Chris Listens: Pregnant Friends, Confusing Sexuality, and Knowing When to LOL

Before donning my newly updated listening apparatus in order to process another round of scintillating Sparkler queries, I want to answer a few personal-ish questions posed in the comments of last week’s column. Namely:

Chris are you on vacation?
At present, I am not on vacation, unless you'd consider staring at a computer screen in a semi-dark apartment in the middle of the afternoon a vacation. But last month I spent some time in Pine Knoll Shores, NC, which is where this summery image was snapped. The pic captures me in the middle of looking very closely at my future, which apparently was so bright I had to wear shades.

Edison, NJ, I presume? (Re: the town where I grew up)

Close! I was raised in Metuchen, which on some maps appears as the hole in Edison’s donut. And to the Sparkler who mentioned “J.P.,” as in J.P. Stevens High School: our tennis team played J.P. every year. They always destroyed us.

But enough about me—I feel a self-directed “TMI” coming on. Let’s talk about you!

My best friend just told me she’s pregnant. She’s only 17 and she and her parents are thrilled about it. I don’t want to be all judgmental and everything but she doesn’t see how big a responsibility this is and doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously. I don’t even know what to say to her, I’m her best friend so I don’t want to lecture her, but I want her to realize what having a baby is going to mean to her life. How can I be a supportive friend without sounding like her parent?
Just give it a little time. If your best friend just found out she’s pregnant, she’s likely still in the stage where everything is exciting and new and wonderful because it’s all about the baby, and how adorable the baby will be, and what kind of cute outfits you can buy for the baby. She might not be thinking about the effects the baby will have on the other parts of her life. But as her pregnancy continues, she will have to face some serious questions: How will she support the baby? Where are she and the baby going to live? Does having a baby throw a wrench in her college plans, if she has any? What about the baby’s father’s plans? Is he going to be around to help raise this child? I suspect that being forced to answer these questions (and many others) will be a bit of wake-up call for her. I am not suggesting that you ask your friend any of these questions, because she will naturally encounter them as she talks to her doctor and family. When the time comes, your friend may need to you to be there for her as she makes some of these decisions. You should support her by helping her figure out what’s best for her. Listen to her concerns and share your feelings, but don’t lose sight of the fact that it’s her baby and her body. It’s certainly possible that she will continue to be thrilled about her pregnancy, which is great. In that case, you can be happy that she’s happy, because all babies deserve happy parents.

Hey there! I'm going on a mission trip with several other churches next week. There're gonna be several people I haven't met before there. However, whenever I'm surrounded by a group of people I don't know, I tend to get all panicked that I'll make a bad impression and get nervous. Of course, this ends with me making a first impression as the nervous idiot. By the time I get over it and can just be me, it's been a day or two and everyone has already made friends. It's awkward when people are crying when they say their final goodbyes while I'm just giving people I kind of know quick hugs. I really feel that if I could get just be me from the get-go, I could make better friends at the end of it, and enjoy the whole experience to the full extent. Please help.
Heya! From one shy person to another, let me tell you I HAVE BEEN THERE. I’m generally pretty awkward in groups, especially groups of new people, and my default setting involves clamming up and blending into the background. But lately I’ve been trying a different strategy: being super-friendly and outrageously outgoing right from the start, even if it feels completely unnatural compared to my usual timid demeanor. The point here is to head off those panicky feelings before they have a chance to occur, because once you feel that nervous hesitation, you can quickly get sucked into dwelling on it and on the fact that you are not talking and everyone is judging you, etc. But if you put yourself out there right away, you don’t have time to think these thoughts, which can eat up your brain. Of course, you may find that opening up like this just isn’t you, but at least you’ll have given it a shot. As for what to say, that’s up to you. I find that telling a story sometimes helps because it forces me to say more than one word. Good luck!

A very close friend of mine and I have both expressed romantic interest in each other, but he has repetitively mentioned that he's not sure if he wants to be in a relationship and wants to stay just friends. The main reason for him wanting to hold off on the relationship is that we have religious differences, and he's uncertain about how this would affect us. Well, the problem is that he's said we shouldn't be together right now, but sometimes he treats me the way you would treat a girlfriend and not just a friend. He often hugs or holds me for long periods of times and also says, "I love you" a lot. This makes me a little uneasy because it's not that I don't return his feelings, it's just that he has made no commitment to me. Sometimes he treats me just like a plain friend, almost as if ignoring what we already know about each other. I don't know what to tell him or what to do about this anymore. I really want to be with him, but should I ask him to draw the line and choose between friend or girlfriend? Currently we're on some sort of middle ground, and it makes me very insecure. What do I do about this? What should I say to him? P.S. I've actually been waiting for him to make up his mind about this situation for a few months now...
Well, before we even get to the crazy mixed signals this guy is sending you, let me tell you that I am a little concerned about his “religious differences” excuse. Do you really want to go out with a guy who thinks different religions might keep a relationship from working out? It’s pretty dang close-minded. But on to your main problemo: If this guy has strung you along for months, it’s high time you get some concrete answers. I think it’s fair to ask him to draw the line at this point, because while you're in this indeterminate limbo state, he seems to think he can enjoy your affection without committing. And to that, I say, “Sorry, buster, it’s a package deal. You can only get the affection with the commitment.” Regarding what to say to him, I think you could pretty much cut and paste your above question into an email, click “send,” and see how it goes. Since he is being all evasive and confusing, you should be extra honest and convey that you are not going to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind. Hopefully this ultimatum will cause him to confront his true feelings for you. Y'all may end up in one of a variety of conditions—blissful romantic love, platonic friendship, or awkward detachment—but no matter the outcome, it’s time to take a stand.

