Last week, several evening news programs finished their broadcast with video of a 7-year-old boy from Utah who "borrowed" the family car and led police on a high speed chase before pulling over, jumping out, and running away. The cause of this kid's behavior? He didn't want to go to church. While stealing a car is not necessarily a strategy we would employ, we do recognize the need to assert yourself. In fact, this story reminded us how much we love rebellion!
We've all rebelled at some point or another. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual on Behavior—OK, fine, according to our personal and anecdotal experiences—there are four distinct stages of rebellion. To help you figure out which stage you're in, we've detailed the major symptoms along with some examples below. Each stage is perfectly normal, so don't worry if you're still in an early phase. You'll get to the last one eventually, we have no doubt!
Stage 1: Instinctive rejection. A general and mild aversion, rather than a fully-formed, calculated act of rebellion. Consider the example of a baby who hates the taste of pureed carrots. Or someone whose parents buy her an awful sweater for Christmas who, driven only by instinct, finds a way to lose that sweater.
Stage 2: Spontaneous outbursts. Our friend the 7-year-old car thief fits into this category: without forethought, he committed an act he didn't know he was capable of. Another example: belching in response to your teacher's question about the nature of Hamlet's relationship to his murdering, adulterous uncle, Claudius. Yup, that about sums up their relationship.
Readers take note: Any negative consequences of the Spontaneous Outbursts stage are easily deflected with a simple explanation: "I don't know where that came from! I'm so sorry!" Afterward, you can enjoy telling the story about how you "accidentally" pushed your sister into the pool with all her clothes on.
Stage 3: Savvy calculation. By this stage, you may have noticed that rebellion can be pretty fun. To maximize your opportunities, plan in advance. If your parents are making you go on a day trip to the nearby ceramic doll museum, eat beans the entire day before, ensuring that the car ride will be, uh, musical. If you find out that your math teacher has a fear of balloons, on the day of your final exam you surprise her with a "Happy Friday!" balloon bouquet (as an added bonus, class might be canceled because she's crying in the corner). This stage of rebellion takes intellectual prowess and creativity, and it's usually accompanied by an evil laugh: Mwuahahahahahaha!
Stage 4: Inspired rebellion. After experiencing the upsides (a sense of freedom) and pitfalls (long-term grounding, public shame, regret) of the previous three stages, you now find yourself ready for rebellion nirvana. Practitioners of this stage are able to act out without calling too much attention to themselves. Let's say your parents won't let you redecorate your room. So you secretly convert your closet into a shrine to the Ramones. Or maybe, despite every effort, you've been paired with your greatest enemy for an in-class project on chemical reactions. You suggest that you each play a series of elements and demonstrate their relative masses by having a nerf-bat battle. It just so happens that you claim the heavier elements and crush your opponent at every turn. Basically, you're able to fulfill your original desires while appearing to play along with the rules. The perfect rebellious combination!
What stage of rebellion are you in? What's been your greatest rebellious act? Or maybe you haven't yet tapped your inner rebel. If so, what's stopping you?
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