Tim Burton, Please Read This

The preview for Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland is a colorful, dazzling ad for one of the funniest and craziest stories ever written. (If you haven't read this book yet, do so immediately, regardless of your age.)

But after watching the trailer, we were left feeling a little…empty.

Don't get us wrong. Come opening day we will be first in line to see the wacky Johnny Depp play the Mad Hatter and Helena Bonham Carter play an oddly disfigured Red Queen. But after seeing all the special effects and computer generated characters in the trailer, our hopes are not as high for this project as they once were. Part of the reason is Burton-boredom. And in hopes of rekindling our love for the man who brought us Edward Scissorhands, we have  written Mr. Burton the following letter:

Dearest Mr. Burton:

You're a genius. We know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. So could you please stop using every frame of your films to attack our senses? It's not that we don't appreciate all your creativity, but we've seen all your recent films—including Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd, and The Corpse Bride—and your bag of tricks is getting a bit stale.

We predict the new Alice in Wonderland will feature your hallmark style, with lots of striped costumes and swirly set pieces. The entire film will most likely have a playful, yet nightmarish feel to it. And Johnny Depp will further prove he is the best actor of his generation. But Tim (it's cool if we call you Tim, right?), we'd like to see something different from you, if you don't mind.

Recently you've become like a dog that can do back flips. At first, everyone gathers around to watch this wonderful stunt. And they watch it again, and again. But eventually, people will walk away, looking for something new, such as a cat that plays the keyboard. It's time for a change.

We know you ventured out of your fantasy element when you made the Academy-Award-winning Ed Wood, and we loved that movie. And Big Fish had one foot firmly planted in reality (but the other was planted firmly in madcap fiction). Would you please try to make another movie like these? A movie that isn't so…Burton-esque?

You need to take the audience by surprise. When word got out that you were making Alice in Wonderland, you could hear everyone in America collectively murmur, "Well, of course he's making Alice in Wonderland. What's for dinner?" You need to do something unexpected. Something that isn't set in a fantasy world. Something that doesn't feel like we ate Pop-Tarts covered in honey and dipped in hot fudge. You're a talented filmmaker, and we want you to wow us again.

That said, we suggest you make a movie based on a bland story, about boring people and boring situations. Since Michael Clayton has already been made, we offer you the following story idea (free of charge):

The movie is about a man (played, of course, by Johnny Depp) who falls in love with a woman (played, of course, by Helena Bonham Carter). They get married and buy a house in the country. Then one day the woman gets a headache. The man buys her a dog named Penny to cheer her up, and her headache goes away. The End. The movie is called, "A Penny for Her Thoughts."

Boring, right? That's the point! In your creative hands this could be the greatest film ever made. And you wouldn't need fancy effects or a zany gothic art design. We have faith in you. Thanks for reading this and tell Helena we said hi. (We kind of have a crush on her.)

Sincerely,
SparkNotes

P.S. After you make A Penny for Her Thoughts, could make Beetlejuice II? Thanks!