Hey y’all. This is typically the part of the post where I talk about how many great questions you submitted during the past seven days. And holy smokes, this week you did not disappoint. There was a smattering of serious issues, some genuinely deep pondering of the mysteries of existence, and a clutch of lighthearted queries regarding silly topics we’ve all wondered about. Romance, intrigue, and ridiculous friends abounded. The array was truly breathtaking to behold, and I wish I could get to each of the inquiries, especially the questions about sandwiches, a subject that affects us all in profound ways. Read on for a look at some of the week's biggest head-scratchers.
I've been on vacation with my friend for about a week now, and the thing is, I'm absolutely miserable. It's not because I'm homesick (though I genuinely am); the friend I'm with is just brutal to me. Every little thing I do is criticized. And it's not just that. I don't mind being criticized, but she's demeaning me. I keep getting all of these backhanded compliments from her, like, "Oh, I love your jeans. They're tight on you, but I like them." And even worse, she makes fun of my speech impediment. I've had a lisp ever since I can remember, and it's not a terrible one, but she picks up on it and mocks it. As of late, I've also developed a slight stutter, and she blatantly makes fun of it, even though I've told her to cut it out several times. It seems like the only reason that she brought me along is to entertain her, which is not okay with me. This is my only vacation for the summer until I have to go back home and continue my job, which I work six days a week. She doesn't understand how difficult it is for me to be away from it, and she's even angry with me that I requested we shorten the trip (which is via car ride) to two weeks rather than three. I understand that she's used to getting her way all of the time—she's an only child (not to insult any only children out there). I've grown up with two older siblings, and my family has an open door policy. A friend is a part of the family with us. So naturally, she's not used to sharing space like I am, and she's not used to having to be diplomatic. But she doesn't have to be so rude about it. Everything I do is up for scrutiny; I'm a vegetarian, which she told me is making everyone else's lives difficult (even though the family I'm staying with is completely okay with my eating habits, and I cook for myself half the time); even the fact that I don't like to swim makes her life difficult, because I'm not in the pool with her to amuse her. What kills me is that she even had the audacity to tell me that this trip was all about her, and that I'm now making it about me, with my work schedule and asking to do things that I'd like to do. I can't talk to her for two reasons. First is because I'm very passive aggressive, and I don't want to make this trip more difficult than it already is. I don't want to say anything that would make the trip go terribly wrong for me and make me even more miserable. Also, she believes herself completely infallible. If I tell her how I'm feeling, she'll blatantly attack me and just put me down even more. What should I do? I've called home crying almost every night, and I've even considered going to my grandparent's, which is only about an hour away from where we are and staying with them. I just don't want to be so miserable for the rest of the trip, but I'll stick it out if I have to.
No offense, but it sounds like your friend is pretty lame. And two weeks is a lot of time to spend with someone who clearly has zero respect for you. (Looks like you made a good decision to shorten the trip!) Here’s what I would do: Before bailing, talk to her about the misery she’s causing you. Be honest and tell her everything you told me so she understands that she is hurting you. She may be so self-involved that she genuinely isn't aware of how her actions affect you. As you said, that conversation might go badly. In that case, you have my permission to get the heck out of there ASAP. But at least you’ll have tried to remedy the situation, and she’ll know why you left. And if the conversation goes well, you may be able to salvage the rest of your vacation and even get a fresh start on your "friendship." Suffering in silence seems like the easiest option, but if you go that route, your friend won’t understand that the way she’s treating you is unacceptable. And if nothing else, she needs to hear how you feel.
Hey Chris! So my bf asked me the other day if I would love him the same way if he changed his appearance voluntarily and I said I would. I don't know if I'm crazy or what but my opinion on love is that you love the person no matter what happens; you love them for who they are not what they look like. But when I asked him the same question back he said he wouldn't. He said he'd only love me as a friend. Does that mean he doesn't really love me for who I am but for what I look like or am I just over thinking things? And if it does mean that he just likes my looks, how do I address the problem?
Well, part of me thinks that you are overthinking things a little, and that this question is rather hypothetical, and that you shouldn’t be concerned about it unless the circumstances actually occur. But let’s dissect it for a moment or three. First of all, I think a lot depends on this idea of voluntarily changing one’s appearance, as well as the degree to which one’s appearance is changed. It's not really a blanket statement, as “appearance changes” can vary greatly. Your boyfriend might cut his hair, a fairly minor change, or he could get a tattoo that says “I hate puppies” on his face. You might still love him if he cuts his hair, but you might not if he gets a face tat that is insulting to puppies. And to turn the situation around, how could he automatically assume that he wouldn’t love you if you changed your appearance? You might make a change that makes him more attracted to you. Finally, as you obviously know, there’s a difference between loving someone emotionally and being physically attracted to them. It’s hard to guarantee that you would or would not love someone after a change of appearance. But yeah, all that being said, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. But I might try to find out if your boyfriend is planning on getting a face tattoo in order to test your affection.
Ok, so I'm Jewish, right? And I have this friend...well, she's nice. Most of the time. Occasionally, the conversation may drift towards religion. And she's a super super evangelical Christian. Well, I never thought that religion should be a problem in a friendship. Turns out it is. I find myself getting really mad at her when she talks about her opinions about religion. For example, I want to run for office some day. And I hear her saying that she thinks that America is a Christian nation, so she thinks only Christians should be elected to any office. She also says that she is praying for me. And she asks me why I'm not Christian. I talked to my mom, and she said this is simply how she was raised, and that the only thing that I can do about it is ask, "Why aren't you Jewish?" I actually find this difficulty often. A lot of people where I live are super evangelical Christians. I get so annoyed sometimes! Please help me!
