Dear Canada, Let Us Show You How to Party

Oh, Canada.

It's your day! Your time to shine! Your time to celebrate! But do you even know how to party, Canada?

Here's a list of things we wish you'd do on Canada Day:

-Add an extra "an" to your name. "Cananada" is way more fun to say.

-Star in a musical in which the good, innocent country turns naughty and dons pleather pants and stilettos after a summer fling with a bad country that smokes cigarettes, hangs out in dark parking lots, and drives real fast.

-Visit more.

-Invade Greenland. (Wait, is Greenland part of Canada?)

-Everyone loves guacamole!

-Adopt Bryan Adams’ "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You" as your national anthem.

-Eat your vegetables. (This you should just do more, anyway.)

-Donate Alanis Morissette's hair to Locks of Love, already.

-Think of something awesome without our help.

-No, not that.

-No, not that either (you're so dirty!). Better leave it to us, after all.

-Seek political asylum. Just for kicks.

-OMG LET'S TRADE OUTFITS!

-Require every sixth citizen to smother his/her hands in peanut butter.

-Get the whole country to join hands.

-Sing Lady Gaga in French. (And please tell us how you'd translate "disco stick.")

-Confuse everyone by declaring Spanish your official language.

-Stop being so elusive. After all this time, this is pretty much all we know about you.

-Have the whole thing catered. You'll be so happy you did.

-Try not to take so long in the shower. We have to get up and go to work/school/back to bed too, you know.

-Ask if you can borrow our Wii (and promise to return it by the 4th).

-Use your access to polar bears and snow foxes to play better practical jokes on the EU.

-Turn that mother out.