Earlier this summer, SparkLife gave you a brief-but-comprehensive lowdown on the vagaries of summer love—from getting to know each other to getting, in the immortal words of Danny Zuko, “friendly, down in the sand.” Later, we hinted that summer romance doesn't always lead to lifelong bliss. Now, as we near the middle of August, it’s time for us to lay it out with brutal honesty: Whether you’ve been sweating your way through a beach romance, snogging your fellow Dairy Queen shift-worker, or taking illicit nature walks with a summer-camp SO, your summer fling is doomed.
You heard it here: except in rare cases, the dissolution of a summer love is pretty much inevitable... and frankly, it’s better that way. (If you don’t believe us, take a minute to think about that kid from your class—there's always one—who spends all year moaning about how much he misses his sweetie-bear from Camp Whump-a-thump. Ugh.) And while you might be tempted by silly things like maturity and decency to let the breakup happen with a soft touch and some heartfelt words, your SparkNotes editors want to remind you that there’s another way to do it—via these useful, original, totally killer breakup lines that will end your fling with the swift efficiency of a roundhouse kick to the face!
So when you sit down to have The Talk with your summ-ah lov-ah, consider forgoing the heart-to-heart feelings fest and just saying…
It’s not me, it’s you.
It’s not you, it’s your mom.
I just can't stand your stench anymore.
I had a long conversation with my dog last night, and he just doesn’t think you’re good for me.
We’re astrologically incompatible: I’m a Pisces, and you’re a Feces.
I think you need a girl/boyfriend who has more in common with you… like back hair and B.O.
Our relationship is distracting me from my lifetime goal of growing a second, evil head.
I’m saving myself for a 1,000 year-old sparkly vampire.
I just don’t like the hang of your pants.
You remind me of Humphrey Bogart… no, I mean after he died.
My parents won’t let me date wildebeests. YES YOU ARE.
Note: Effectiveness of above lines has not been tested on actual summer flings.
Warning: Above lines may result in epic beatdowns courtesy of your now-ex.
Supplement to warning: Especially the wildebeest one.
Are you facing down the end of your summer romance? Got a line to share with the class? Tell us in the comments!