead of thinking about what high school should be like, deal with how it is. By living in the moment, you'll be able to pounce on the opportunities for fun as soon as they arise.
I know you've probably heard this countless times, but I'm confused. And scared. But mostly confused. I haven't met or even heard of a person in my situation. I'm not entirely sure how to approach this, so I'm just going to jump into it. My mother is ill. She's in kidney failure, with Polycystic Kidney Disease, or PKD. We've been trying to find someone with the same blood type to get tested (to donate a kidney), but none of her family is compatible. Every time we find someone that DOES have the correct blood type, they get scared and won't follow through. She's currently on dialysis, using an arm fistula (they connected a couple of the veins in her arms and use it to clean her blood). The nurses hurt her arm all of the time; she comes home with her arm swollen and black and bandages covering it. It’s terrifying and repulsing and I don't know what to think or feel about it. My family expects me to be their rock, to keep them all together. But they forget that I'm only 16, that I'm just as scared as they are. I have the same disease. Once I hit 40 — poof! — I'm going to have to be on dialysis, getting my arm stabbed every day, fighting for my life. I'm entirely and utterly freaked out — I'm watching my future unfold every day. I feel like there's a clock ticking down, following me around. I can't talk to my mom about my fears because if I bring it up she cries and says that she's sorry she gave me the disease. I don't want to make her feel bad about it. But I’m not entirely sure WHAT I'm supposed to be feeling here. I'm a tough military brat, but I’m also a scared 16-year-old girl. I'm not battling brain-crazed zombies or Death Eaters here. I'm fighting something that I can't see. I guess what I’m really asking for is... can you help me?
I am very sorry to hear about your mom’s condition. You seem to be handling this difficult situation in a very mature way, and I commend you for that. When it comes to being scared and freaked out, I don’t think there is an easy solution, because those are very normal feelings to have about this sort of thing. Frankly I would be concerned if you weren’t scared or freaked, especially since you have the disease as well. What you can do, though, is share your emotions with other people, just like you did with me. While you may be the family’s rock, you don’t have to be a silent stone—let people know how you are feeling. It will probably make you feel better and take some of the pressure off. I would talk to close friends and family members about it, and maybe even seek out a counselor or therapist if want a professional listener. As far as your own PKD is concerned, you have to keep a positive outlook—there’s no guarantee that you’ll be on dialysis the moment you turn 40, as there are a lot of medical advancements that can happen in 24 years. Perhaps another treatment method will be discovered, or you’ll have a kidney transplant that will cure the disease completely. No matter what happens, you should keep doing all the things you want to do, as your health permits. I also think that you should try to talk to your mom a little more. There will still be crying and apologizing, of course, but hopefully in time you'll be able to move past that and have serious, heartfelt discussions about how your mom is feeling, and about what PKD means to your life.
There's this guy (his name can be... Bob) that I really like, and his family is good friends with my family. He's two years younger than me. With most guys this would be a major issue, but he's incredibly mature for his age, and I'm quite good friends with him. When I saw him the other weekend at our friend’s house, we had a really fun time. We started playing truth or dare (good old truth or dare...) and we ended up kissing. He's such a sweet guy, and I don't know what to do! I've liked him previously, for a brief amount of time, but since the weekend I just can't stop thinking about him! I don’t want to sound really silly, but I really felt something when I kissed him, even if it was for a dare. What should I do?! I really want to go out with him, but I just feel that if I did ask him out it would be weird because our parents would talk about it, and there would be some pressure to make the relationship go well. And also, if we split up, it would be really awkward. I think he may have liked me a while ago, because when we were watching a scary movie I snuggled up to him at a really scary part, and he told his mates all about that. But I'm not sure if he does like me! I'm normally a confident person but I get quite shy with guys that I like, and I don’t want to be rejected by him if he doesn’t feel the same way... I feel that if I ask him to go out to the cinema with me, he would think that I liked him and wanted to go out with him, and reject me. Telling him how I feel would be extremely difficult for me, because it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable going out of my comfort zone like that. How can I subtly tell him that I like him without me feeling awkward, or find out if he likes me without giving how I feel away? Should I ask him out, or wait him to ask me? Should I "play hard to get" (which I think is a stupid idea) or should I be really interested? Please help me!
When it comes to relationships, I’m all about openness, honesty, and avoiding games/strategy as much as possible. I wouldn’t try to pre-judge how Bob will react to your affection and then tailor your delivery of that affection to avoid scaring him away, and I wouldn’t try to play hard to get in order to force him to make the first move. Nor do I recommend laying out all your feelings at once and saying, “Well, Bob, whaddya think?” Instead, spend a little more time with Bob and see what happens. Act on however you are feeling at the moment and try not to have a major plan about everything. Love should not be orchestrated. Maybe you'll come to like Bob even more, which will make it easier to tell him. Or maybe your feelings will subside. Or maybe Bob will take the initiative if he feels the moment is right. There’s no need to go outside of your comfort zone, but do try to interact with him more and see what kind of signals he gives you, if any. I wouldn’t worry too much about your families at this point. There might be some pressure for the relationship to succeed, but if something does come out of this, you and Bob can discuss the potential implications at that point. Until then, play it cool and see what happens.
If someone gets to ask you how Swiss cheese forms, I can ask you to solve my ridiculous problem. Here goes: Every morning, my cell phone's alarm wakes me up around 6am. And every morning is a total drama, because from around 4am I DREAM that my alarm is ringing. I attack my phone at least six, seven times a morning. When the alarm actually goes off, I'm still so disoriented that I hit the button, think "Ah ha! It's just a dream!" and go to sleep again. Half the time, when I hear that damn ringtone, I'm too sleepy to realize that it comes from my cell phone. I hit my radio, my bed lamp, my charger, my wall, my spaniel (I'm serious. I gave my dog a speech on not impersonating my phone). It's INSANE!
While I’m not sure how to prevent you from dreaming about the alarm going off, I can offer a solution for how to make sure you notice the real alarm at 6am. Keep your cell phone next to your bed and set the alarm for 6am, just as you have been doing. Then set another much louder and more annoying alarm for 6am, but put it across the room so that you need to get out of bed to turn it off. The fiercer alarm will cut through your haze of slumber more effectively, and you’ll have to rise and move your sleepy bones, giving you a head start on waking up. The only other option is to train your spaniel to impersonate an alarm clock and jump on your face at 6am.
Worried about school? Cheese mysteries keeping you up at night? Shoot your questions to chris@sparknotes.com.
Topics: Advice
Tags: chris listens
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