Five Things That Annoy Lifeguards

Lifeguard Sparkler keepswimminfhs says writing this post was like free therapy. Enjoy! —SparkNotes

As summer heads into its last throes of sunshine, late nights, and bonfires, you may still be wondering how to catch the eye of the cutie on the lifeguard chair (just a hint: pretending to drown is not the way to go). As a lifeguard at a popular community pool, I may not be qualified to dole out love advice, but after a couple of years, I think I’ve discovered exactly what not to do to if you want to impress your local lifeguard.

Five Things That Seriously Annoy Lifeguards:

1. Splashing. Keep the water inside of the pool. While water balloon fights and hose wars may make a great date, it’s probably not the best way to make a first impression. Also, please try to keep your younger siblings under control. The next time a little kid turns his aqua blaster my way, he just might end up being clobbered by a guard tube.

2. Playing dumb. While it’s bad enough that I have to yell at someone for breaking an obvious rule, I just love it when that kid turns around and innocently points at themselves, while simultaneously opening their mouth in surprise. I swear that some of these little fakers instantly put on doe eyes to make themselves as appealingly naïve as possible. It gets even better when they continue running at a breakneck speed toward the slides while accomplishing the look above.

3. Forgoing sunblock. I am very happy to inform you that I have never gotten burnt on the job. That’s because I use something called sunscreen *insert oohs and ahs.* While tossing the bottle your mom packed somewhere on the grass may be something that “cool” people do, writhing in agony in bed that night and dealing with flaky skin for a week after that is not exactly the epitome of hotness. Try hitting your local drugstore and bypassing the tanning oil. Done right, self-tanner works wonders.

4. Wearing something visually offensive. All swimsuits are not created equal. While I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s confidence here, string bikinis are probably not the best idea when your tummy covers the bottoms entirely (yes, I’ve actually seen this). The same goes for Speedos (old men = yuck!). Also, people generally come to the pool to have some fun in the sun. Wearing an oversized t-shirt, board shorts, giant sunglasses, and a humongous sunhat over a swimsuit is a cause for jokes during breaks in the guard room. Just remember a simple rule: if you wouldn’t be OK parading your attire in front of Stacy and Clinton from TLC’s What Not to Wear, head back to the changing rooms and try on something different.

5. PDA. You might assume the pool is on people’s lists of taboo places to make out, a list that includes your grandma’s house, a bear cave, the children’s section of the public library, or in front of one of those windows behind popular morning talk show hosts. Apparently, it’s not. One of the things I’m paid to do is watch people in my pool. Does it sound kind of creepy that when you're at the pool, someone is always watching your every move? It should, because sometimes it really creeps me out too. As our saying goes, “This is a family-fun facility, not a family-making one.”

An added bonus: This is not your therapist’s office. I honestly don’t think anyone realizes that when you are treading water right underneath the guard’s chair, the guard will probably be able to hear your deep conversations with your bestie. Listening to a heartbroken boy sob after his date went south when he told the girl he enjoyed collecting pictures of animal-shaped clouds, or hearing a nine-year-old complain that her mom won’t let her get highlights actually makes my day quite interesting. I just thought I’d warn you on this one.

Of course, it’s easy to get annoyed at fellow pool patrons, also. What really bugs you?