I'm in a situation where I don't know what I am, straight, bi, or lesbian... Only it's kinda scary because my parents are seriously against bisexual/gay people. We'll they're not against it exactly, they don't mind so much if people are gay, they just don't approve, because it’s "not natural"... I think if I did experiment more and turned out to be bisexual or lesbian, I wouldn't tell my parents until I was about 30! I think my siblings might be okay with it, but I'm just scared. I mean, I kissed my best friend on a dare, and it wasn't really good or bad. However, when a guy kissed me on the cheek in 6th grade, it was like... weird, but good. My cheek felt all tingly after. I've had crushes, but I'm not so sure if they're qualified as crushes. I mean, when you read about it, it's super-magical and happy and everything, but in real life, apparently not so much—I don't know how I'm supposed to feel! I'm just really confused, and I don't really know what to do, ‘cause I've never actually kissed a guy—just a girl—so I don't know if that's how it's supposed to feel, or if it's better when you're with a guy if you're straight? So what does a crush feel like? If it's supposed to feel all tingly and make your heart beat faster when they talk to you and make your palms sweaty when you approach them... then I've never had a crush on anybody... unless all my teachers count... but I'm guessing that's just cause they scare me...
Hey there! It’s okay to be confused! Some people understand their own sexuality right off the bat, but for others it can take some time, and more than a couple of kisses. And while we’re on the subject, keep in mind that kisses are a physical act that can happen independently of your attraction to a person. (For example, I once was dared to swap spit with a ferret. Even though I didn't feel anything for the ferret, I did it, and made five bucks in the process.) It’s how you feel emotionally that really counts, and all the experimenting in the world might not clarify anything. A crush can indeed manifest itself in the way you described it—sweaty palms, etc.—but I think the primary indicator is when you think about a person—A LOT. And you think you’d like to be with that person, but you’re not sure why, maybe it’s his great sense of humor, or maybe you love his smile, or maybe he has incredible abs, but in any case you kinda sorta get mildly obsessed with this person for a reason you can’t really pinpoint. That’s a crush, and you could have one on a boy or a girl, or both, and it’s okay if you’ve never had a crush on anybody, too. While many people do get crushes during childhood and adolescence, you may not have encountered anyone who makes you feel that way, probably because you’re still coming to terms with your own sexuality. So what I’m recommending here is patience. You need to let your sexuality develop on its own, and don’t feel forced to “choose” one because you think it would please your parents, or anyone besides yourself. If you want to continue this discussion with someone, go to a counselor or therapist. You might not want to bring it up with your parents just yet, lest they freak out unnecessarily, because the last thing you need is more freaking out. Hang in there and try not to worry about how you’re supposed to feel. Just feel.

So I REALLY hate it when people do the whole, “Oh, I’m so busy and tech-savvy, I don’t have the time to spell out whole words or use any semblance of punctuation, so I’ll say, ‘omg hi how ru i lyk tly luv u bt i hv 2 go ttyl.” And I can avoid using all of that stuff myself, but I can’t avoid “lol.” I mean, I’ve tried just saying, “ha,” but people think that I’m being sarcastic. And I don’t want to say, “laugh out loud,” or, “Golly-gee, Billy John, you are just so darn funny.” So what can I say that doesn’t violate my anti-IM-speak code and doesn’t make people think I’m a complete freak?
In my opinion, people should not be permitted to type LOL unless they actually laughed out loud. Quick story: I used to work in an office with a guy. We sat right next to each other and we IMed all day. He typed LOL constantly, even though it was quite clear that he was not actually laughing out loud. He usually just smiled. My response, therefore, was “u r a liar.” As for your quagmire, here are a few options for expressing mirth online:

Tee-hee
Heh
Giggly McGigglesmith
Heeeeeeeeeeee
Hoooooooooooo
Hi. Larry. Us.
LMAO! No seriously, it just fell off
LOLlerskates
LOLlercoaster
I just took a ride on the ROFLcopter
I just made some copies on the ROFLcopier

Snd ur fnny IM j0kz 2 chris@sparknotes.com.