Teen Sends Text Message; World Ends

By now, we’re all pretty familiar with the so-called hazards of text messaging. Sore thumbs, skyrocketing SMS charges, opening an innocuous-looking photo attachment only to find yourself looking at a picture of someone’s butt…psh! Old news, my friends. But just when we thought there couldn’t possibly be any more undiscovered risks to text messaging, they threw this one at us:

Teenager Falls Into Open Manhole While Texting.

Well! It turns out that texting doesn’t just stress your button-pushing body parts; it also requires that you focus your complete attention on your phone, leaving no brain cells free for the all-important task of watching out for that big fracking hole filled with rats and poo. (The teenager in question was unhurt by her fall, but lost one of her sneakers to the gaping putrid manhole of death. RIP, sneaker.)

Meanwhile, your SparkNotes editors are sure it won’t be long before one media outlet or another gets ahold of this story and makes a hysterical trend piece out of it—something like “Texting Linked to Poor Balance, ADD,” or “Scientists Predict Increase in Shoe Loss Due to Texting.” After all, they just love to blame texting for the decline of society as we know it. So while we’re at it, what other stories can we expect to arise from our out-of-control texting habit? How about…

Teen Sends Text Message, Robs Bank
Texting Linked to Excessive Flatulence
Man Bitten by Text Message
Too Much Texting: The Story of a Wasted Life (A Lifetime Original Movie)
Scientists Uncover Texting-Related Rise in Global Warming
Text Offender Gets Life Sentence
“Text Flu” Reaches Pandemic Levels
Local Politician Assassinated by Text Message
Historical Documents Reveal: Hitler Liked Texting

Got a headline of your own to add? Text it to us… in the comments.