Auntie SparkNotes Hopes You Washed Your Hands After That Thing with the Shar Pei

This week, Auntie SparkNotes fields a question from an aspiring veterinarian with a grumpy mum.

My mom is on the warpath because I just broke the news to her that I want to study to be a vet. We live near Cape Town, meaning that the University of Cape Town is almost next door. In South Africa, veterinary science can only be studied at the University of Pretoria (nearly 1800km away).

She is now trying to convince me that I would not enjoy being a vet. I told her that I had spent the past year job shadowing at the local practice every Friday, and loved it. She then told me that I was getting carried away and had a romantic impression of the career. I told her it that I had everything but a romantic impression: I've had pus sprayed all over me, horses kick me and had to treat a Shar Pei with an earwax problem.

Today she told me that 30% of all vet students drop out with no degree to show for years of study, and that that could easily happen to me. I then completely flipped out and accused her of thinking of me as in the bottom 30% of my class. I feel that I had the right to be angry because I worked extremely hard last term to get into the Top 20.

Anyway, I'm getting tired of her constantly putting me down. I WANT to go study in Pretoria!! Yes, it is a risk—it adds up to a seven year long course, and many do drop out, but I'm sure I can do it. I'm guessing that my mom is freaked out by me leaving home so soon. What should I do? Promise to write?

Mooiloop!
(That's Afrikaans for go well)

Flopwaffle!

(That’s Auntish for “My dear girl, that is a highly unpleasant situation, and you have my utmost sympathies.” Saves a lot of time!)

Now that we've got our salutations out of the way, let me be the first to say congratulations on your career plans—and more congrats for taking the initiative to learn about what working with animals is really like! I’m seriously impressed with your maturity and responsibility, and between the kicking, the Shar Pei, and the pus (ewwwww), I think your view of the veterinary profession is about as realistic as it can get. It’s too bad that your mom is reacting so unsupportively to what sounds like a well-informed decision on your part.

I can’t say for sure what’s got a bee in your mum’s bonnet, but you're probably on the right track—she’s getting panicked over your imminent jump from the nest, and out comes the warpaint. Pending departures are classic fodder for parental freakouts, and the fact that she keeps changing tactics makes it pretty clear that this is about her, not you. But as much as you’d probably like to respond to her next attempt at derailing you by dumping a bucket of Shar Pei earwax over her head, you’ll need to hang onto your patience just a bit longer so that the two of you can reach some sort of understanding. It's on you to be rational, stay calm, and guide the conversation to a happy conclusion. (Read: No flipping out, even if she says something insulting.)

Once you’ve cooled off enough to talk without getting upset, sit down with your mom and tell her that you appreciate her concerns, but this is what you want to do with your life. Emphasize the research and work that went into your decision, and offer to discuss it with her. Be calm, clear, and firm: You would like her support, but you’re an adult, and you’ve made your choice. It’s also going to be up to you to judge whether you should tiptoe around the distance issue (“Is there something you haven’t mentioned that’s bothering you?") or just go for it (“I know Pretoria is far away, but I promise to [email/call/have weekly videoconferences] so that we can stay in touch.")

Give your mom a little time to come around; it’s probably hard for her to see you growing up and moving out, especially if you’re the first (or only) of her kids to go away to school. But with a little time, she should come to see your independence, maturity, and ambition as something to celebrate—after all, she raised you!

Good luck!

Got a question for Auntie SparkNotes? Leave it in the comments, or email her at advice@sparknotes.com.