Thursday Afternoon Raw: Harry v. Edward Smackdown
The mainstream media must not have gotten the memo that we settled the Harry Potter/Twilight controversy last week, because they continue to weigh in on the rivalry of the century. The Wall Street Journal may have all kinds of big box office numbers and fancy quotes from 13-year-olds in Alberta, Canada, but we have chutzpah. And we think we can kill this issue once and for all, the gentlemanly way—with a good, clean WWE smackdown.
In this corner, weighing in at 135 pounds, the boy magician with a heart of gold and Coke bottle glasses, the Heartthrob of Hogwarts, the Wizard Whose Wand You'd Like to Touch... Haaaaaarry Poooooootter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the other corner, weighing in at a muscle-rippling 165 pounds, we have the vampire with amber, no wait gold, no wait black eyes, the Bloodsucker with Style, the Undead with Sex Appeal... Edwaaaaard Culleeeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!
Live from Neverland, for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble!
Round 1: Edward rushes at Harry with puma-like speed. In an attempt to conjure a Patronus, Harry instead invokes the Expectorato Patronum spell, accidentally hawking a loogie on Edward, who is so disgusted he retreats to his corner to be wiped down and pep-talked by his trainer, Carlisle.
Round 2: Bella arrives fashionably late at the stadium, her crap car having broken down on the way. In an attempt to impress her, Edward tears off his own shirt, followed by a long speech about how Bella's his "own personal form of heroin" but they can't be together because he's too dangerous and he has "issues" blah blah blah. "Yeah, control issues," says an annoyed Harry, and incants a Hair Loss Curse, upon which Edward's unruly bronze mane falls out, rendering him completely bald. But when a shaft of light shines through the skylight of the arena (even smackdowns need mood lighting), Harry is temporarily blinded by Edward's bedazzled skin. Harry stumbles back to his corner, where he is tended to by Ron.
[Temporary delay in the match in order to break up a ringside cat fight started when Hermione calls Bella a "muggle." For the record, Hermione is winning.]
Round 3: As the contenders again approach the center of the ring, Harry prepares to cast an Obscuro spell to blindfold Edward, but the vampire is able to read his mind. With lightning speed, Edward climbs the ropes and lunges at Harry in a Flying Clothesline before the wizard can get the word out. Harry is knocked to the ground, but the referee pulls them apart before Edward can sample his sweet, sweet half-breed blood.
Round 4: Driven delirious by Harry's bloody lip, Edward says the name of He Who Must Not Be Named. The crowd gasps and Harry loses concentration when he glances around to make sure He Who Must Not Be Named But Was Just Named has not jumped in the ring. With Harry distracted, Emmett Cullen rips a ringside chair from the ground and tosses it to Edward, who then hurls it at Harry. It barely misses Harry, who uses an Aresto Momentum spell to slow it down. The chair drops on the ground, and Harry stands on it to do an elbow drop on Edward, who barely feels it, throwing Harry with a flick of his wrist back to his corner.
Round 5: Harry turns himself into a giant, maneating squid (he has already registered with the Ministry as an Animagus). This causes Edward, who finds normal people food gross, to become nauseated because he's reminded of calamari. He returns to his corner to spew vampire chunks and have his now bald head stroked by Esme.
Round 6: ?????????????????????
How do you think the Harry/Edward smackdown ends? Who becomes a million dollar baby, and who goes home crying?