Going to the beach is fun—in theory. In the days leading up to your trip, you’ll fondly anticipate swimming, tanning, and clandestinely checking out other beachgoers, plus subsequently judging those beachgoers who've decided to show a little more skin this year. (Here’s a tip: if you’re uncomfortable modeling your bathing suit for your mom, it’s probably too risqué for actual beachwear.)
But in practice, shimmying up to the shoreline is chockablock with hazards. For example:
I am at the beach right now, and I’m having a heck of a time balancing this laptop on my bare stomach while keeping the salty spray off my keyboard. I also happen to be in the perfect position to help you combat a few more commonplace beach conundrums. Let us commence solving:
Problem: You got sunblock in your eye, and it burns.
Solution: Fasten a piece of cardboard over the eye in question. You are now a pirate. As the burning sensation grows and develops, say “Arrrrrrrrrrrrr, my peeper has been poisoned by this blasted SPF 35.”
Problem: The brochure promised that there would be dolphins, yet you have not seen any dolphins.
Solution: Try to forget about dolphins for a minute and enjoy the other unusual wildlife near the sea. You may be able to spot gorgeous shore birds such as snowy egrets and pelicans, weird shadows that may or may not be fish, huge flies with a taste for ankle blood, and crabs.
Problem: While you were looking at the weird shadows, a sneaky crab stole the sandwich you took all morning to prepare.
Solution: What the heck kind of sandwich takes all morning to prepare? “All morning” is an exaggeration, right? Are you applying for a job at a fancy sandwich restaurant or making lunch for the beach? You know it’s going to sit in a cooler for three hours and get soggy before you eat it, don’t you? Next time, slap together something less elaborate. Then, if an enterprising crab makes off with it, you can just go buy a hot dog or something.
Problem: You can’t swim.
Solution: Run at full speed toward the water. Once you get to the shallows, whip out your cell and say, “Sorry, I have to take this. It’s my realtor.”
Problem: You can’t get online.
Solution: Contrary to the way it's advertised, the ocean is not “one big Wi-Fi hotspot.” Resign yourself to texting for the day. Set aside two hours later so you can carefully delete the 57 spam emails you received while you were away from the computer.
Problem: A wave ate your bathing suit.
Solution: Emerge naked and proud from the sea, proclaiming “I am Poseidon, and I am the eternal ruler of this great body of water.” OK, maybe not. You should have your friend (hopefully he has a beard) pretend to be Poseidon, and while people are staring at him, you can sneak back to your towel.
Problem: You bragged to all your friends that you are an expert skimboarder, and now they want you to prove it.
Solution: Chances are, no one in your group knows what skimboarding is, let alone what qualifies as expertise. Hopefully you did a little research on YouTube. Take a running start, throw down the board, hop on, and pray you don’t break an ankle. If you do, you can pretend to be a pirate again, this time with a peg leg.
What frustrates you about going to the beach?
By: Chris_Diken
Topics: Advice
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