I bet you thought “pwn” went out of style in late 2007 along with expressions such as “w00t,” “pr0n,” “n00b,” and “sux0rz.” Well, it kinda did. (The last recorded usage was by your dad, who claimed to have "utterly pwned a plate of chicken cacciatore.") But now it’s back in all its unpronounceable glory, and I am going to re-embrace it. Few words capture the ineffable ridiculousness of the internet so well. "zOMG" is a pretty close second, although it's only really useful when you are about to be attacked by the living dead, at which point you can yell, "zOMG! zOMBIES!" Happens to me all the time. You know what else happens to me all the time? I get good questions from Sparklers. So let's have at 'em.
Hello, Chris, how are you? Hope you are enjoying your very "Twilightish" vacation in that semi-dark apartment... (I loathe "Twilight," by the way. It may have some artistic merit, but there is evidence to the contrary.) Anyway, let me inform you about my dilemma. For the past 5 years or so, I have devoted myself entirely to the written word. It was a momentous event that changed my life completely. Significant events of my life encapsulated themselves in intricate, complex poetry. I sat at the computer for hours and hours in the hopes of constructing a good piece to add to my collection. Thus, I accumulated my extensive anthology into the wirings of a small jump drive. That little technological device was my most cherished treasure... Until one day, I lost it. Gone forever. I thought I had placed it back into my bookbag after I took it off of my computer, but turns out I didn't. And I have no idea as to where it could be. So what should my next action be? Is my poetry forgotten? Can I still fulfill my dream of becoming the female Shakespeare? (Conceited much?)
Hello hater of Twilight. If your life’s work isn’t saved anywhere else and the jump drive has truly been swallowed by a black hole/sewer grate/your pet Komodo dragon, you've got two options: 1. Attempt to rewrite your collection from memory. This probably won’t work, but there aren’t any laws against trying. Hopefully you'll be able to preserve some of the ideas and even phrases you set down previously. Just remember that pretty much every piece of writing is a product of a specific moment in time, and, well, the specific moments that yielded your anthology have passed. 2. Convince yourself that all the work on your jump drive was drivel, and that you were merely practicing for your true masterpiece, which is what you can start writing now. What you wrote back then was probably very good, but there’s always room for improvement. And keep in mind that before your poetry can be forgotten, people need to know about it, and you may never reach that point if you don’t keep your files safe. Always keep at least three copies of your writing: One on your computer, one on a backup drive somewhere outside your computer, and one in your email as an attachment. You might also try storing some of your stuff on Google Docs, which can be accessed from any computer. Don’t give up hope: You can still be the female Shakespeare someday. Just don’t be the female Slackspeare when it comes to backing up your work.
I'm going to visit my grandparents in a week, and I'm going to meet my cousins for the first time in ages. However, the younger cousin and I got talking the last time I saw him, and he told me that his parents argued a lot. Being nine at the time, I guessed at a divorce, but wasn't very tactical about it. Now I'm going to see him again (his parents are divorced now) and I really don't know how he'll react to me. I kinda felt like I was predicting bad things. And on the same trip, I had a dream about a kitchen table and a guy sitting at it. The next day, we went to my aunt’s house, and there was the table, but without the man. I was convinced for a couple months that I was magically inclined. I really doubt it now. However, there was also another incident. One day in school, our teacher told us that she had really really sad news, and her eyes watered up. Not knowing what it was, I opened my big mouth and, after someone suggested that her boyfriend dumped her, I said, "Maybe someone died..." Then she told us one of the high school juniors died in a car crash. I felt a bit guilty about that, too. I realize that it wasn't directly my fault, but I'm kinda creeped out. If I predicted that the whole world would ________ (not gonna say it—use your imagination), would that happen, too? Yeah. So basically I'm asking about what to do with the cousin, and then what to do with the freaky prediction thing. Maybe I should hook myself up to a rainbows and butterflies and unicorns IV??
Hmm. I think the first episode with your cousin was more your logical interpretation of his statement than evidence of fortune-telling gift. And the table dream followed by a table sighting doesn’t really cut it, either—an incredibly common object played a passing role in your dream, and then you saw that incredibly common object in real life. NBD, as they say. And regarding your teacher’s sad announcement, you again made a rational assumption based on the facts presented to you. So congratulations, you are a perceptive individual. But look at it as an advantage, as you are able to “read” situations very well. This talent will once again come in handy the next time you see your cousin. It’s pretty unlikely that he holds you responsible for his parents’ divorce, but you should feel out the sitch before mentioning anything related to his parents, relationships in general, the idea of love gone wrong, or banana splits. If you sense that these are sore or otherwise sensitive subjects, by all means, don’t bring them up. Instead, direct the conversation toward something more innocent, such as the potentially adverse effects of inserting tiny mythical beasts into your veins.