Consider me totally annoyed on your behalf, as there are few things I find more frustrating than people who try to impose their religion/values/opinions on others. Everyone is entitled to believe or not believe in whatever they want, and that’s part of what makes life exciting. If everyone was the same, what fun would that be? I think you need to tell your friend to chillax with the religious intolerance if she wants to remain friends with you. She seems rather misinformed about America being a Christian nation (it’s debatable whether it was ever a Christian nation, and it's surely not in 2009), and her policy of only allowing Christians into office is pretty ignorant. Of course, this being America and all, she is permitted to believe this, but on the other hand, you are permitted to tell her she’s being ridiculous. You can also choose to not be friends with her. I think you have a good understanding of the situation, and your “Why aren’t you Jewish?” comeback encapsulates the absurdity of her line of thinking. I think your best strategy is to talk with your friend about why she feels the way she does and also share your perspective. You may not change the way she feels, but at least you can help her see where you stand. You can also make a rule about your relationship: if she wants to stay friends, she needs to leave religion out of it. P.S. I am psyched to hear that you want to run for office—that’s a great aspiration. Your openness and curiosity makes me think you’ll make a fantastic elected official.
So far, I've been enjoying a fairly boring, rather relaxing summer vacation. Today, though, my parents went to a Neighborhood Association meeting to discuss the upcoming annual block party. I didn't attend this meeting (because none of the adults really care about a fourteen-year-old's opinion regarding fun things to do, and probably expect that my ideas consist mainly of lawnmower juggling), but lucky me! My parental units lovingly signed me up to be in charge of face-painting. Now don't get me wrong, I love kids, babysit regularly, and am not horribly artistically challenged. In fact, I have face-painted at events previously, and the kids loved what they saw. My problem is simply that I don't know how to compile a brief (yet interesting) list of face-painting designs that are simple enough for me to do, yet not boring enough to make the kids want to cry. I beg of you, SparkNotes: Please help me!
Lawnmower juggling, you say? I’m definitely going to have you plan my next dinner party. Regarding face-painting, I think the key is to stick to the themes that kids like—cute animals, American presidents, and astronomy come to mind—but refine them to their purest elements. For example, if you paint some whiskers on a child’s face, she becomes a cat. If you layer on some brown paint in the chin region, she becomes Abraham Lincoln. And if you give her a wide mustache of stars stretching from ear to ear, she becomes the Andromeda galaxy. Another option is to randomly splash a bunch of paint on a child’s face, turning it into an homage to the great abstract expressionist Jackson Pollock. Just don’t be surprised if you find block party attendees staring intently at the child’s face and uttering pretentious art-critic terms such as “paradigm shift” and “dialectic.”
Ok, enough jokes. If you really need inspiration for some easy face-painting designs, hit up the ol' Internet. Go to images.google.com and search for "face painting." You might also try "simple face painting," "easy face painting," or "how to make a little kid's face look totally awesome in less than five minutes."
Hey, so my friend and I had been talking a lot about how people know who they are and kind of create their personalities when they're young (like us). My friend sort of lost interest and just goes on floating around, but I became especially intrigued with it and wanted to know how to do some "self improvement," shall we say. Then I was driving around with my friend Mat, who is quite a bit older, very smart, and someone more people consider wise, and he was telling me the importance of "being yourself." Well thanks Mat, that's just great, if you actually know who "yourself" is. Then I looked on the Internet, and a lot of forums talked about "finding yourself" through doing things you like and finding out what you like. Well, I guess I've got a problem then because I already know what I enjoy, but I don't really feel like I fully "know who I am," and I'm certainly not who I want to be yet. I sort of feel like I have yet to create my personality. It’s all very confusing. So, I guess my questions are, how do you create a personality for yourself and/or "find yourself" while still "being yourself"?
Excellent question. If you already know what you enjoy, that’s a solid start. I probably wouldn’t worry too much about finding yourself, though. For one thing, how will know when you’ve truly found yourself? Is there a buzzer that goes off? Your concept of “yourself” evolves as you get older, so you may never be able to pin down exactly who you are. It’s fine to evaluate your thoughts and actions to make sure you are comfortable with them, but I would be wary of making any attempts to define yourself as any one thing. You are a lot of things, and that’s just how we like you. Furthermore, you shouldn’t actively try to create your personality. Instead, allow your personality to grow and develop on its own as you live your life and do the stuff you like doing. I think when your friend Mat talks about “being yourself,” he means doing what feels natural and not trying too hard to please other people or be seen in a certain way. There probably won't be a point in your life when you can say with certainty, "Yes, NOW I know who I am." Instead, you'll learn more about yourself every day. Your chief responsibility is to get used to this mysterious process, which never really ends. It can be fun though, so hang on and enjoy the ride. If you want to dig deeper into the idea of self-ness, wait until you get to college and sign up for Philosophy 101.
Stuff your questions into a tiny electronic envelope and address it to chris@sparknotes.com.
Topics: Advice
Tags: religion, relationships, friendships, vacations
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