Auntie SparkNotes: Sick of Being Called a Prude

The theme of this week's letter is boozin' and usin':

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,

Lately, I've been feeling very lonely.
I'm 16, and it seems like everyone I know is drinking or doing drugs. I realize that we're teenagers, and teenagers tend to try things, but it's all getting too out of control for me. All of my friends are drinking, my boyfriend drinks and does drugs, and his entire family does too. I have tried to talk to my parents about my feelings, but they told me that I just need to get used to it. I'm sick of being called a prude and a party pooper, and I'm sad that no one else feels this way. Doesn't anyone get that drugs are ILLEGAL? And alcohol, I can understand on special occasions, maybe. But I don't see any reason to get smashed for the fun of it, especially not when you're under 21!

It also makes me really sad that some of these people are friends whom I've known forever. I hate watching my former playmates run around taking crazy pictures and doing things they would never do sober. And I love my boyfriend, we've been dating for two years, but I don't like the way he acts when he's high or drunk. I've tried to surround myself with people who can have a good time just being themselves, and doing fun things like we used to. But now, God forbid you do something fun that you'll remember in the morning.

I'm so confused....do I just cave in and do those things? Am I being a party pooper? I've often wondered if I'll feel differently after I've experimented, but I just feel so uncomfortable at the idea.
Any advice?

This is a tough issue with a lot going on… but we’ve got to start somewhere, so let’s tackle your first question. Sooo, should you cave and turn into a wild, crazy, booze-swilling fiend? The short answer is: No, you should not. And that's not because drinking is inherently wrong, but rather, because it’s wrong to you.

This isn’t even an alcohol-specific thing; doing something that doesn’t jive with your personal value system will inevitably leave you feeling bad about yourself. Always keep in mind that when it comes to experimenting with anything—whether it’s mundane (drinking) or insane (skydiving in a clown costume while holding a live lobster)—the time to do it is when your level of interest is equal to, or greater than, your level of discomfort. Pushing your boundaries is a natural part of growing up, but it should feel more like an exciting leap and less like a betrayal of your morals.

In the meantime, you’re on the right track in surrounding yourself with people who don’t necessarily equate inebriation with entertainment—and trust me, there are plenty of 'em out there. But if you want to take some additional action, try this:

Keep connecting with your friends in ways that don’t involve alcohol. Go hiking, organize an ultimate Frisbee tourney, see a movie, or get a group together for a so-cheesy-it’s-cool activity like bowling. (Note: I’m assuming that your friends aren’t actually one-dimensional cretins whose social lives are fueled exclusively by booze. If, on the other hand, they show up to the 7:30 showing of Harry Potter with a six-pack hidden in their pants, then you may want to rethink why you’re spending time with these people.)

Weed out the losers. The kids who brought the six-pack to the Potter premiere can be dropped from your social calendar. Ditto the ones who heckle and jibe you incessantly about not drinking. This doesn’t mean that you should dump all the drinkers, but your friends need to respect your position, even if they don’t share it. (And as for your boyfriend, it’s time for a serious convo. Two years is a long time, so if his behavior makes you uncomfortable, you need to talk about it. And as always, if he’s mistreating you, kick him to the curb ASAP. Being drunk/high is not an excuse.)

Cultivate friendships with other straightedge people. You’re not alone in feeling uncomfortable around booze, so consider expanding your social circle to include people who won’t look askance at your decision to abstain. Hanging with similar-minded friends is a great way to stop your loneliness, plus it’ll give you another social outlet when your drinking friends are getting too beery.

But, keep the sanctimony in check. Your parents were wrong to dismiss your feelings the way they did, but they were right about one thing: Alcohol is very much a part of adult life, and the older you get, the more people you’ll know who partake. So while your friends should respect your decision not to drink, you need to make sure you’re not lecturing or harping on them about it (unless they’re endangering themselves, or others, by doing things like drinking and driving. Then, all bets are off.) There’s nothing wrong with abstaining, but if you go to parties just to tell everyone what losers they are for drinking, you’re definitely entering pooper territory.

Oh, and the drugs?!! You haven’t mentioned what sort of, er, substances we’re talking about, but Auntie SparkNotes’ eyeballs practically flew out of her head when you said that your boyfriend’s “whole family” was involved. Obviously, there’s a big difference between “They smoke pot” and “They have a meth lab in the basement,” but if this relationship is endangering your safety in any way, GTFO now please, before you give your advice columnist a coronary.

Ouf, now I need a drink.

Got a question for Auntie SparkNotes? Leave it in the comments, or email her at advice@sparknotes.com.