No Lifeguards, No Friends, No Thongs (and Other Lessons on Summer Love)

Hey, Sparklers! Are your classes finito? Is your locker emptied? Has your summer vacation officially begun? Well, good—because you have one last assignment to do, and there’s NOT MUCH TIME.

We are referring, of course, to scoring yourself a Summer Romance.

Yep, with only three short months until the next academic year begins, snagging yourself a regulation hottie for warm-weather amore ought to be the first thing on your to-do list—after all, the faster you find your Summer Love, the more time you two will get to spend snuggling by a campfire, walking hand-in-hand on the beach, or missing the penultimate fight scene in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince because you're too busy making out.

Good thing we’re here to help! Oh, sure: your SparkNotes editors know that you’ve got the panache, poise, and smoooooth moves to seal your summer romance deal… but what’s to stop you from setting your sights on the wrong guy (or girl) from the get-go? That's right! It could happen! And that's why you need us. So before you go trolling for this year’s summer fling, make sure you don’t find yourself lusting after one of the good-for-nobody cads known as…

The Unflingables!

Unflingable #1: The On-Duty Lifeguard
Why you should stay away: Sure, s/he looks spectacular in that uniform bathing suit, but the on-duty lifeguard’s first responsibility is to the public... and your distracting flirtatious overtures are compromising pool safety. Have you no shame?! (The girl/guy working the concession stand is up for grabs, though.)

Unflingable #2: The Worker Bee
Why you should stay away: Lazy days in the sun, spontaneous trips to the shore or the lake, and carousing until the wee hours of the morning are essential to a good summer fling—but if your intended is nine-to-fiving it all season long, her early bedtime and inflexible work schedule will dampen your romance faster than you can say “Xerox.”

Unflingable #3: The Pal
Why you should stay away: Summer flings don’t last—and you should remember this before you start putting the moves on one of your BFFs, lest you find yourself sitting in the caf come September and suffering through the awkward weirdness of your relationship’s dissipation. The ideal summer romance is one that leaves no lasting marks on you OR your circle of friends. (That’s what mid-year breakups are for!)

Unflingable #4: The Thong-Wearer
Why you should stay away: At the pool or on the beach, whether it’s a guy or a girl, people who expose their butt cheeks in public have issues that’ll take way more than one summer to work through. So though the Thong-Wearer might be cute, please let him pass you by. (You can still enjoy watching him walk away.)

Do you know an Unflingable? Can guys really get away with wearing thongs? Share your divine strategies for summer lovin' in the comments!