I have been dreaming of visiting Europe since I was little. A few days ago, my dad found out he needs to travel to the UK and France for work. My mom and I were going, too. The problem is, the trip lasts for a week in September, and I am going to attend an IB school next year. The IB program provides about 4-5 hours of homework each night, and if I missed a week then I don’t think I could ever catch up. We called the school office today, and the guidance counselor discouraged the trip at first, but later said that it might be possible. She gave us a list of possible teachers that I might have and on the list was a language arts teacher notorious for making kids cry. The guidance counselor also said that the work she could give me ahead of time was limited, so I would have to do it when I got back. This is a dream vacation and an opportunity I might not have until years from now (busy summers, parents working, younger siblings prevent me from traveling). Should I go and possibly let my grades suffer or stay and let this opportunity pass by? I need your advice soon since if I do go, we need to book tickets and get passports, etc. What should I do? Please help!!
I think you should go on the trip. While school and homework and grades are important, going to Europe will give you an education of an entirely different kind—one based on real experience, not something you read in a book. There’s no substitute for getting out and seeing the world, and I encourage you to do whatever it takes to make the trip happen. Your life may be more painful before and after, but it sounds like you are already planning ahead to minimize the horror. And yes, your grades might slip a little, but you’ll have some time to make them up before the end of the marking period, and a couple of B+’s will be worth seeing some of Europe’s most incredible sights in person. Think of it this way: ten years from now, would you ever look back and think, “Man, thank goodness I didn’t go on that trip to Europe”?
I have a family question for you. This is kind of complicated, so I have to explain to you the background—this could be long. I have not spoken to my mother in ten years. There's a reason for this. When I was a kid, she had really serious issues with drugs and alcohol. Even though I lived in the same house with her, I have very few memories of her before I was six. My dad and his mom raised me—my mom was usually drunk or high. I thought it was normal for mothers to pass out by 6pm every night, no joke. She also had a rather disturbing tendency of leaving my brother and me at stores, school, and at home by ourselves for long periods of time, before we were even a year old. She left my dad when I was six for an ex-con she worked with. She took me and my brother with her. She kept telling us that my dad cheated on her and beat her—that is not true. She was the one who was adulterous and abusive. I've heard from some pretty reliable sources that at some point before she left, she was trying to poison my dad, and he didn't press charges because he didn't want my brother and I to go through a divorce. It was only after my parents separated and divorced that I saw my mother's true personality. She lied about everything—she said she wouldn't divorce my dad, then she did. She said she wasn't going to marry the guy that she left with, then she did. She got mad at me because when her new husband molested me, I bit him to defend myself. She kicked him out briefly and said they were divorcing, because Social Services got involved, then she took him back. She said we wouldn't move out of state, so we could stay close to my dad and his family, then she moved us several hundred miles away to where her family lived and wouldn't let us talk to my dad's family. She stayed mad at me because I didn't like her husband and started retaliating by taking away the dog she gave me for my eighth birthday and giving it to her creepy husband. She also started playing favorites with my brother to make me jealous. I got sick of this pretty quickly, and we (my brother and I) ran away from home three different times. We ended up in a shelter and foster care for a while. After that, I moved in with some wonderful friends of mine, and I haven't spoken to my mother since. It took me along time to get over this, but in the past few years, I've come to terms with it, and I can even think of my mom without getting angry and remember good memories of her (there aren't many, but I have a few). I'm living with relatives now in a stable environment—I'm a straight-A college student, I work part-time, I volunteer, I've never gotten into any trouble, and I've never drank or done drugs (that's one thing I can give my mother credit for—having an addict for a parent is one of the best drug and alcohol prevention methods). I'm, for the most part, happy. Most people don't know my situation, except for my family and one close friend (and she doesn't even know everything I have just told you). I keep things simple by just telling people that my mom is the friend who raised me. The problem? Several months ago, out of curiosity, I tried to find some of my mom's family online. I found her dad's obituary (he had died a few months earlier). I can't tell you how painful it was to find out on the Internet that my grandpa died. You know what hurt even more though? My brother and I weren't even listed as surviving him. I can tell my mom was the one who wrote the obituary, and that really hurt me. I know she's probably mad at me, but I had to get away from her—she was a terrible parent and she nearly drove me insane. I've tried to think of other explanations for why