Surviving Your Ex
Sparkler nednettinc may have a PhD in love, but what really impresses us is her toaster. Enjoy! —SparkNotes Editors
OK, there are about three ways to deal with ex-girlfriends or boyfriends.
1) Pretend s/he fell off the face of the earth. This is my preferred method. To really commit, call the newspapers and tell them that John Uglypants disappeared.
Also, call the local dairy farm and get your ex's picture on the back of a milk carton.
2) Get angst-y. This involves singing along to Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been
Gone” until you realize how annoying it is that chat speak is used in a song title. Also in this category is writing the long rambling letter where you start off talking about their halitosis and somehow end up talking about how you fell off the stage when you were an avocado in your third grade play about the food pyramid.
3) Stalk him/her…erm, I mean take an unhealthy interest in his/her personal life. Facebook is a great way to achieve this. Break out your laptop and obsess over that picture he posted while writing statuses that go like this: Jane Blueteeth is SO over YOU! I deserve so much better than you…u don’t know what ur missing…i’m so over u….since u been gone I can breathe for the first time…
Now, while dealing with exes in reality isn’t as simple (or awesome) as the options above, it can be bearable. The key is to keep calm and avoid eye contact. Kind of like when you are approached by a rabid dog.
In all honesty, your ex will not be around forever. It might just be one of those situations where you just have to stick it out. (Like those posters with kittens that say “Hang in there!”) Believe it or not, your ex will eventually go away. You can always move things along by leaving travel brochures in his/her locker and loudly talking about how great that college is in Alaska.
Remember though, your exes are people too, so don’t be too nasty. Unless your ex isn’t a person…it might be a pillow…or an extra-terrestrial. If you have an alien boyfriend or girlfriend, be careful. Who knows how other species react to breakups? That toaster you gave it for your six-month anniversary? The one that puts little hearts on the toast? You might just wake up one day with that toaster replacing your head...
Aliens mean business.
Any Sparklers out there with ToasterHead breakups?!