Water Ballooning 101

The only way to beat the August heat while giving in to your violent tendencies is with a good old-fashioned water balloon fight. And lucky for you, SparkNotes has mastered the art of water balloon warfare. Here's how to triumph over your enemies:

Come prepared. Forget about those silly water balloon sling shots. They're just glorified rubber bands, and to work properly, they require three people. Making alliances in the heat of battle requires too much negation and diplomacy. Instead, be the lone wolf while saving your delicate arm muscles by using this Balloon Bazooka. Stupid? Yes. Pricey? Yep. Dangerous? Probably. But using compressed air to launch water-filled latex balloons is what separates us from the animals. Yay humanity!

Hide. After someone yells, "Water balloon fight!" the battle will last a mere seven minutes. (Eight, if running through the house is off limits). Because there are only a finite number of balloons, grab one or two, run as fast as you can to a predetermined hiding spot far away from the war zone, and wait. Slow your heart rate and breathing for guaranteed concealment.

When everyone assumes the battle is over, and they're all laughing and talking about who got hit the worst, charge at them all with your saved balloons. For added impact, yell, "For the revolution!" You can call this The God Maneuver, but everyone else will call it the "Hey! No Fair" Strategy. After the attack, run back to your hiding spot until everything blows over. This may take a few hours, so bring snacks and a magazine.

Pretend you don't care. Water balloon victims are chosen by their reaction to getting wet. This is why ducks are rarely hit with water balloons. If you scream, "No! I'm not kidding. Don't hit me. Come on, guys! Don't," you will get wet. Whereas if you casually say, "Eh. I don't care. Gotta get wet sometime, man," your attackers will not want to waste a precious balloon on you. (Warning: During water wars, sleeping does not count as apathy. Instead of stopping an attack, it may encourage one.)

Fake them out. If you run out of ammo, pretend you still one water balloon by hiding your hand behind your back and smiling slyly. (If you don't know how to make a sly smile, make a Machiavellian smile instead.)

Use Grandma as a human shield. She might bark at you for acting so "full of beans," but the protection she offers is worth a scolding.

Use a warm water balloon. Keep your balloons in direct sunlight so that their water temperature rises. Getting hit with a cold water balloon is fun and refreshing. Getting slammed with lukewarm water is icky and feels like pee. Your enemies will fear you.

Remember that time outs are for losers. If you need a break from the action, don't call a time out unless you enjoy being viewed as weak and whiny. Instead, use a police riot shield to catch your breath and rest. You will remain dry while your opponents continue to respect you as a warrior.