she left us out—maybe all the alcohol and meth she's consumed over the years made her forget about us, I don't know. In spite of this, I got curious about her, and I started doing some snooping on the computer. I saw that she had divorced that guy she was with (that was her fourth marriage) and may have remarried twice afterwards, but I'm not entirely sure. I also found her Facebook/Myspace pages. When I saw her picture on there, I got sick at my stomach and didn't want to find anymore out. I would love to be able to reconnect with my mom and have a good relationship with her, but I know that's probably never going to happen. However, I have two half brothers (they're from her first marriage). They were both teenagers when I was born, but I always got along well with them. They, if you can believe it, suffered even more than my brother and I have with my mom. I miss them, and I've had several dreams over the years where I reconnected with them. (Incidentally, I've never dreamed that about my mom.) In my grandfather's obituary, I saw that I have two nieces that I've never met and knew nothing about. I would love to reconnect with my brothers, but they live in the same town as my mom. I'm afraid that if I get in contact with them, my mom will find out and I'll have to deal with her. I don't want to see her—she's ruined enough of my life, but I really miss them. I know my oldest brother was not as close to her as my other half-brother, and I think he'd be the one to get in contact with. But how would I go about it? I don't even know his address, phone number, or e-mail address. Even if I can't have a close relationship with my brothers, I'd like them to know I turned out O.K., no thanks to mom. I don't ever believe they knew the full story of why I stopped speaking to her or started running away from home. God only knows what my mother's version of these events are. Should I try to get in contact with them, or should I just leave well enough alone? I've asked other my family for advice, and they tell me it's up to me. I want an independent, unbiased person's opinion. What should I do? Thanks.
That’s quite a story. You’ve been through a lot, and I’m very happy to hear that you've processed it all so maturely and landed in a stable situation and also that you’re doing so well in school. Bravo! As for your question about your brothers, I think you should try to reconnect with them. My suspicion is that if you don’t try to get back in touch, you’ll always wonder about them and the relationship you might have had. It sounds like you need share your full story with them, no matter how risky it may be. Yes, there is a chance that your mom will find out and become re-involved in your business, but it’s up to you to let her back in or not, as you are in control of your life now. If the circumstances arise, you get to decide whether to see her or speak to her. Regarding how to get in touch with your older brothers, if you know their names and the town in which they live, you can comb the internet for any info (which you’ve probably already tried), or hit up the town’s public records. You might also speak with another family member about how to reconnect. They may have your brothers’ contact info, or they might be able to put you in touch with someone who can help. You do risk re-opening some old wounds in this quest, but it seems to me that you are in a good place with the resources to cope with whatever comes up—even if it means re-establishing a relationship with your mom. Thanks for sharing your story, and good luck!
I’ve had this problem for a very long time and honestly can’t figure out what to do. I have these two friends that we’ll call Joe and Jake for now. I have known these two friends for about two years now. I kinda liked ‘em both before I really knew them, and once I knew them, I still liked them, but became very close with them both. Joe is known for being a player but has shown special interest in me now that I’m going into high school and we have all the same interests. And Jake is a very very sweet person who only shows his emotions to people that he completely and utterly trusts (that’s me). Very recently they both told me that they want become more than friends. I’m on emotional overload and like them both very very much. And it doesn’t help whatsoever that Jake is 2 years older than me and Joe is 3 years older. Help?
If you want my completely biased opinion, I would go with Jake, for a few reasons. He’s closer to your age, meaning there’s less of a chance that you are in different places in your lives, which in my experience is a surefire relationship-killer. Also, he seems to understand that trust is an important thing. Furthermore, you want to go out with someone who holds you in high regard and feels that such a special connection takes time to build, not someone who blabs their emotions to anyone with ears. And finally, Joe gets disqualified because he can be described as a player. And I don't want you to get played.
Which pwns more, ninjas or pirates?
The last time I saw a ninja go head to head with a pirate, it was a lopsided battle. The pirate made an impressive display with his eye patch, parrot, and shirt/blouse, which was open to the waist. His hook glinted in the sun, and he gesticulated wildly, yelling “Shiver me timbers,” which is pirate-speak for “My peg leg is cold.” While he put on this little show, the ninja crept up from behind and delivered a huge, long hug from which the pirate could not escape. The pirate was so embarrassed. He totally got pwned.
Send your pwuestions to chris@sparknotes.com.
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