Just in time for the final days of our SparkNotes Harry Potter extravaganza, we heard from an advice-seeker with a really complicated problem. Strange how this all sounds so familiar... if only I could think where I'd heard it before! Huh, oh well...
Dear Auntie SparkNotes,
I left school a few years ago, and ever since, I’ve been having a really hard time. All I’ve ever wanted is to be really powerful and important, but every time I try to reach my goal, something awful happens! It started when I was in high school—I was a really good student and I thought I could achieve great things, but then I made some really bad mistakes…and there was this, uh, unfortunate incident in a girls’ bathroom, and the next thing I knew, people were talking about closing the whole entire school just ‘cause of one lousy little accidental death! And they wouldn’t let me come back and work at the school after I graduated, even though they totally never proved anything. BLERGH.
Anyway, I tried to get on with my life and pursue my other interests, but then I heard this rumor that some little jerky kid I don’t even know was going to mess up all the things I’d been working so hard for. I mean, what the heck?! OK, so I admit that I kind of, um, overreacted when I heard that last part…but that kid totally deserved it, even if he was still wearing diapers. And now it’s been sixteen years and everyone still hates my guts. My old classmates won’t even say my name anymore. I don’t have any real friends at all—there are some people I hang out with, but they’re all pretty weird, and I think they only stick around ‘cause they’re scared I might cut off their arms or something.
I don’t even recognize myself anymore, Auntie SparkNotes. Sometimes I get so depressed, not even talking to my pet snake will cheer me up. I feel like my soul is broken into, like, seven or eight little pieces. I’m about to launch another offensive to try and get that power I’ve always wanted so badly, but my heart—and my nose—just aren’t in it the way they used to be! What should I do? Oh, and since I seem to have this weird reputation as he-who-must-not-be-named, just sign me...
Lonely in Little Hangleton
Dear Lonely,
For the LOVE, Sir Snakes-a-Lot—knock off the pity party for a second, and take a good look at yourself! You’ve driven away your friends, ruined your chances at career advancement, and tried to instigate a deathmatch with an infant… all because you wanted to be soooo super-great and powerful.
Haven’t you learned your lesson by now?
Auntie SparkNotes knows how hard it is to give up on a dream. After all, I once dreamed that I would dedicate my life to teaching cats to talk. In Spanish! But now I know that sadly, sometimes, the only way to succeed in life is to realize that your dreams are total crap. And so, just as your favorite advice columnist has had to accept that Mister Kittles will never greet her at her door with a rousing “Buenos dias!”, you must accept that your dream of achieving fame, importance, and power will never become a reality.
But it’s not too late for you, Lonely. Why not move to Des Moines, marry a nice girl, and get a job as a postal worker?
Oh, also? Consider getting rid of the snake. To be honest, you sound like a world-class freaky nightmare.
x’s and o’s,
Auntie SparkNotes
What advice would you give to our poor, lonely snake-wrangler? Leave it in the comments!
By: kat_rosenfield
Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, harry potter, cats, cartoons
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