I Was Kidnapped By Clowns! (and Other Good Reasons for Your Unauthorized Absences)

The media has been all abuzz over the mysterious disappearance of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who vanished into the ether for a full week without telling anyone where he was going. (Er, Governor? Not that we’re experts or anything, but we’re pretty sure you can’t do stuff like that when you’re the chief executive of an entire state. Especially when the rest of us spent years getting chewed out just 'cause we disappeared during one lousy study hall period in order to make out with our boyfriend under the bleachers. Just sayin!)

Sanford’s reappearance and embarrassed admission that he ditched his gubernatorial responsibilities and family in order to go hang out in Argentina—with his girlfriend!—are pretty scandalous. But they're also clear proof that he never mastered the all-important Butt-Covering Skills that most of us learned somewhere around sophomore year.

(Like, say, if we told our parents we’d be staying at Sam’s house, and Sam told his parents he’d be staying at our house, and then we snuck out to a field and tipped over a bunch of cows. Not that that ever happened.)

For Governor Sanford—and all the rest of you whose excuse-making isn’t quite up to snuff—your SparkNotes editors have put together this list of handy explanations you can use the next time you don't show up to school, work, or your great-aunt Millie's 96th birthday party.

• I got lost.
• I was saving kittens from a burning building.
• I was saved from a burning building by kittens.
• My car broke down. And then it exploded.
• I was…bowling. With vampires! And…I cut my knee while I was bowling. And then the vampires wouldn’t let me leave. And there were also ninjas.
• I was kidnapped.
• I was kidnapped by clowns.
• I was in the Witness Protection Program.
• I was called in as an emergency jumper for a parachute drop in Siberia.
• I had amnesia and…uh, who are you? Who am I???
• My kidney was stolen and I had to go find it.
• I was eaten by a giant pig and had to kick my way out of its stomach. And then I had to take a shower.
• I was temporarily dead.
• I was there the whole time, but I was INVISIBLE.

Yep, those are our excuses. What’s yours? Tell us in the comments!