Confessions of Sparkler: My Boyfriend is My Pillow

Super Sparkler AllisonJY is back! After a failed first date, she's admits she's decided to date...her pillow. Enjoy! —SparkNotes Editors.

I’m generally a nice girl. I don’t let boys get fresh with me, I don’t participate in illegal activities, and my idea of a fun Saturday evening comprises of the couch, a pile of Archie Comics, and sushi on tap. You get the idea: I’m totally boring.

Or so everyone thinks.

All these years, I’ve born a deep, dark, dangerous secret, one that could destroy my life. You see, I’ve been having a secret affair.

With my pillow.

I blame my mother.

It all started on the day before I began high school. I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to wake up in time for school that I went to bed at nine. The problem was, instead of falling asleep, I spent two hours tossing and turning. Finally, I got the bright idea to rest my head on my cylindrical, hard-as-rocks bolster pillow and cuddle with my comfy regular pillow. The result? I fell in love with my regular pillow, which subsequently suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder, due to the fact that I treated it as a substitute for all of the five million idols I've had over the years.

Oh, I know that up till here, it seems like my own problem. Why blame Mummy? But here’s when Mum comes into the picture: One day, she noticed the way I arranged my pillow and bolster while preparing for bed, and commented that it was bad for my neck. The next day, she came home with another pillow, so I could still hug the first and get proper support for my neck at the same time. Now if this isn’t abetting my affair, I ask you, what is?

Blaming aside, I really do think my pillow makes a better boyfriend than the guys I meet. I mean, it’s cuddly. It smells nice (I actually attack it with deodorant every other day). It doesn’t rebut me when I yell at it. (Not that I do. Well, not very often, anyway.) It doesn’t get hurt if I fall for another guy. The list is endless. In fact, my pillow has all the qualities I need in an ideal boyfriend, so why would I need someone else?

Oh right. It isn’t alive.

But given that I’m like Medusa, only everything that touches my hand doesn’t turn to stone, but becomes destroyed, maybe it’s better to stick to an inanimate boyfriend for the time being? Sigh.

Does anyone else have a special spot in their heart for something inanimate?