The 12 Types of Coworkers
As if wasting away your months of freedom at a thankless summer job wasn't bad enough, oftentimes the experience is made worse thanks to horrible coworkers. To help you more easily identify your tormentors, we've rounded up the twelve types of coworkers is this easy-to-use field guide.
Type #1: The Peter Pan
He's in his thirties, at least, yet still works at a dead-end job with high school kids. When not trying really hard to be cool, he constantly butts into your business, asking what you're up to tonight, and trying to weasel his way into your life by saying stuff like, "Oh, are you and your friends going to the movies tonight? Cool. I was going to go too. Maybe I'll see you there? Or we can go together to save gas. I was alive when there were two Germanys. I don't like Flo Rida. I LOVE Flo Rida."
Type #2: The Criminal
Sometimes you'll be paired with an employee who wants nothing more than to steal from, vandalize, and disrupt the workplace. Even if you work in a seemingly crime-proof business such as landscaping, he will attempt to be the bad boy by ripping off bags of mulch and stealing shovels. He is often spotted near an unattended truck, saying things such as, "Dude. You dare me to steal that $0.84 in loose change from the ashtray?"
Type #3: The Walking Disease
This employee is always sick, so chances are great that you will never actually have to meet her. But you will have to fill in for her shifts, meaning you'll work 90-hour work weeks and learn the fine art of operating two cash registers at the same time. When she does finally come to work, try not to stare at the scar.
Type #4: The Myth
Like The Walking Disease, you will never meet The Myth. His schedule is the exact opposite of your own, and his existence is only proven by rumors you hear from other employees and the travel mug in the break room labeled "Chris." The scary part is that in two years, you will be at a party, talking about your 2009 summer job, when The Myth will suddenly cut into the conversation and say, "Wait a second. Where did you say you worked?" Your mind will then melt.
Type #5: The Bragger
Never ask this employee what he did last night, because the answer will take 20 minutes and include at least three instances of the employee saying, "Oh man. It was crazy. You had to be there, dude."
Type #6: The New Hire
This is the most easily spotted coworker; he's the guy be too scared to say anything besides "Um," and, "Ha-ha. Cool." He will also be overdressed, and when it's his time for a lunch break, and if no one tells him to go to lunch, he will sheepishly ask, "Um…do you think…um…I was going to…um…food…Never mind." Finally, after you ask him if he's eaten yet, he will shake his head before passing out from starvation. The good news is that The New Hire will look up to you as if you were a god. The bad news is that his inability to do any work is only cute for the first two hours before it gets so frustrating that you give him an awful, inappropriate nickname.
Type #7: Your New BFF
Sometimes fate smiles down on your summer job and pairs you with a fun, easygoing coworker who not only gets your sense of humor, but likes your style. The two of you get along swimmingly, and finally, one day, you decide to hang out after work. A deep friendship begins to blossom and you two become inseparable. You agree to go to the same college, and after college, promise to write a screenplay together about working at your crappy summer job. But then, the friendship abruptly ends when you find out about her and Jason.
Type #8: The Guy You'd Never Talk To at School
Your rules of social selectiveness fly right out the window when you're on the job, and suddenly people you would never hang out with end up occupying eight to ten hours of your day. This coworker isn't bad, and the two of you might get along just fine. But the real awkward moment will come in September, when you'll go back to school, see the guy in the hallway, and give him an awkward glance that secretly says, "Hey, we had fun over the summer. Remember that time we flushed the socks down the toilet? Good times. But now that school has started, that chapter of our lives has ended. You understand, right?" A year after you graduate, you will marry him, shocking the entire world.
Type #9: The Pro
Some folks take their summer job very seriously. You try to joke around and have fun at work, but The Pro won't have any of that nonsense. If you keep pressuring him to have a good time, he will report you. Years from now, he will be district manager and his sad, empty life will be complete. His pants will be shorter than they should be and he will die having never eaten lunch with another human being.
Type #10: The Worker Who Sued the Company
Don't ask any questions. Don't bring it up. Try your best to avoid this coworker at all costs. Just know that the rumors are true; Something happened during the holiday party of 2006. Let's just leave it at that.
Type #11: The Old Lady
If you're lucky enough to work with an older woman, enjoy it. She will not only try to shock you with outrageous, hilarious comments about customers, but she is an incredible cook. The word "delight" was invented just to describe these charming, bawdy gals.
Type #12: The Guy Who Is Going to Make it Big
This coworker is rather amusing. At first he will only hint at his scheme to make a splash in business or Hollywood. But the less interest you show, the more he will want to share his big idea. Keep ignoring him and he will eventually let you in on his plan. When this happens, activate the tiny tape recorder that you sewed into your shirt, because you'll want to relive this hilarious, sad, ridiculous, fantastic, and depressing moment again and again.
So what types of strange, scary people must you work with?