Big Brother Is Watching...And So Are We

Big Brother is the best show on TV. We're not trying to be funny. We're not saying this with our tongue firmly planted in our cheek. We're not being ironic. Big Brother is the best show on TV, and if you're not watching it, that means you hate things that are good. (You probably enjoy traffic, warm soda, and getting tiny electric shocks from doorknobs.)

We tend to dislike reality shows passionately, but there's something wonderfully charming and addictive about Big Brother. Maybe it's the variety of contestants that keeps us coming back. Maybe it's the drama that's so entertaining. Or perhaps we're just a sucker for overused allusions to Orwell's 1984. Whatever the reason, we can't get enough, and we eagerly wait for the premiere of Big Brother each year like a child anticipates Christmas, or like a strange child anticipates Administrative Professional's Day.

The new season of Big Brother started last week, and will run all summer long. With three shows per week on CBS, plus the ability to sign up for 24-hour online access and a nightly Big Brother After Dark live show on Showtime, making Big Brother the focus of your summer vacation is easier than going to Disneyworld, and almost as much fun.

For those unfortunate folks who are new to the show, here's a quick FAQ:

Q: What is this? Some sort of show, or something?
A: Yes. It's a reality show that pits thirteen strangers against each other in a house that they cannot leave. The house is equipped with hundreds of cameras that catch the contestants' every move. (Hence the name.) They have no access to the outside world, and they have nothing to do all day but scheme, gossip, and stab backs. One by one, the guests are voted out of the house. Last one in the house wins $500,000. But the real winner is the audience.

Q: So this isn't about my brother Jerry?
A: No.

Q: That's lame. It sounds like every other stupid reality show. What makes this one so special?
A: That's like asking, "Why is ice cream so delicious?" It's hard to explain, but what will keep you coming back is the addictive nature of the show, and the brilliant simplicity of the concept. Sure, there are goofy rules and side-challenges, but essentially each week someone becomes the leader and uses his or her power to boot out another houseguest. Plus, the show is on three nights a week, so getting sucked in is easy, if not unavoidable. Watch the show for one week, and if you're not completely satisfied, go back to drinking warm soda while sitting in traffic.

Q: Aren't reality shows just for old ladies?
A: No. In fact, the competitive nature and rollercoaster ride of winning and losing makes watching Big Brother more like watching sports than anything else. You'll cheer on your favorites and boo their rivals. CBS even created a Big Brother Fantasy League.

Q: Why would I want to watch strangers hanging out all day?
A: Because it's awesome. But more importantly, these aren't just strangers. The contestants are like living, breathing train wrecks. It's as if Hollywood scientists took DNA from the most evil, most idiotic, most brilliant, and most conniving people in the world, put the samples in a blender, and used it to mold 13 attractive humans who wouldn't think twice about eating raw pig intestines to get a week's worth of peanut butter.

Q: Is there any singing or dancing?
A: Nope.

Q: Getting back to that Big Brother After Dark show on Showtime. Does it get raunchy?
A: Sadly, it has never gotten as scandalous as some of the European versions of the game show. (Americans are such prudes.) If you're lucky, you might see the side of a butt cheek. Like eavesdropping on your sister's phone call, it has the potential to be shocking, but usually isn’t. And yet you continue to do it for hours on end.

Q: I watched it, just like you said, but still have not become a fan. What am I doing wrong?
A: The key to enjoying Big Brother is to choose an enemy. Right now, we hate Jesse, the arrogant bodybuilder from last season who was brought back this season because he sold his soul to the devil (presumably). Once you find someone to hate, yell at the screen when the other houseguests fail to see what a jerk Jesse is. And for added fun, each week count the number of times host Julie Chen says, "But first." Check out this video to see what we mean.

Q: OMG! You're so right. This show is like a party for my eyeballs and ears. But the cliffhanger episodes are frustrating. Help!
A: OK. That’s not really a question. But if you cannot wait to see what happens next, and are too poor to pony up the money for the internet channel, you can easily find Big Brother spoilers online. When the urge to find out who won an endurance-based Head of Household competition is too overpowering, we turn to sites like TheMovieSpoiler.com. And then we take a long hot shower because gawking at spoilers makes us feel dirty. So dirty.

Q: Shouldn't you be blogging New Moon?
A: Yes. But not until the TV has been yelled at sufficiently. How else will the contestants know what to do?