Put Down That Air Guitar

People love to share their skills and hobbies. It’s the reason there are high school talent shows and why we have approximately 22,000 TV programs with names like “American Idol,” “Dancing With the Stars,” and “So You Think You Can Master Traditional Lao-Thai Cuisine?”* But as much as other people generally enjoy watching someone demonstrate a talent, there are definitely situations in which these kinds of displays are inappropriate.

* = Not a real show yet, but I can dream.

At the top of this list are parties, which might be surprising, because parties are meant to be boisterous and fun and might sound like the perfect place to demonstrate that you can tap dance at a semiprofessional level. However, you’d be wrong. Here we’ll explain the finer points of which talents to avoid breaking out in the middle of a social situation:

Acoustic Guitar Playing

Playing the guitar is cool, and almost nothing is cooler than playing the guitar in a band (especially if it’s a good band). However, unless you’re being paid, there probably shouldn’t be a musical instrument in your hands when everyone else is standing around talking. Plenty of parties end with a guy sitting in the corner playing “All Along the Watchtower” while the remaining guests cluster around in a sleepy half-circle, but nobody should be in a hurry to get there.

Of course, it’s common for someone to pick up the guitar in order to woo potential dates, but as a general rule, if somebody’s willing to sit attentively through your rendition of “Crash Into Me” then they already have a huge crush on you, and you shouldn’t be trying so hard to impress them. Congratulations!

Freestyle Rapping

Even if you’re a way better rapper than Shaq—heck, even if you’re better than Tribe—your freestyle routine is still probably better saved for open mic night. If done well, the problem with breaking out your musical hobby at a party is that it tends to hijack the proceedings, so anyone who showed up hoping to do something besides watch you rap battle your cousin is going to train their eye lasers on you for the rest of the night.

Air Guitar

If you want to become an air guitar champion, that’s fine—but wouldn’t you be better off with a respected pastime like competitive eating or belching? Subjecting unsuspecting friends to this is just cruel. Please cease and desist.

Please describe your amazing freestyle skills or air guitar licks below.