Auntie SparkNotes: "Anyone You Can Like I Can Like Better!"

This week's letter-writer has a serious frenemy:

Every single guy that I like or say likes me, my best friend suddenly seems to like them too right after they declare their likeness for ME!

For example: Right now she's dating...we'll call him andy for now. And they have been together for a while which is weird because she's always jumping from one boy to the next. which is annoying too! everytime she sees something better she ditches her old boyfriend for a new one. and it wasn't like this in middle school, but freshman and sophomore year, she suddenly has an undying desire to be in a relationship at all times! I'm always a 3rd wheel....

anyways, so she's with andy and drake just told me he liked me. Well now she says she's texting drake and they like each other WHILE she's still dating andy.

This is definitely not okay with me. I am not a happy girl right now and i would quite frankly like it if she would stop moving in on my potential property like a crazed real estate agent.

any advice? maybe a way to break it to her that she doesn't need to be in a relationship constantly?

Auntie SparkNotes knows just how to solve this problem! Ready? Here’s what to do:

1. Make a list of the ten most undesirable guys you can think of—like the one who picks his scabs and eats them, or the one who introduces himself by his WoW handle, or the one with horrendous B.O. who eats mayonnaise straight out of the jar and keeps a detailed datelog of his farts.

2. Every few weeks, “let slip” to your man-mongering friend that you really, reeeeally like [insert name of guy from Undesirables List], and he likes you too.

3. Watch and laugh as your friend spends her summer hand in hand with Mayonnaise Fartlogger, leaving you free to secretly cultivate a relationship with Drake.

This plan of action may or may not prove effective, but it might be worth a try! Because unfortunately, there’s no way to “break it” to your friend that she doesn’t need to be in a relationship constantly. The guy-to-guy musical chairs act that she’s pulling is her way of dealing with some seriously deep-seated insecurity; having a boyfriend, or trading up from one to the next, is what she does to feel worthy, desirable, etc. Which is really kind of sad, when you think about it. So let’s take a moment to quietly acknowledge that sadness.

[Pause.]

And now that we’ve acknowledged the sadness, let’s acknowledge the other powerful message at work here, which is: What the [bleeeeep]?

Auntie SparkNotes has to assume there’s a really compelling reason that you remain friends with this girl. Sort of like how I used to hang out with the smelly mean kid down the street because she had a Nintendo. (In hindsight, playing Mario Brothers was really not worth the damage inflicted to my nasal passages, but that is neither here nor there.) Cruising in on someone else’s admitted crush is quickest way in the world to lose friends and alienate people, and the fact that she’s doing it repeatedly is Certifiable Friendship-Ending Behavior.

So while you can’t alert her to the fact that she doesn’t need to be in a relationship, you can alert her to how drastically uncool it is that she’d start a flirty relationship with the guy you liked. Emphasize the fact that you trusted her, and that her moving in on Drake really hurt your feelings. (Also, it should go without saying that Drake, attractively-named as he may be, is something of a toolbox if he’s so ready to forget his feelings for you just because your friend made kissy-faces in his direction. A guy who really likes you doesn’t do that sort of thing.)

If your friend cares about you, she’ll realize that she crossed the line and apologize. But if she doesn’t, and if you still want to hang out with her, consider that maybe she isn’t the best person to discuss your relationship aspirations with. After all, if she doesn’t know about your love life, she can’t go putting her foot in it.

And meanwhile, you can take heart in the following: Her "Musical Boys" behavior is not going unnoticed. In fact, every shady thing she does is the social equivalent of a giant neon sign over her head that says Worst! Girlfriend! Ever! So no matter what you say to her, if she doesn’t wise up, it won’t be long before no one will date her.

Got any advice for our question-asker? Got a question for Auntie SparkNotes? Leave it in the comments, or email her at advice@sparknotes.com.