Harry Potter Could Whip the Cullens With One Hand Tied Behind His Back
Ever since Robert Pattinson flashed his sparkleface in the big-screen version of everyone’s favorite vampire saga, we at SparkNotes can’t help noticing a certain trend in the always-churning Hollywood gossip mill—a trend that goes something like this:
TWILIGHT OMG TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT OMG TWILIIIIIGHT
*sound of head exploding*
Twilight just doesn’t do it for me.
There, I said it.
For this SparkNotes writer, the trials and tribulations of Edward “100-Year-Old Man With Control Issues” Cullen, Bella “Everyone Loves My Empty Head” Swan, and their Vampire “Poorly-Executed Sexual Abstinence Metaphor” Relationship don’t hold a candle to contemporary literature’s other otherworldly, ultra-famous saga of fantastical fiction…the Harry Potter series. And with the film release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince only a week away, I’m staging a SparkNotes coup on behalf of Potter fans everywhere! There will be Harry Potter cast gossip, Harry Potter literary listicles, rousing games of Pin the Nose on the Voldemort, and MUCH MORE.
But before we get started, I know I’ll have to bring some of you Twilight loyalists into the fold. And so, to start off the SparkNotes Potterfest, please consider the following list of Reasons Why Harry Potter Is Superior (or at Least Equal in Merit) to Twilight:
Awesome female characters. The girls of Harry Potter are smart, athletic, resourceful, and interesting to read about/watch on the big screen. Bella Swan, by comparison, has all the mystery and intellect of a Dixie cup.
A lovely lexicon. Dumbledore! Muggles! Expecto Patronum! J.K. Rowling invented a dictionary’s-worth of words, names and places to flesh out the Potter series’ rich mythology. Wouldn’t you rather visit Number Twleve Grimmauld Place than… Forks?
English accents. Do you like English accents? Me too! And the Harry Potter cast all have English accents. Yaaaaay!
Sexual tension. Everybody loves the lusty anxieties of Edward and Bella’s relationship, where he OMG wants her so BAD, but he has to be careful because OMG he could KILL HER. Well, Hermoine and Ron have hormones too, you guys. Think about that.
All-around better books. Twilight’s vampire romance might set your heart (or your pants) on fire, but when it comes to literary merit, Harry Potter and the [Noun] and the [Other Noun] is the clear winner. Meatier plotlines, intricate mythology, well-drawn characters and complex relationships make the series a true heavyweight for discerning readers.
Robert Pattinson. Yeah, yeah, we know that he’s headlining the Twilight movies. But in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, you can see Robert Pattinson a) not covered in sparkle makeup, b) not creeping into people’s bedrooms to watch them sleep, and c) not playing a squirrel-murdering, mind-reading, 100 year-old man. HARRY POTTER R-PATZ FTW!
Okay, your turn! Are you intrigued by Harry Potter? Angered on behalf of the Cullen family? Not sure what all the fuss is about on either side? Share your thoughts on the Hogwarts clan (or your impassioned defense of Forks) in the comments, and check back for more HP-centric posts this week.