We are a few days away from the glorious Fourth of July, and if you're not jumping with excitement and screaming with glee, then perhaps you fail to realize how fun and amazing Independence Day is. It's better than Christmas, and here's why:
- Better dining atmosphere. Everything tastes better when you eat it in the pool. Why do you think dolphins are always smiling? On the Fourth of July, you can eat while partially submerged in water, and no one will judge you. But try to gobble some Christmas goose while sitting in the tub and your family will send you to a special doctor.
- Less planning. You can throw together a Fourth of July party in eighteen minutes: just grab some nearby meat, some fire, and a chair that folds. A Christmas party, on the other hand, requires months of planning, multiple trips to the store, wrapping, decorating, and gravy.
- No awkward "thank you"s. At a typical family Christmas gift-exchange, you will spend at least four minutes per present trying to get someone's attention so that you can awkwardly thank her for the lovely shirt. At a Fourth of July party, the only people you have to thank are our forefathers and whoever invented Jell-o salad.
- Better booms. On the Fourth of July, the end of the day is punctuated by noisy, colorful fireworks. On Christmas, the end of the day is punctuated by noisy, emotional fireworks.
- More time to recoup. After the Fourth of July, you have eight to ten weeks to rest up before you have anything important to do. Besides, the day after Christmas is depressing.
- More useful flames. A fire on Christmas Day does nothing except make you wish you hadn't worn a sweater. A fire on the Fourth of July not only makes meat edible, but it also turns ordinary marshmallows into tiny parties for your mouth.
- Better music. Christmas carols are like nursery rhymes, but worse. And at a Christmas party, no one ever says, "Hey, is that Mariah Carey's 'All I Want for Christmas Is You'? Crank that!"
- Better conversations. Most talk at Christmas revolves around your plans for New Years Eve and how good the sales will be tomorrow. But conversations on the Fourth of July can cover topics as diverse as, "Do you think I can throw _____ over the house?", "Has anyone seen my shirt?" and, "Raise your hand if you want cheese."
- Funnier photos. If someone gives you the choice between viewing their Christmas photos or their Fourth of July photos, always go for the latter. The warm weather and lack of clothing make for more interesting and funny shots featuring tons of activity. Pictures taken at Christmas typically feature a bunch of family members standing in dull poses, or boring shots of little kids smiling over their shoulders after opening up a present that means nothing to you.
- Parking spots are plentiful at the mall.
- Your friends can come over. Ask if your buddies can stop by on Christmas and your mom will give you a lecture on the topics of "Your Pappy and Nonni didn't come all the way from Michigan to hang out with Tom," and "Doesn't Tom have his own family?" But on the Fourth of July, anyone within a 15 mile radius is welcome to stop by any time between noon and "Question Mark."
- The Fourth of July is soon. Christmas won't be here for, like, a year.